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Wednesday, February 13, 2013

GEP Best of...: When Duggars Roamed the Earth

Remember when the Duggar family was a thing?  What?!?  They still are?!?  Have any of my Doomsday prophecies from this 11/10/2008 post come true???  If so, how are you reading this?  Under your bed, hidden from the Thought Police, mutants bred by the Duggars to keep everyone in line and thinking happy thoughts?  If not, it's only a matter of time before the Duggars destroy us all.  You've been warned.  Twice now!

The greatest threat to the future of America is not the faltering economy, escalating acts of terrorism, or the AIDS virus--it's the Duggar family! I'm serious, my friends. We have got to prepare ourselves for the inevitability of an infestation of Duggar offspring across this great land, a plague of polite, smiling do-gooders bent on enslavement of the United States and her people. Don't believe me? Jim Bob Duggar, the patriarch of the Duggar brood, has already run for office once and what's stopping him from doing it again and again and again?

There are currently 18 Duggar children, the oldest of which has just gotten married. His wife may be pregnant as I write this. Who knows? What if he decides to impregnate his young bride again and again until he too has bred a small army of creepy, hymn-singing, science-fearing, home-schooled automatons? Who will marry next? Jinger? Jenna? Janice? Is there one even named Janice? The next generation of Duggars could be 324 children strong and in twenty years there's no telling what horrific fate lies in store for society.
One thing is for sure: someday a Duggar will be President of the United States. It's inevitable. And once the first Duggar president gets a taste of power, nothing will stop the next one from stepping forth and taking the reigns after four years, and on and on, until we find ourselves living under some kind of Duggarocracy. It's almost too horrifying to imagine.

And what policies will our Duggary overlords inact upon us? Here's just a glimpse into the horrible future that awaits us if the Duggars someday come to power:

1) Not only will prayer in school be reinstated, it will be enforced. Anyone caught not praying to the appropriate deity will face expulsion and possible prosecution.

2.) Evolution will no longer be taught in school as it will now be considered heresy. Creationism will be taught as fact and the Bible will be used as the standard Science textbook. In fact, the Bible will be your child's only textbook and class will be held around large kitchen tables.

3.) All married couples will be required to have as many children as the woman's uterus can handle. Menopause or death are the only valid excuses for not being pregnant at any given time.

4.) And don't even think about gay marriage. All couplings that cannot naturally produce offspring will be made illegal, and masturbation (which will now be considered abortion, which will also be made illegal) will carry a mandatory 30 year prison sentence.

And if you step out of line, you get a paintball in the face!
Meet your future president!
How can this hopeless future be avoided? Well, first, someone needs to get a rock'n'roll CD or a Marvel comic book into the hands of just one of the Duggars. If one can be convinced that secular material will not hurt you, turn you into a raging pervert or a godless heathen, then there is hope. Second, you can stop watching their TLC program 17 Kids in Counting

Yes, it's cute and funny to see a family with 17 kids go about their daily lives (look at how much Cookie Crisp they go through! OMG--have you ever seen so many sippy cups?), but they are spreading a dangerous message, a message of rampant pregnancy and mind-numbing family togetherness. If you're a mature individual with a grip on reality, go ahead and keep watching, but realize there is a whole audience of yahoos out there who eat this shit up, cling to it.

But I'm afraid it will all be for naught because the Dugger revolution is coming. They seem like nice enough people, I guess, so maybe it won't be all bad. In the spirit of accepting the Duggars for who they are (and what they will become), GEP would like to offer the following list of name suggestions for any Duggars that come falling out of Ma Duggar's vagina in the near future:

Jasper, Jim-Jam, Jaunt (may already be taken by the Palins), Jingles, Jaslene, Jigsaw, Jeorge, Jump, Juniper Lee, Jibbers, Jose, Jokey, Jasmine, Jerk Chicken, Jersey, Jalopy, Jackanape, Jackson Rod Stewart, J J, Jables, Jinx, Jiraffe, J-Dawg, Juke, Journal, Juice-box.

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