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Friday, January 11, 2013

8 Historical Inaccuracies From the Film LINCOLN

2013 has been pretty great so far.  I finally beat my wife's high score in Bejeweled; I ate more sushi in one night than in the entirety of 2012 and lived through the night; I saw Marc Maron at a local comedy club and paid nearly $17.00 for a whiskey sour; the wife and I saw the motion picture Lincoln.

Speaking of Lincoln: great movie, but, man oh man, was it historically inaccurate.  We've all witness Steven Spielberg playing fast and loose with science and history in the past (Jurassic Park; Indiana Jones and The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull; 1941; Schindler's List), but Lincoln was ridiculous, especially to a history buff like myself.  I made a list of these historical inaccuracies on my iPhone during the film, much to the chagrin of the old couple sitting next to me, who, if I'm not mistaken, were actually alive during Lincoln's presidency and, therefore, should have been 1-million times more offended then me, a young punk with a magic light-up phone that fits in his pocket.  It was more fear than chagrin, to be honest.  Probably looked like some sort of devilry or something to their old, cataract-stricken peepers.

Anyway, here are just a handful of the egregious historical mistakes made in the film Lincoln.

1. In the opening scene, in which he chats with Union soldiers while enjoying a 6-piece order of Chicken McNuggets,  President Lincoln is dipping said nuggets into a cup of Sweet Chili Sauce which wasn't even introduced to the McDonald's menu until the MID-1870S!

2.  Mary Todd Lincoln was undeniably crazy, but she never stalked and murdered visitors to the White House with a machete while wearing a goalie's mask like in the movie.  President Lincoln had a very strict 'No Machetes' policy in the White House, as his father was murdered by a machete, A MACHETE BRANDISHING A HANDGUN!

3. Thaddeus Stevens, played by Tommy Lee Jones, never removed his wig, as he does in the penultimate scene in Lincoln.  The real Thaddeus Stevens was unable to remove his wig as it was stuck to his head permanently by an ANCIENT INDIAN CURSE!  To even think about removing it would have invoked the wrath of Heyo-Pothwhaite, the crow god of harvest and wrath.

4. Lincoln's voice didn't sound like that!  Everyone knows Abraham Lincoln spoke in a COMICAL FRENCH ACCENT!

5. Tad Lincoln was not the precocious little moppet we see in Lincoln, oh no.  Tad spent most of his short life grounded and locked in his room for RIDING HIS SKATEBOARD through the halls of the White House and listening to his PUNK ROCK in the Oval Office.

6. Spielberg's films depict President Lincoln's love of telling stories, but contrary to the what's in the movie, most, if not all, of Lincoln's stories revolved around the LADYBOY PROSTITUTES HE ENCOUNTERED during his college graduation trip to Bangkok.

7. Alexander H Stephens, the Vice President of the Confederate States during the Civil War, played by Jackie Earle Haley, was actually JACKE EARLE HALEY HIMSELF, who accidentally time-traveled himself back to Civil War-era America during a mid-80's COKE BINGE!  (Seriously!  Look!)

8. The passing of the 13th Amendment was momentous, no doubt, but not even mentioned in the movie, and much more important some might say, was the vote that followed, when Congress decided once and for all WHERE THE BEEF WAS.  (It was, in fact, between the two buns, they agreed, just very hard to find because it was so small.)

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