From: Matt Lawson
Sent: Fri 5/01/09 9:22 PM
To: Jonathan Cook
I'm writing to you from a boat. Isn't that fucking sweet!!?
So, a cruise vacation is apparently my biggest nightmare. At first I thought it was going to be the trapped feeling or the rocking, but no...it's the forced communal activities, the constant fucking noise (just now, another fucking band just started playing behind me...ugh), the barrage of twits asking "bar service?" every ten seconds, the lack of anything interesting to do but pay 55 cents a minute to reach out to a friend from somwhere on the Atlantic Ocean. The food is good, but I just back from watching a bunch of drunken idiots play Family Feud and it was terrible.
Anyway, I just thought you'd like to know what's going on. I would do anything to be back in Raleigh not on a cruise ship and not hearing this fuckwit sing terribly behind me. I mean, WTF????
I'm probably gonna drop some money at the casino and cry myself to sleep.
Just look at this crap-hole!
From: Jonathan CookSent: Fri 5/01/09 10:12 PM
To: Matt Lawson
But, dude, you're on a boat! I've never been on a boat, so I can't say just how awesome it is, but popular songs and legends tell of wonderful mermaids, ice sculptures, communal dining, life boats, portholes, Kathy Lee Gifford, autotune, and sex with mermaids. Did you hit golf balls at whales? Did you have boat sex just so you could clumsily hit your head on a bulkhead and say the knot on your head came from when you hit your head on a bulkhead during boat sex? Did you yell "man overboard" even once? If not, you're not enjoying the full boat experience. Your experience sounds awful and makes me not want to have anything to do with boats. Feel free to try my ideas.
Welcome to Hell is more like it! God, Nassau sucks!
From: Matt LawsonTo: Jonathan Cook
Subject: RE: from a boat
Date: Sun, 3 May 2009 18:00:01 -0400
I'll admit, yesterday's stop at Royal Caribbean-owned island Coco Cay wasn't that bad. I don't know if it's because I was finally off this infernal cruise ship or because I was already drunk by 11:00. I purchased a whiskey sour and the dude made it in a huge souviner cup. Also it was more of a 'whiskey hold the sour'. Soon after I indulged in something called a Coco Loco then stumbled off into the ocean to snorkel and check out a fake plane crash. Filled with a new sense of purpose, I tried to make the best of my time back on the boat. I watched drunk people sing karaoke and that was OK, but the midnight buffet was a bust.
Today we visited Nassau and, what a surprise, it sucked. It was boring, sad, and my father only let us go back to the boat when he decided that my sister could take no more. Ugh. We got back to the ship, I ate some truly awful buffet food, and slept for three hours. Only dinner, a second karaoke extravaganza, the unfunny headlining comedian's Late Night Dirty Show for Adults, and a full night's sleep and I will be back in Miami and then it's on to Raleigh where I plan on blotting this trip out with either heavy amounts of alcohol or a blow to the head.
Thank you for your suggestions. I appreciate you trying to help me make the best of this experience. As I suspected, I am not a cruise guy and I don't care if I ever, EVER set foot on a fucking cruise ship again.
Blotting out the memories