Send us an e-mail please:

Monday, December 31, 2012

2012 In Review: The Stupidest Idiots of 2012

2012 has mercifully reached its end.  This was a weird year for me and mine, and from the looks of things, the world outside my small bubble of family and friends didn't fare much better.  So, let's all raise a glass and a middle finger and bid 2012 a fond farewell.

You know what made 2012 nearly unbearable for me?  The idiots.  There have always been idiots among us, but in 2012 the idiot elite really went for it.  Here is a short list of GEP's choices for the stupidest idiots of the year.  Let's hope they keep their big, idiot mouths shut in the coming year.

1. Ke$ha denounces "Die Young," making me look like a total asshole:  After the terrible tragedy in Newtown, CT, singer/filthy person, Ke$ha, denounced her hit single "Die Young," the very "Die Young" I, Matt Lawson, Editor-and-Chief of Giant Electric Penguin, picked as my Favorite Song of 2012.  After learning that some radio stations were pulling "Die Young" because radio station managers are even bigger idiots than she is, Ke$ha claimed she was never fond of the song in the first place and was actually forced to sing the lyrics.  Look, "Die Young" is not a song about crib death and child murder.  It's a song about living life to its fullest.  DO I REALLY HAVE TO EXPLAIN THIS TO PEOPLE?  The same people moaning and complaining about "Die Young" are the same people who couldn't figure out a single Robert Frost poem in high school English.

2. Emma-Louis Hodges, the woman who changed her name to include the names of 14 different Bond Girls:  Her new name: Pussy Galore Honey Rider Solitaire Plenty O'Toole May Day Xenia Onatopp Holly Goodhead Tiffany Case Kissy Suzuki Mary Goodnight Jinx Johnson Octopussy Domino Moneypenny.  

3. Holly Solomon, the woman who ran her husband over with a Jeep:  Quite simply, Solomon hated President Obama and believed his reelection would bring nothing but continued pain and suffering upon herself and her family; Solomon was unhappy with the ultimate results of the election; Solomon discovered that her husband had failed to vote; blaming her husband solely for Obama's victory, Solomon ran him over with her Jeep.  He's likely to be disfigured for life, according to the most recent reports.  Great job, idiot!

4. Donald Trump:  You remember all the dumb shit he did, right?  Of course you do.

5. Ocoto-Mom for believing anyone wanted to watch her in a porno.

6. Kevin Clash:  Yes, the man who created Elmo, a character my 18-month-old daughter is utterly in love with, also engaged in inappropriate activities with teenage boys.  It's hard for me to wrap my head around this level of idiocy, but there you go.  Surely Clash was smart enough to know that no one at his level of fame and notoriety EVER gets away with this kind of stuff, nor should they.  Way to ruin your life and sully the reputation of one of the most popular Muppets of all time, idiot!

7. People who turned on Elmo:  Elmo didn't do anything wrong, so save your unfunny jokes, Twitter hacks.

8. Any and all male Republicans who said anything about rape and/or abortion.

9. Bryan Fischer says God didn't protect the kids at Sandy Hook Elementary because He is a "gentleman" who knows where He's not wanted:  Yep, because there is no mandatory prayer in school,  God allowed a classroom full of children to be shot to death.  That's what an all-powerful being who can create entire universes in a week does in that type of situation.  Yes, sir.  What a true gentleman.

10. Lisa Rinna for Depends:

11. Anyone who paid money to see Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter.

12. Anyone who demanded their money back upon realizing that there were no vampires in Spielberg's Lincoln.

13. Eric Hartsburg, the genius that got a Romney tattoo on his face: Win or lose, was this ever a good idea?  The answer is no, idiot.

14. The ABC Network for canceling Last Resort: Dick move, you dicks.

15. The Pakistani parents who threw acid in their daughter's face after she looked at a boy: Oh, by the way, before the acid, the 15-year-old girl was viciously beaten by her father, then mom tossed the acid, then the girl spent one full day in agonizing pain before dying.  Idiot doesn't even come close to describing these two monsters.  And why/how the hell did these people just have acid lying around?  What is going on over there in Pakistan?

16. William Bailey, a 43-year-old man, who received one month in prison for making fun of a 10-year-old girl with cerebral palsy.

17. The parents of little Hashtag Jameson:  This one might end up being a hoax, but for now these two fall squarely in the idiot category.

I'm sure I missed a lot of stupid idiots, I'm only one man after all.  I encourage you to make your own list of the stupidest idiots of 2012 and share them in our comments section or on our Facebook page OR don't share them anywhere at all, but, rather, write the names of your favorite idiots on a scrap of paper, make a wish, and light the list on fire.  You can thank me when your wish comes true.

See you in 2013!!!

