2012 has mercifully reached its end. This was a weird year for me and mine, and from the looks of things, the world outside my small bubble of family and friends didn't fare much better. So, let's all raise a glass and a middle finger and bid 2012 a fond farewell.
You know what made 2012 nearly unbearable for me? The idiots. There have always been idiots among us, but in 2012 the idiot elite really went for it. Here is a short list of GEP's choices for the stupidest idiots of the year. Let's hope they keep their big, idiot mouths shut in the coming year.
1. Ke$ha denounces "Die Young," making me look like a total asshole: After the terrible tragedy in Newtown, CT, singer/filthy person, Ke$ha, denounced her hit single "Die Young," the very "Die Young" I, Matt Lawson, Editor-and-Chief of Giant Electric Penguin, picked as my Favorite Song of 2012. After learning that some radio stations were pulling "Die Young" because radio station managers are even bigger idiots than she is, Ke$ha claimed she was never fond of the song in the first place and was actually forced to sing the lyrics. Look, "Die Young" is not a song about crib death and child murder. It's a song about living life to its fullest. DO I REALLY HAVE TO EXPLAIN THIS TO PEOPLE? The same people moaning and complaining about "Die Young" are the same people who couldn't figure out a single Robert Frost poem in high school English.
2. Emma-Louis Hodges, the woman who changed her name to include the names of 14 different Bond Girls: Her new name: Pussy Galore Honey Rider Solitaire Plenty O'Toole May Day Xenia Onatopp Holly Goodhead Tiffany Case Kissy Suzuki Mary Goodnight Jinx Johnson Octopussy Domino Moneypenny.
3. Holly Solomon, the woman who ran her husband over with a Jeep: Quite simply, Solomon hated President Obama and believed his reelection would bring nothing but continued pain and suffering upon herself and her family; Solomon was unhappy with the ultimate results of the election; Solomon discovered that her husband had failed to vote; blaming her husband solely for Obama's victory, Solomon ran him over with her Jeep. He's likely to be disfigured for life, according to the most recent reports. Great job, idiot!
4. Donald Trump: You remember all the dumb shit he did, right? Of course you do.
5. Ocoto-Mom for believing anyone wanted to watch her in a porno.
6. Kevin Clash: Yes, the man who created Elmo, a character my 18-month-old daughter is utterly in love with, also engaged in inappropriate activities with teenage boys. It's hard for me to wrap my head around this level of idiocy, but there you go. Surely Clash was smart enough to know that no one at his level of fame and notoriety EVER gets away with this kind of stuff, nor should they. Way to ruin your life and sully the reputation of one of the most popular Muppets of all time, idiot!
7. People who turned on Elmo: Elmo didn't do anything wrong, so save your unfunny jokes, Twitter hacks.
8. Any and all male Republicans who said anything about rape and/or abortion.
9. Bryan Fischer says God didn't protect the kids at Sandy Hook Elementary because He is a "gentleman" who knows where He's not wanted: Yep, because there is no mandatory prayer in school, God allowed a classroom full of children to be shot to death. That's what an all-powerful being who can create entire universes in a week does in that type of situation. Yes, sir. What a true gentleman.
10. Lisa Rinna for Depends:
11. Anyone who paid money to see Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter.
12. Anyone who demanded their money back upon realizing that there were no vampires in Spielberg's Lincoln.
13. Eric Hartsburg, the genius that got a Romney tattoo on his face: Win or lose, was this ever a good idea? The answer is no, idiot.
14. The ABC Network for canceling Last Resort: Dick move, you dicks.
15. The Pakistani parents who threw acid in their daughter's face after she looked at a boy: Oh, by the way, before the acid, the 15-year-old girl was viciously beaten by her father, then mom tossed the acid, then the girl spent one full day in agonizing pain before dying. Idiot doesn't even come close to describing these two monsters. And why/how the hell did these people just have acid lying around? What is going on over there in Pakistan?
16. William Bailey, a 43-year-old man, who received one month in prison for making fun of a 10-year-old girl with cerebral palsy.
17. The parents of little Hashtag Jameson: This one might end up being a hoax, but for now these two fall squarely in the idiot category.
I'm sure I missed a lot of stupid idiots, I'm only one man after all. I encourage you to make your own list of the stupidest idiots of 2012 and share them in our comments section or on our Facebook page OR don't share them anywhere at all, but, rather, write the names of your favorite idiots on a scrap of paper, make a wish, and light the list on fire. You can thank me when your wish comes true.
See you in 2013!!!