I gather all of the latest on what's hip and cool in American popular culture solely through the Trending Topics list on my Twitter page. It is my feeling that Twitterers are the only members of our society that truly have their fingers on the pulse of what really matters. I mean, that's why I joined the Twitter-verse, man. I don't want to get left in the dust, scoffed at for being an old man, and dragged deep into the snowy wilderness and left alone with nothing but a pack of matches and bundle of dry sticks on my 32nd birthday. I want to know what's hot, what's happening, and what's happening now!
Over the past month, I've seen only one entity hold steady in the ever shifting Trending Topics landscape. That entity is Mr. Justin Bieber. If you don't know who Bieber is, first, I'd say, get a clue, Oldie McOatmealfart! Where have you been the last six months? Probably marinating in your own filth, playing BINGO with your saggy-titted friends and whining about your bedsores to anyone in a nurses uniform. Then, I'd explain that Justin Bieber is a 15-year-old pop star from Canada who has been known to inadvertently cause shopping mall riots.
He has also, possibly inadvertently, amassed a zombie-like army of frothing-at-the-mouth teenage girls willing to perform any act, no matter how degrading, to further his cause, which, if I've done my research correctly, is to make sure that there is one less lonely girl in the world at any particular time. These Bieberites, as I call them, have conquered Twitter and plastered it with their psychotic, rambling messages of unquestioning adoration, demanding that like-minded disciples of The Bieber "re-tweet" their disturbing missives in able to recruit even more followers.
Plus, they love to take online Justin Bieber quizzes!
I decided to descend into this sick, sad world of Bieber worship, in an attempt to understand the tweenage minds that have embraced this floppy-haired moppet as the second coming of Christ, you know, if Christ had been a Canadian pop singer. Today, I will take you through two of the six online Justin Bieber quizzes I completed. I warn you, this is not a post for the weak of stomach. I assure you that all of the following is 100% true, and not in the sense that My Life as Liz is true, by which I mean, completely false.
LilMissyAlri2k9 I just took "IF U AND justin bieber were boyfriend & girlfriend what NICKNAME WOULD HE GIVE U?" and got: Rose! Try it: http://bit.ly/d44ER7
Question 1: do u like candy?
My choices: yeah...; OH YEAH!!!!!!!; taste ok...; YEAH...BUT IM A PICKY EATER; SORTA...; LOVE IT 4EVER
My process: Right off the bat I was thrown. How would my feelings on candy factor into Justin's nickname selection? And what about people who don't enjoy a nice piece of candy? Don't they get a choice? Apparently not. If you don't like candy in some capacity, Justin Bieber doesn't have time for you.
My choice: LOVE IT 4EVER
Question 2: I was given a list of emoticons to choose from, but given no further instructions.
My choice: =-)
Question 3: Do you love Justin?
My process: Unlike the candy question, those quiz-takers who could not in good conscience proclaim undying love for Justin Bieber were given a choice, although one that, I feel, because of the inclusion of an explanation point, was needlessly cruel. I was forced to choose this answer though, but I did so not out of spite but because me and Mr. Bieber have never met nor have I listened to even one of his songs to completion.
My choice: NO!
Question 4: Do u have Justin Bieber posters?
My process: Again, like the inquiry into one's level of candy enjoyment, the answer choices provided were insufficient for casual Bieber fans or those who seriously couldn't give less of a shit and are taking this ridiculous quiz to use as fodder for their blog. One of the choices was literally "over a MILLION BILLION!!!!!" My final answer was only half accurate, but I did the best I could do.
My answer: Not even 1! Parents don't allow.
Question 5: WOULD U TRADE JUSTIN 4 UR BFF?
My choices: My Friend...NO DOUBT!!!!; RU KIDDING? NO!; ID TRADE HER 4 HIM ANYDAY!!!!!; JUSTINS MY ALL....BUT THESE R MY FRIEND WERE TALKIN BOUT SO NO!; YEAH!
My process: Ah, the first question of the feature that borders on the psychotic. I don't know which is worse: any of the answers that are basically "yes, of course I would give up a relationship with a friend to be with Justin Bieber, a 15-year-old young man who I will in reality never meet or lose interest in when the next pop douche rolls off the pop douche assembly line" OR the "I'm not going to give up my best friend, but I do want you to know that Justin Bieber is my absolute everything, ok?"