Read the rest of this article.

Saturday, December 29, 2012

2012 In Review: Podcasts

Podcasts: I love 'em.  They get me through each day.  See, I work at a job that I pretty much hate with every fiber of my being, so podcasts are essential to my mental health and stability.  A day without podcasts is, frankly, a day I don't want to imagine.  

But podcasts aren't just a workplace distraction.  When I'm not eating, bathing, spending time with my family or sleeping, I'm listening to podcasts.  To be honest, I fall asleep each night listening to podcasts, so, I guess, technically, I do listen to podcasts in my sleep.

Every year around this time I rank my favorite pods and, well, I don't feel like doing that again.  You all know what my favorite podcasts are, but just in case you don't, here's a list, in no particular order:

Comedy Bang Bang; The Best Show on WFMU; WTF with Marc Maron; Who Charted?; Yeah, It's That Bad; Bloody Good Horror; How Did This Get Made?; Gelmania; Tell 'Em Steve-Dave.

I still love and listen to all of these wonderful podcasts, but here are my three, very favorite new discoveries of 2012: 

I like comedy podcasts and movie podcasts.  That's my wheelhouse.  And if there's a podcast that incorporates my love of funny people being funny and funny people talking funnily about bad movies, well, that's the sweet spot.  This year I found We Hate Movies (Although I kind of feel like we found each other, sort of, ya know?  No?) and my life was forever changed.  That may sound overly dramatic and it is, so I apologize.  WHM is co-hosted by a rotating gallery of funny young men (Eric Szyszka, Stephen Sajdak, and Chris Cabin), kept in line by host Andrew Jupin.  The WHM gang, quite simply, watches a bad movie and discusses the plot in painstaking detail, cracking wise and losing themselves in hilarious tangents along the way.  And, hey, do you like James Belushi and Wilford Brimley impressions, because Andrew Jupin does 'em both and it is always (ALWAYS!) hilarious.  It didn't take me long to listen to the WHM archives, and after listening to every episode I happily declared to myself and my sleeping wife (I usually listen to podcasts in bed while my wife sleeps and dreams of a husband who doesn't have earbuds crammed in his earholes all day and all night.), "I will never find another bad movie podcast this perfect and funny ever..."

...and then came The Flop House.  Hosted by Dan McCoy, Elliot Kalan (both writers for The Daily Show with Jon Stewart) and Stuart Wellington, The Flop House focuses on recent flops, those movies that failed with critics and/or audiences.  There is also a rich, silly Flop House universe that, while not alienating to newbies, enriches one's listening enjoyment once you catch on.  Even if you don't catch on though, The Flop House remains one of the funniest podcasts on the internets.  I would listen to these three talk about anything really.  Some of the most amusing business occurs during the Flop House Letters segment of the show and during the myriad tangents the hosts (usually Kalan) get lost in, be they movie-related or not.  

And last, but certainly not least, Lou Reads the Internet for You, a podcast both beautiful and nauseating in its simplicity and purpose, that purpose being to find stories/confessions/shocking admissions/descriptions of horrible sex crimes made by creeps/weirdos/perverts/hatemongers/drug addicts/misanthropes/the generally maladjusted on the internet and present them, as is and without commentary -- unless you count host Lou Fernandez's occasional snickering or pronouncement that something he is reading is "gross"-- to an audience willing to have their day simultaneously ruined and enriched.  Lou Reads the Internet is the only podcast that has ever made me feel physically sick, and I consider this a great compliment.

Heavy Hitters in 2013: I have high hopes for the following podcasts.  They are pods that I discovered or that appeared close to the end of 2012 that I've enjoyed very much so far.

Nerd Poker: Brian Posehn and his friends play Dungeons & Dragons.  It's endlessly entertaining in the nerdiest way possible.

The Fogelnest Files: Jake Fogelnest presents weird clips of things and invites his fellow comedians to enjoy/laugh at them.  Receives extra points for making me aware of this guy:

Dining with Doug and Karen: Doug Benson and his friend Karen Anderson enjoy a meal prepared by a professional chef and are joined by one of Benson's comedy friends for "chatting and chewing."  Always (ALWAYS!) makes me super hungry.

Blame It On Outer Space: We Hate Movies' sister podcast about conspiracy theories and the lunatics who believe in them.

Until next year, Haaaamburger!

Read the rest of this article.

