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Saturday, January 26, 2013

Pure Pop Nausea: Dev & Christina Aguilera

If you've been following along, you are most likely aware that I have been consuming mass quantities of Top 40 radio lately.  To be fair, I've been doing it willingly.  It hasn't been a Zero Dark Thirty waterboarding-type deal or anything.  I've chosen the presets on my car radio with both a clear mind and a clean conscience.  I've enjoyed my descent into the depths of pop (Which I'll discuss in several upcoming blog posts.  Lucky you!), but I'm starting to feel a little sick.  Not because, for instance, I've listened to both the regular and techo-remixed versions of Maroon 5's "One More Night" within seconds of each other on more than one occasion or because the last three times I've picked my daughter up from daycare, 93.9 FM, my chosen pop delivery system, has played R. Kelly's "Ignition (Remix)," a song I actually love, but because, well, some songs are gross.  So many Top 40 songs are gross, in fact, that I feel completely justified in creating a totally new feature to discuss them.  This week I'll be looking at the inspiration for Pure Pop Nausea, as well as Christina Aguilera's ode to casual, anonymous sex.  Get out your barf bags, everybody!

"In The Dark" (Dev)


I first heard Dev's "In The Dark" on the way to meet my family at a Santa Claus meet-and-greet.  That's right.  I was traveling to a local pizza eatery to meet Santa and donate money to a good cause I can't currently remember.  If I'd allowed the lyrics, as well as the overall grimy feeling of "In The Dark," to linger with me into dinner, I'm certain I would've vomited my slice of pineapple and jalapeno pizza all over Father Christmas's beard.

Offending Lyrics

"open my body up and do some surgery": Do what now?  Can you imagine hooking up with a girl, taking her back to your place, lighting some candles, pouring some sparkling cider, and finding yourselves in the, uh-oh, bedroom, and she whispers this phrase in your ear?  Ultimate boner killer, right?  Unless you're, I don't know, Patrick Bateman.  You couldn't put something here, like, "open my shirt up and check out my boobs" or "because you're so respectful I will allow you to touch my unclothed butt," Dev?  Jumping right to the "surgery play"-- which I'm so certain is a thing that's totally gross, that I refuse to Google it--seems like an odd move.  Maybe I've just been out of the game too long.

"now that you got me, boy, you know you better spice it, flavor it, get it right, savor it": So, this is a song about cannibalism then?  What am I flavoring and for what purpose?  I should tell you, Dev, that the mixing of sex and food is my biggest turn off, followed closely by sex and jokes.  Sex and cannibalism doesn't even factor into things because obviously.

"Your Body" (Christina Aguilera)

I actually like this song, and as a fan of Christina Aguilera's "body" (nudge, nudge) of work, I also really like this video.  But, man, is this song gross.  In a lot of ways "Your Body" is grosser than "In The Dark."  Again, maybe it's just me.  I've never been an advocate of meaningless sex, never really got the appeal, but if you are one of the millions of people who do enjoy this practice on a regularly basis, more power to you.  I wouldn't suggest you go about things the way X-tina does in this particular song, but to each their herpes.

Offending Lyrics

"I don't need to know where you've been, all I need to know is you and no need for talking": That's just plain dumb, Christina.  Ms. Aguilera makes it very clear from the outset that she plans on going out and boning any and everything she comes in contact with.  There is no mention of packing any protection or asking potential suitors when their last HIV test was or anything.  Christina is looking to bang the night away, caution and vagina to the wind.

"it's true what you heard, I am a freak, I'm disturbed, so come on give me your worst": She's talking about condom-less, lube-less anal sex with a syphillitic Somalian pirate, right?  That's what I get from these lyrics.  Or is this another thinly-veiled reference to cannibalism?  When will this generation's pop stars realize cannibalism just isn't cool anymore.

A Few Words on the Video

I encourage you to watch the video, but in case you don't, I should inform you that not only does Christina hump a bunch of random dudes in it, she also kills them in increasingly surreal ways:

Guy #1 she bones in the front seat of his car, and then, while he enjoys a post-coital nap, Aguilera COVERS THE CAR IN GASOLINE AND BLOWS IT UP!?!

Guy #2 she bangs in a men's room stall and then murders him by FEMALE EJACULATING BLUE POISON ALL OVER HIM?!?

Guy #3 doesn't even get to have sex with Aguilera.  She takes him to a scummy motel, performs a suggestive dance in a skintight black dress, and smashes his head in with a baseball bat.  Oh, yeah, HIS ENTIRE BODY EXPLODES IN A PLUME OF GLITTERY, RED CONFETTI!?!

That's all we get in the video, but who knows who The Voices' Christina Aguilera will kill next?  Could it be YOU?!?!?!?  Or YOU?!?!?!

Probably not.

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