My choice: RU KIDDING? NO!
Results: he loves ur name just the way it is!
Wait, WHAT?! I answer all of your questions openly and honestly and Justin doesn't even give me a nickname? BULLSHIT! I've got a nickname for you, Justin Bieber! Little Mister Time Waster! How do you like that?
VivianandGary I just took "ok u just broke up with JUSTIN BIEBER and u leave..." and got: wow u really care and love for him! Try it: http://bit.ly/9DgL11
Quiz's Full, I'm-Totally-Not-Making-This-Up Name: ok u just broke up with JUSTIN BIEBER and u leave him in the middle of the road and a HUGE TRUCK HITS HIM! WHAT DO U DO?
Question 1: u saw what was seen what do u do
My choices: leave him there; run up to him and scream "OMG JUSTIN!"; IDK; IDK
My process: I understand that watching someone be flattened by a truck while you look on may shock you into a catatonic state in which you honestly do not know what to do, but really, random quiz-creating middle school girl with braces, two IDKs? Also, "leave him there" is much too cruel of an option. Sure, we just broke up, but that doesn't mean I want the young man to be run over by a truck.
My choice: run up to him and scream "OMG JUSTIN!"
Question 2: when u try to help him up (cuz the truck hurt his leg really bad) u start fallin what goes on
My choices: shove him off ewwwwwww; IDK; well im on top of him.....MAKE OUT FEST; IDK
My process: OK. I don't know where to start with this one. First of all, you are helping him up, right, because his leg was badly injured? You've got to be happy that he's only suffered a leg injury. The boy was hit by a damn truck, for Pete's sake! This is nothing short of a miracle. That being said, should you really move him? Maybe he has suffered some internal injuries of which you are not aware. Secondly, if you are helping him up, how is he simultaneously falling on you while you're falling on him? That's a poorly thought out question, sister. Thirdly, why, after you've just broken up with Justin Bieber and then witnessed him being hit by a truck, would you suddenly feel it appropriate to start making out with him? Also, what if for the previous question you'd taken the heartless route of leaving Justin to suffer and die, alone, in the middle of a busy highway? Would you make out with him then? If so, how? You can't leave someone and dry hump them at the same time. Perhaps I'm giving this too much thought.
My answer: IDK
Question 3: the doctor says that they need to take JUSTINS leg off what do u do
My choices: scream ISNT THERE ANYTHING BETTER! then run and go hug justin; go YES!; IDK; IDK
My process: Attention: If your daughter created this quiz and posted it to the internets, please get her professional help as soon as possible. She is spending way too much time alone inventing Justin Bieber death fantasies.
My choice: go YES! (I mean, c'mon, it's probably for the best. That being said, wouldn't Justin's family or Justin himself be more likely to make the final call on this one? Why would a doctor listen to the opinions of some strange 31-year-old man hovering over a 15-year-old boy whose leg just got shattered in a hit-and-run accident? Like I know anything.)
Question #4: YAY JUSTIN IS BETTER! what goes on (and he keeps his leg)
My choices: IDK; go DAMN!; be so happy for him; IDK
My process: Ridiculous.
My choice: be so happy for him
Question 5: u 2 make out and ur mom and his mom walk in on it what do u do
My choices: keep frenchin him; IDK; kissing we werent kissing; slap him
My process: There's really only one answer I can choose here and it's "IDK." I mean, I really don't know what I would do if my mother and Mrs. Bieber walked in on me and Justin Bieber locked in a loving embrace. What could I do? It'd be a really weird situation, I think. I don't know. I don't want to talk about this question anymore. I feel icky.
My choice: IDK
Results: wow u really care and love for him (damn what next u get pregnant with his kid or what?)
What the hell? How do my answers in any way reflect a desire to carry Justin Bieber's love child? I merely acted how any concerned citizen who has just witnessed a horrible pop star accident would act. Let's forget the fact that this unfortunate chain of events started with Justin and I breaking up and look at this sensibly: Bieber was hit by a car, I showed some damned concern, and he healed up nice. Let's not take things to an unseemly place, all right.
NEXT TIME: Something about Justin Bieber and I on roller-skates AND I nurse Justin back to health...AGAIN!