Tuesday, December 25, 2012

2012 In Review: TV

Hey, guys.  Merry Christmas.  Look, I'm sorry I didn't finish the 25 Days of Horrible Holiday Decorations.  I was sick, like, sicker than I've been in a long, long time.  This illness not only caused me to miss two days of work, but it kept me confined to my bed and rendered me unable to care about anything, most of all this blog.  Then, when I started feeling better, I was in New Jersey, away from my computer.  Then when I returned from Jersey, it was Christmas Eve and I was tired.  And now, as my wife and daughter nap following a morning of rabid present-opening, I am back and ready to tell you guys about the TV shows I watched and loved this year.  So, here they are: my favorite television programs of 2012.

Girls:  There was a weird backlash against this show, in particular its creator/star, Lena Dunham, that I don't fully understand.  I think it has something to do with the fact that Dunham, along with the bulk of her supporting cast, grew up rich and privileged or something.  If Dunham wasn't so talented and funny, this would be a legitimate complaint, but the fact is, as far as I see it anyway, Dunham is one of the funniest, most talented voices in modern comedy.  Girls is one of the best written shows on TV.  I love how Dunham writes and I find the characters she's created endlessly fascinating, dark and funny, especially Adam. I'm not sure why some people have such a problem with Dunham, but she got a second season and you're still complaining about her on the internet, so, I mean, you know...

Favorite episodes/moments: "The Return"; "Welcome to Bushwick a.k.a. The Crackcident," in which Shoshanna (played by David Mamet's daughter) accidentally smokes crack believing it to be weed; "She Did"

The League: Beginning with the birth of little Chalupa Batman and ending with a Taco Corp New Years party in which everyone shit their pants simultaneously, The League provided another solid season of dirty, dirty laughs.

Favorite episodes/moments: "The Freeze Out"; can I just every moment was my favorite?

The Walking Dead: I judge different genres of TV shows on different scales.  For comedy programs I'll often ask myself "How many laughs per minute are there?" or "How many of the actors on this show have appeared on the Earwolf network."  For TV shows of the drama/fantasy/sci-fi/horror genre I'll ask, "How hard will this make me cry and/or want to violently puke my guts out?"  The Walking Dead is expert at both of these things.  I don't think I've cried harder during any episode of TV this year than I did during "Killer Within."  But Walking Dead wasn't all blubbering and throwing up in 2012.  It was also fairly damn exciting.  I actually enjoyed the slowness of Season 2, however, I felt myself growing antsy during the first few episodes of this season.  Once The Governor showed up though, Season 3 really took off for me.  Plus, as is my tradition, I DVRd the first half of the season and watched it in the span of one day (my second sick day, to be exact), so thanks everybody who posted spoilers on their Facebook pages all year long.  I really appreciated it.  Jerks.

Favorite episodes/moments: "Killer Within" tore me up, man.  I'm still smarting from that one.

Comedy Bang Bang: Scott Aukerman's Comedy Bang Bang podcast is one of my favorite things period (animal, mineral, phantasm).  It is the closest thing to speak to my precise sense of humor that I've ever come across and because of this I've found that I need its essential nutrients to survive, not unlike other people need insulin or air.  So you can probably imagine my excitement when Mr. Aukerman turned his podcast into a real, honest-to-goodness TV show.  If you can't imagine my excitement, I'd describe as akin to an infinite number of excitable nerdboys discovering an infinite number of Nintendo 64s beneath their Christmas trees.  Or maybe I'm exaggerating.  Anywho, the Comedy Bang Bang TV show was, is even, one of the funniest programs to ever grace the deep cable dial and I for one hope it returns next year.  If it doesn't though, I'll still have the podcast to keep my warm and sustain my life.

Favorite episodes/moments: "Episode 2: Amy Poehler Wears A Black Jacket & Grey Pants"; Tommy Shalders, professional bird-caller; "Walking To Work": 

How I Met Your Mother: For all of it's irritating wheel-spinning and "what's-up-with-Barney-and-Robin" bullshit, How I Met Your Mother has been on a roll recently.  I'm pretty indifferent to the recent announcement that the show has been picked up for another season (I'm glad, sorta, but it just means more of Ted not meeting his future kids' mother and, thus, more of his future kids having to sit there in the den listening to endless stories about their "Aunt" Robin being barren.  Seriously, how long have those kids been sitting there listening to Bob Saget' ramble?  Are we supposed to believe that this is a single evening?  Poor future kids.), but I'm still in for whatever the show's creators want to throw at me as long as it continues to be as funny and weird as it has been thus far.

Favorite episodes/moments: Robin's constant state of annoyance whenever Patrice is around; "The Final Page: Parts 1 & 2"; Chris Elliot as Lily's dad; any and all references to Marshall performing stand-up.

