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Tuesday, February 12, 2013

GEP Best of...: Dress Your Loved Ones in Fishnets and Hooker Heels

Originally posted 5/25/2011.

There was an interesting (?) article on Yahoo last week about a woman who was dared to allow her boyfriend to dress her for one week. The results were surprisingly dull. The boyfriend didn't really do that bad of a job. The craziest thing he did was give his girlfriend pigtails on Day 7. So edgy!

If the piece proves anything--and I don't even know if it was the author's intention to prove any kind of point--it's that men aren't as clueless as the fairer sex sometimes thinks we are. If asked to pick out outfits for our wives or girlfriends for a week, the majority of men are not going to whip out the fishnets and the transparent hooker heels. We're men, after all, not animals.

Then again, I think the boyfriend in this scenario missed a perfect opportunity to, for lack of a better, infinitely less vulgar term, fuck with his girl. She'd given him a chance to dress her in the aforementioned fishnets and whore shoes, no questions asked. She'd opened the door to all sorts of crazy clothes concoctions and this guy, frankly, dropped the ball. But this is why Giant Electric Penguin exists: to right the wrongs of our misguided brethren (and sistren, when the need arises). With that in mind we present what we think is a much better week of wardrobe choices for BeautyRiot Diva. We hope you agree.DAY 1: TAMPA TEMPTRESS
Why not push the limits right at the top of the week? The first day in any sort of "pick-out-your-girlfriend's-clothes-for-a-week" scenario NEEDS to be something controversial, something bold. Your lady friend has been dared to follow your rules, don any sort of crazy costume you can comprehend. Why not the slutty cheerleading outfit, I ask. This choice shows your significant other that you are taking the dare seriously. It shows you've got team spirit. Go team!DAY 2: THE CLASSY LASSY
There has never been a snazzier dresser in the Marvel Comics Universe than the White Queen. This ensemble is perfect for a romantic dinner, a 10-year high school reunion, or a showdown with the X-Men. Maybe it's just me, but I think a woman looks quite fetching in a furry cape. It probably is just me.DAY 3: RON SWANSON'S DREAM DATE
There is no more important fashion icon these days then popular recording artist Lady Gaga. There is no ingredient more versatile and delicious than beef. Dressing your lady in a steak dress shows that you are hip to current trends in fashion and music and who doesn't want to be hip to things?DAY 4: GETTIN' SQUIRRELY!
Squirrel costumes just make me smile. And if I'm smiling, I know my lady's smiling. Course, I'll have to ask her, as the complete squirrel costume makes emotions virtually impossible to read.DAY 5: YOGA PANTS
Perhaps you feel this choice is better suited for our Perving Out series. Listen, I may be running a comedy blog here, but I'll be damned if I'm gonna let a bunch of close-minded conservative finger-waggers take away my right to celebrate sweet female asses crammed into skintight pants! Good day, sir!DAY 6: COS-PLAYTIME
Cosplay is unfairly maligned by non-creeps, and I think that is unfair. There's nothing wrong with a little cosplay, just as there's nothing wrong with a little light S&M on your birthday. You're telling me your old lady won't feel beautiful dressed as Rosalina, the interstellar princess from Super Mario Galaxy? How could she not? She's got a crown AND a wand. And you don't have to limit your girlfriend to Mario princesses neither. It just so happens that women can look just as classy dressed as Mario, his brother Luigi, or their dinosaur buddy Yoshi. You see, the possibilities are endless.DAY 7: HOLLYWOOD DREAM COME TRUE
Hell, it's day seven: get stupid crazy. Your girl will never expect an Eddie Murphy-style fat suit, but there you'll be, with a team of make-up artists, ready to make your lady's Hollywood dreams bear fruit. Millions--well, hundreds, at least--are delighted by Murphy's farting fatties and now your sweetheart can experience the same love and admiration. If only for a day.

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