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Saturday, February 23, 2013

GEP @ The Oscars: 2012 Film Superlatives

Tomorrow night, when you're outside walking your dog or doing some night gardening or burying a body, you may find the skies a bit darker than usual (DARK SKIES! IN THEATERS NOW!).  That's because all the stars will be in Hollywood at the 85th Annual Academy Awards accepting trophies and/or losing graciously, all while the creator of Family Guy, I don't know, sings big band-era movie parody songs in a British toddler voice probably.

I love the Oscars.  The dizzying highs!  The Franco-esque lows!  The middling middles!  The glitz!  The glamor!  The limos!  The limo drivers!  The limo driver's crossword puzzle books that the limo drivers work on while waiting for the Academy Awards to be over!  The parties!  The fashions!  The unexplainable appearance of Gary Busey on the red carpet!  Seacrest!!!

When Oscar time rolls around, GEP pulls out all the stops, as long as one understands that "all the stops" in this case involve three very special movie-related posts:  our 2012 Film Superlatives list (which you are mere seconds away from reading); our hotly-anticipated Fashion Report; and perhaps the most exciting, my personal Top 10 Films of 2012 list.  

So put on your tuxedos and your gowns and your baubles, because we've got Oscar fever and we want a kiss!

Grossest Moment: Shrim.  (Tim and Eric's Billion Dollar Movie)

Grossest Moment (Runner-Up): Bradley Whitford dies at the hands (and mouth) of his beloved Merman. (The Cabin in the Woods)

Boldest Statement: "The Art of Rap is Ice-T's first movie!"  (Spoken by rapper/actor/big butt enthusiast, Ice-T, at the beginning of his directorial debut, Something From Nothing: The Art of Rap.)  That's a pretty bold statement considering the Art of Rap is fairly unfocused and has grown tedious by the midway point.  But who am I to say Ice-T won't get another shot at making movies?  You're right, I'm nobody.

Most Lynchian Scene Not in a David Lynch Movie: The Siegel's Filipino nanny puts on a Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer costume and dances and sings to herself in the bathroom mirror. (The Queen of Versailles)

Movie Line My Wife and I Have Incorporated Into Our Day-to-Day Parenting: "Lie to me, and I hurt you." (Zero Dark Thirty) (Note: We only say it because it makes us laugh.  We're not going to hurt anybody.  Promise.)

Most Blatant Disregard for Human Life: Kim (Maggie Grace) in Taken 2: If you've seen Taken 2, first of all, I'm sorry.  Secondly, you know that Kim is Liam Neeson's daughter and that, I guess, she was the one who was "taken" in Taken 1 (AKA Taken).  She is not (SPOILER ALERT) taken in the franchise's second installment; instead she assists in the un-takening (?) of her mother and father.  In an effort to locate her parents, Neeson has her toss live grenades all over Istanbul.  He instructs her to throw the first one someplace unoccupied by human beings.  She complies.  Then, suddenly, she's running all over the rooftops of Istanbul hurling grenades hither and yon.  It's ridiculous!

Coldest Diss: "I hope you die.  And when you die, I'll go to your grave and eat birthday cake all by myself!"  (Hushpuppy, Beasts of the Southern Wild)

Best Villain: "Officer Daniels" (Pat Healy) in Compliance:  I know, I know.  Technically, Matthew Fox's character in Alex Cross was the best villain of 2012, but I haven't seen Alex Cross (YET!), so I feel icky about bestowing this honor upon him sight unseen.  So, I've chosen "Officer Daniels" from Compliance, who not only makes the most disturbing crank call ever, but does so while making himself a sandwich, taking out the garbage, and chatting with his daughter about her school day.

Why It Isn't Bane (Contains Spoilers!!!): Look, Bane is undeniably creepy, with the mask and the weird voice and the casual murdering and all, but in the end he is revealed to be nothing more than Talia al Ghul's lap dog, which, for me anyway, kind of diminishes his overall scariness.  And Talia al Ghul can't be the Best Villain because, duh, she's a girl.  (J/K LOLZ!!!)

My Favorite Scenes of 2012:

*Escape from Goblin Mountain. (The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey)

*Jeff (Jake Johnson) goes drunk go-karting after things don't work out between himself and his high school crush. (Safety Not Guaranteed)

*Carey Gibson's final words on Frederic Bourdin. (The Imposter

Favorite Movie I Didn't See of the Year (Pretentious): The Master

Favorite Movie I Didn't See of the Year (Non-Pretentious): Wreck-It Ralph



Gabe Sealey-Morris said...

Wow. I so regret falling asleep during "Queen of Versailles" if that really happened.

Matt said...

Of course it happened! That's a picture of it actually happening!