Parks and Recreation: Simply put, NBC's Parks and Recreation is my very favorite show on television currently.  It might very well be my favorite TV show of all-time, however I will not know this until the end of my life.  When I grow old and find myself on my deathbed, first, I pray that it is not the demon-possessed bed from the appropriately named Death Bed: The Bed That Eats, because that would be an extremely uncomfortable way to go for as old as I am in this scenario (roughly 97-years-old).  I can't imagine being eaten by a Satanic bed would be comfortable at any age, but as 97-year-old, it's got to be a whole lot worse.  Secondly, as I lay dying, I shall reflect on the kabillions of hours of television I've watched over my long lifespan and decide which entertained me most.  I'm predicting now that it will be Parks and Recreation.  Stay tuned to this blog for details, or just check back in 64 years.

Favorite episodes/moments: "Sex Education"; Ben's proposal to Leslie; "Ben's Parents"; this, oh God, this!

Read the rest of this article.

Deck the Halls!!!

Merry Christmas

from your friends @

Giant Electric Penguin

Read the rest of this article.

Sunday, December 16, 2012

25 Days of Horrible Holiday Decorations: Day 16 - These Things

While researching this year's 25 Days of Horrible Holiday Decorations, I found myself again and again coming across what you see above.  Maybe I just have a sensitive stomach, but this nauseates me.  From what I can tell, the lower half of an angel has been hollowed out and three small figures - Mary, Joseph and Baby Jesus - have been crammed inside where the guts used to be.  I'm pretty sure they showed something like this in one of the Saw movies, right?  Gross.

What could also be happening is that an angel is allowing the Nativity to occur underneath her angel robes, between her legs, right below her angel genitalia.  Nobody look up!  Wait, Baby Jesus is a baby and he's laying down.  He can't help but look up.  Oh no!  Angel, how could you be so uncouth?

Or this is just an intricately-carved Christmas tchotchke beloved by grandmothers everywhere and I'm being an asshole.  Either way, here are two more!

Read the rest of this article.

Saturday, December 15, 2012

2012 In Review: Music

If a rich benefactor were paying me thousands of dollars a month to maintain Giant Electric Penguin, I would happily quit my job and focus my entirely on watching movies. listening to music, reading books, flying to New York City to watch Broadway plays, and eating weird fast food items, and reviewing them all for you.  Unfortunately, there is currently no Oliver "Daddy" Warbucks in my life, therefore, I am forced to work a day job that doesn't involve any of the things described above.  Add onto that my responsibilities as a husband, father, and church deacon, and there is not enough time/space in my life to get to every little thing.  I don't even post my top ten movie list until Oscar night to give myself a chance to see as many movies from the previous year as possible (I literally saw 10 movies in the theater this year, of which only three are being considered for top ten status.  I'll catch up as much as I can.  Stay tuned.).

Needless to say, I didn't listen to a lot of this year's new releases, nor did I get out to many live shows, but I still stand by my music choices here.  One should keep in mind while reading that these are my own personal choices for best music thingies of the year and I'm super cool, so, my choices are super cool.  Got it?  Good.

Favorite Song: "Die Young" (Ke$ha)

Look, I enjoy the music of Ke$ha, all right?  I've been keeping that little tid-bit to myself for awhile, but now I'm ready to be open and honest about it.  I like pop music.  I especially like pop music about youthful exuberance; songs that are a call to arms, of sorts; and tunes that express a desire to live it up because we're all gonna die someday anyway, and what then?  Exactly.  It's that teenage excitement, that notion of youthful invincibility cranked up to an absurd level that really gets my brain all warm.  It's ironic that I hate teenagers as much as I do.

"Die Young" makes me want to punch a cop in the face; it makes me want to run through a fancy car dealership with a metal baseball bat, smashing windshields and side mirrors willy-nilly; it makes me want to engage in a condom-less sex orgy/dance marathon/Satanic Burning Man in a weird cowboy ghost town.  In short, it makes me want to live like I'm going to die young.

Actually, it just makes me want to turn up the volume on my radio and pound on my steering wheel, but that's more than I can say about a lot of other things in my life.

Favorite Song To Listen To With My Daughter: "Call Me Maybe" (Carly Rae Jepsen)

Newcomers to the blog may not know this, but I have an 18-month-old daughter, named Quinn, who I've been singing to since she popped out of her mother's womb.  Mostly They Might be Giants songs ("Turn Around" "We Want A Rock") and Frente's take on New Order's "Bizarre Love Triangle."  I also made a mix CD for her when she started sleeping in her own room with Simon and Garfunkel, The Kings of Convenience, The Beatles and even more TMBG.  She loves music, she loves to sing, and she loves to dance.  And her favorite song to dance to is "Call Me Maybe."  All she needs to hear are those opening strings, and she's grooving.  It's great!

It doesn't hurt that "Call Me Maybe" is catchy and likable.  I absolutely do not trust anyone who says they hate this song.  You can think it's "OK" or be "kinda sick of it," but if you outright hate it, I question whether or not you have a soul.

2012 Release That I Listened To Obsessively: Mumps, Etc. (Why?)

In 2012, my iPod died.  Without my music catalogue at my fingertips and still unsure of how to download podcasts onto my iPhone (I know how to now!  I'm a big boy!), I was lost, rudderless, forced to interact with my co-workers without ear buds in my head and listen to Funny 570 AM on the drives to and from work (Ugh.).  I mentioned my iPod's untimely passing to a co-worker, who burned copies of two Why? albums for me, Alopecia and Mumps, Etc., two great albums from one of a thousand musical entities on my Check Out This Band list.  I listened to Alopecia a lot first, thinking it was the new one.  Then, after misplacing Alopecia (Dammit!), I put in Mumps, Etc., the actual new one, and a brand-new obsession was birthed.  If you were to climb into my car right now and start it up, I'm pretty sure "Paper Hearts" would be blaring.  Please don't do that - hop in my car and start it up - because I'm liable to think you are stealing it and I may come after you like commando on LSD.  But if you do choose to steal my car, and any of Mumps, Etc.'s tracks are playing at an especially high volume, don't turn it down.  Bump that shit, son!

[Note: The above song, "Jonathan's Hope," is my favorite track, but I also very much enjoy "As A Card," "Paper Hearts," "Bitter Thoughts," and "Thirteen on High."]

Favorite Hate Listen: "Let Me Love You (Until You Learn to Love Yourself) (Ne-Yo)

It doesn't matter whether or not you've heard this song, you can probably tell why I hate it from reading the title.  It's like something Dr. Phil would force a nitwit on his show to say to another, more maladjusted nitwit on his show.  Or like the scene in Good Will Hunting where Good Will Hunting makes a breakthrough in therapy played on a loop.  Or like Hello Kitten vomiting rainbows into a corral full of puppies made of marshmallow fluff.  Ooooh, I hate it so much!!!

Well, why listen?  Damn those poppy, club beats.  This song hooks me every time I hear it on the radio.  "Maybe it won't suck this time," I tell myself.  "Of course it's going to suck this time," my brain screams at me.  "It sucks every time.  It will keep sucking every time.  Turn Mumps, Etc. back on.    I want to hear "Jonathan's Hope" for the fifth time during this drive."

Hate Listen Runner-Up: That techno remix of Maroon 5's "One More Night."  

Dammit, I hate that song sooooo much!!!

Live Music Experience: Fang Island @ Local 506

About five minutes into Fang Island's set I remember thinking, "This might be the greatest thing I've ever seen."  For the duration of their time on stage - certainly no longer than one half hour - I forgot that I had the worst toothache in recorded history.  Thank you, Fang Island.

Read the rest of this article.

25 Days of Horrible Holiday Decorations: Day 15 - Santa Toilet Seat Cover and Rug Set

Earlier this month, I wrote about Christmas decorations that are specifically designed to humiliate Santa Claus, depicting Jolly Saint Nick as some kind of fart machine or a madman bent on tracking down and murdering his reindeer employees.  The Santa Claus Toilet Seat Cover and Rug Set cuts out the middleman (I don't know who the middleman is in this scenario, so don't ask.) and allows one to simply shit in Kris Kringle's face.  Or urinate, if you prefer, or, you know, don't have to shit.  I just wish the rug was a little longer, so we'd have a crotch to kick Santa in.

Read the rest of this article.

Friday, December 14, 2012

25 Days of Horrible Holiday Decorations: Day 14 - Bazinga Stocking

This sucks so much.

I promise, no more stockings.  It's too easy and that's not the kind of blog I run.  

Read the rest of this article.

Thursday, December 13, 2012

25 Days of Horrible Holiday Decorations: Day 13 - One Direction Stocking

I'm not going to waste everybody's time and make fun of a child's stocking featuring the likeness of a member of British boy band One Direction.  If that's what you are here to read, then you can kindly fudge off.  There are ugly stockings emblazoned with every conceivable pop culture entity for sale out there, so many, in fact, that this feature could easily become 25 Days of Stupid Pop Culture Stockings, and maybe it will someday, but for now it's not, so, whatever.

In my opinion, stockings should be fairly basic: red or green with white trim, the first letter of your first name sewn into it if you feel like getting fancy.  You hang it on your mantle or on the wood paneled wall in your basement - which me and my wife were forced to do in previous years as we were until now mantleless - and on Christmas Even you cram candy into it.  That's it.  All these SpongeBob and Power Rangers and Hello Kitty and Disney Princess and Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time stockings are ridiculous.  All pop culture stockings are super lame, except for one with Captain Kirk on it.

But that's not the point of the above picture.  I took this picture at my local Target store while shopping with my wife and daughter one Saturday afternoon.  It was the last One Direction stocking available, hanging lopsided and alone in the back.  It kind of made me sad.  Who was this poor, lone member of the world's most popular boy band (I don't know if that's true) that had been neglected by the swarm of tweenage locusts who had cleared the shelves of all other One Direction stockings?  Believe it or not, I'm not familiar with the members of One Direction, so I don't know which one this is.  And who can read that chicken scratch of a signature?  No wonder nobody wants your stocking, dude, you're penmanship is atrocious.
Through research, I've come to find out that this young man's name is Louis.  I don't know where he falls on the list of hottest to decidedly-not-hottest in most tween's hearts, but judging from this abandoned, flaccid stocking, I'd guess the ladies aren't really lovin' cool Louis.*  Aww.  

So, to make a short story insufferably long and then end it abruptly, I bought the stocking.  I can see it hanging on our mantle from my desk, just waiting for Santa Claus to cram goodies inside.  Merry Christmas, Louis and One Direction Bless Us Everyone.

*A quick perusal of Twitter shows that ladies do, in fact, love cool Louis.  I no longer feel bad for the guy.  Now I kind of hate him.  I'm tossing this stocking into the fire right now.  Serves you right, stocking, making me feel and shit...

Read the rest of this article.

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

25 Days of Horrible Holiday Decorations: Day 12 - Christmas Hip Hop Bear

There's nothing I can write here that would be anywhere near as funny as the Web site description of this ridiculous product:

Hip Hop Bear will rap up Christmas

(Oh, what a wonderful pun!  I've got some better ones: "Hip Hop Bear will hip hop his way into your heart" or "Hip Hop Bear drops a drive-by on Christmas' sorry ass" or "Happy Birthday, Jesus.  Here's that rapping teddy bear you asked for."  I'm aware most of those were not puns.)

Christmas Hip Hop Bear is doing some Christmas rapping. Press his paw and watch him sing, dance and groove to Jingle Bells.

(Yes, Jingle Bells, the ultimate groove song.  Can you think of a better Christmas carol to groove to?  Wait, a minute.  What the hell does groove even mean?

Groove: Slang. an enjoyable time or experience.

OK, so I guess any song ever written, Christmas carol or otherwise, is better for "grooving to" than Jingle Bells.

Also, what other kind of rapping is Christmas Hip Hop Bear gonna do?  Halloween rapping?  Boxing Day rapping?  Sheesh.)

A cheeky Christmas gift for someone into rap music, hip hop or American contemporary fashion, Christmas Hip Hop Bear will certainly provide some Christmas cheer.

American contemporary fashion???

Christmas Hip Hop Bear has a light creamy snout and brown fur on his body, and wears his hip hop gear, baseball cap and trademark gold bling. 

Well, at least they've got the gear right.  Thank God for small miracles, right?

Press Christmas Hip Hop Bear's paw to play the music.

For ages 3 and up.

4 AA batteries included.

Surface washable.

Glad the surface is washable, since this thing is so cool I'll probably be jizzing all over it.

And, hooray, there's video proof that Christmas Hip Hop Rapping Bear is the stupidest thing ever invented:

And, wow, there's also a Hip Hop Christmas Doberman for no reason:

Read the rest of this article.

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

25 Days of Horrible Holiday Decorations: Day 11 - The Last Christmas Supper

Every year, the citizens of Meadow (pronounced "meta"), North Carolina, decorate their town with thousands of Christmas lights and displays honoring both Jesus and the USA, and invite the rest of the state to drive slowly by and gawk.

I had the distinct pleasure of taking a ride through the town of Meadow last Saturday and it was nothing short of magical.  Sure, the traffic is awful and Meadow is roughly the size of a postage stamp, but, wow, the lights.  In all honesty, some of the lights were really great.  Some of the holiday displays, however, were a bit, um, let's say muddled.

There is a series of displays, titled "Happy Birthday Jesus," which depict the significant moments in the life of the Christian savior of the world, Jesus Christ, not all of them the Christmas parts.  There is a nativity scene and the neon-colored wisemen.  This is followed by a scene in which two mannequins dressed in bathrobes watch a third mannequin stand behind a podium.  I've been mulling it over since last weekend and I cannot figure out what this weird life-sized diorama is supposed to represent.  It's got to be an event that occurred between Jesus's birth and the Last Supper, as this is where the scene falls in the sequence of displays, but I don't remember any stories about two dudes watching a third dude stand behind a podium in a cramped shed.  If you've got any ideas, drop me a line.

The strangest part of the "Happy Birthday Jesus" sequence is the inclusion of the Easter story.  You've got the last supper (pictured above for you heathens that don't know any better), followed by the Crucifixion, which is great yuletide fun as you can probably imagine.  Along with the three crosses, by the way, is a vintage gas pump.  I took a picture, but it didn't turn out very well.

The Last Supper is especially horrible because, and I have this on good authority, the disciples' beards are actually ladies' wigs.  Yes, the disciples have wigs attached to their chins.  Oh, Meadow.

I'm just busting your chestnuts, Meadow.  I had a good time slowly rolling through your town.  And your country buffet restaurant was absolutely delicious, even though I had to wait in line for an hour-and-a-half and my daughter was hungry and cold (Actually, she did all right.  There was lots of stuff to do in line.).  Let's do it again next year.  Maybe I can get some better pictures.

Read the rest of this article.

Monday, December 10, 2012

25 Days of Horrible Holiday Decorations: Day 10 - Christmas Pirate Ship Inflatable

Is there a well-known Christmas story, poem or carol that takes place on a pirate ship?  I didn't think so, so, why is there an inflatable Christmas pirate ship captained by a one-eyed Kris Kringle available for purchase on the internet?  There is no reason other than people are dumb and other people know this and have access to warehouses full of inflatable crap.

Look, I can buy Santa Claus and his North Pole buddies taking a pleasure cruise, but this is a straight up pirate ship.  What do you need the cannons for, Claus?  Are they a creative present delivery system or are they destructive war machines meant to punish the naughty?  

There better be a candy cane plank to walk, or else I'm calling it right now: this is the dumbest, most horrible holiday decoration ever conceived.  There.  I said it.

(And now a short play - a playlette, if you will - in which a neighbor who has installed the above monstrosity on his lawn attempts to tell me (played here by myself) a seasonal, pirate-themed joke.

Neighbor: What did Pirate Santa say when the little kid sat on his lap?

Me: "There is no such thing as Pirate Santa, therefore, I do not exist."  And the little kid fell off of the empty throne in the middle of the mall that his haggard mother had just sat him upon.

Neighbor: Uh.  No.  He said, um, "Yo ho ho ho.  Merry X-mas marks the spot."

Me: How do you live with yourself?

And SCENE!!!!!)

Read the rest of this article.

Sunday, December 9, 2012

Christmas Wishlist 2012: Everything Else

Only 15 shopping days left until Christmas Eve, dudes, and I don't mean to be rude, but the area underneath my tree is severely lacking in presents.  Let's get serious about this, all right?  This is the one time of year I ask for anything from you guys, not counting the weekly pleads to tell your friends and family members about this blog (By the way, could you please do that for me too?  Real quick.  Tell, like, three friends about the blog and then come back and finish up this post.).  Let's make this my best Christmas ever.

Last time I shared items from my 2012 wishlist, I focused on fashion.  Today, I'm basically posting everything else I want.  So, without further boring blah-blah-blah, let's start.

1. Nowhere but Up: The Story of Justin Bieber's Mom:  At last, a book worth reading!  There are so many books, you guys, and most of them are terrible.  I mean, really awful.  Thank goodness for Pattie Mallette and her instructional guide on how to craft your very own pre-teen pop sensation.  That's what's it about, right?  Why else would anyone ever choose to read a 288-page book written by Justin Bieber's mother on purpose?

Overview: Most people only know her as Justin Bieber's mom, but Pattie Mallette has had an incredible journey of her own. Many people have heard of her son's rags to riches triumph. A few know she was a teen mom who had to overcome a drug and alcohol addiction. Even fewer know the rest of her story. Now, for the first time in detail, Pattie shares with the world the story of a girl who felt abandoned and unloved. Of a teenager who made poor choices. Of a young woman who attempted suicide and could hardly bear to believe that God would ever care for her. One who messed up, got pregnant, and got a second chance. Every reader will find themselves somewhere in Pattie's painful journey of redemption. They will be encouraged by her example that what was once broken can become whole. Pattie's story will inspire readers to believe that even in the darkest of places, there's always hope. For those who feel unlovable, there's always love. And for those who believe they're a lost cause, there's always room for another chance.

I knew it!  Teen pregnancy is the answer to all of life's problems!  Quit slagging on Teen Mom 2 and 16 And Pregnant, you holier-than-thou a-holes.  Those girls are just breeding the next generation's Justin Biebers and One Directions.  They're doing us a favor.

2. CuddleUppets: Finally, a hybrid that makes fucking sense!  I'm sick and tired of all these pillow-fied pets and animals with nightlights shoved up their asses.  Blankets and puppets just feel right.  And, OK, this commercial for CuddleUppets never once stops being creepy, but that doesn't mean everyone in American doesn't need one.  Doesn't the stress of this whole "fiscal cliff" thing that I barely understand sort of "melt away" when you daydream about being snug and warm inside of a puppet that, let's face it, looks like it's been smoking weed all day while waiting for you to get home from work?

3. Pizza Shirts: Pizza Shirts come in two styles:


and Partially-Digested and Vomited Into a Filthy Toilet

Read the rest of this article.

25 Days of Horrible Holiday Decorations: Day 9 - Battery Operated Polar Bear Lawn Silhouette

Happy Holidays!  Here's a polar bear molesting a tree.

Read the rest of this article.

Saturday, December 8, 2012

25 Days of Horrible Holiday Decorations: Day 8 - Prince Dastan Ornament

Look, if you enjoy a particular film or television property, by all means, decorate your tree with its ornaments.  If Family Guy is your favorite TV show, hang a naked Peter Griffin holding a present over his dick and balls on your tree.  Hang it from the highest limb, directly under your angel tree topper, you know, the angel tree topper that represents the angels who announced the birth of Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior.  And, please, if you love the Twilight Saga, adorn your Tannenbaum with Twilight-themed ornaments.  God knows there's enough of them in existence to choke a whole team of sleigh-pulling reindeer.  And while we're at it, if you can't get enough of Harry Potter and all of his magical friends, proudly display that Dobby ornament on your holiday shrubbery of choice.  Chances are it's extreme ugliness will keep your cat from messing with the tree or bush in question, so there's a positive.  We've got all kinds of crazy ornaments on our tree - South Park characters, Hello Kitty, various citizens of Sesame Street, the entire Simpsons clan.  These are entertainments that we enjoy, therefore, they are on our tree.

But, honestly, who gives a shit about Disney's Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time?  Nobody, right?  What oddball exited his local multiplex in the summer of 2010 and said to himself, "That Prince of Persia movie was pretty bad-ass.  I can't wait until the Christmas ornament comes out."?  No one did, at least, that's what I have to tell myself so I can sleep at night.

I would hang up a Christmas ornament from almost any other Jake Gyllenhaal movie.  

Brokeback Mountain?  Of course.  It's one of my favorite movies.  Plus, they could make it a talking one that says "Why can't I quit you?" when you push a button on its cowboy hat.

Jarhead?  Sure.  Nothing says "Merry Christmas" like Jake Gyllenhaal with a buzzcut.

The Good Girl?  Oh, hell yes.  Plus, they could make it a talking one that says "you're a hooker, you hooker" when you push a button on its discount store vest.

I probably wouldn't want a Bubble Boy-themed ornament, because then people would think I'd seen Bubble Boy.  And I'd rather have a Frank ornament than a Donnie Darko one.

Read the rest of this article.

Thursday, December 6, 2012

25 Days of Horrible Holiday Decorations: Day 6 - Dobby Ornament

"Oh, hey, you guys put up your tree!  It looks great!  You're telling me this thing is fake?  No way.  It looks so real.  The lights are perfect and everything.  It came pre-lit?!?  You're putting me on, guys!  This is a great looking Christmas--

"Hold on.  What's the story with this progeria kid ornament?  This one right here.  That's who?  Dobby?  From what?  

"Oh, I get it!  It was a gag gift from work, right?  You guys had an ugly ornament exchange and you got stuck with--

"You bought that?  To hang on your tree?  Hmmmm...

"Well, I'm going to go now and try really hard not to burn your Christmas tree down before I leave.  Oops.  I failed.  Merry...cough, cough...Christmas...cough...

"Wow, this thing...cough, cough...even goes up in flames...hack, a real tree."

-from a holiday monologue entitled You Put That On Your Christmas Tree? by M. K. Lawson

Read the rest of this article.

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

25 Days of Horrible Holiday Decorations: Day 5 - Snow Globe Candle

Our society is obsessed with taking two completely unrelated things and mashing them together to create something new and stupid.  For example, pillows and pets.  Or nightlights and pets.  Or luggage and pets.  And so many others.

The above is what happens when a candle and a snow globe are combined.  You get some kind of weird candle snow globe mutant.  I mean, look at it.  It doesn't make any sense.  It's making my brain ache.  I can't get over how astronomically stupid this is...

I'm sorry.  I tried.  I actually think this is pretty cool.  I wouldn't put it up in my house or anything, but that's only because this is a picture.  If I had an actual candle snow globe hybrid in my possession, you can bet I'd have it in a place of Christmas honor.  Probably on the mantle between my Universal Monsters Nativity Scene and Noel the Farting Christmas Tree, the battery-operated Christmas tree that dances to the radio (even to NPR!!!).  Yeah, somebody get me one of these stupid things.

Read the rest of this article.