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Saturday, February 9, 2013

Whoa, Idiots! Slow down!

When word got out that Giant Electric Penguin was going to crown one, single King Idiot for 2013, instead of compiling a lengthy list of dum-dums, idiots everywhere cranked their game (i.e. stupidity) into high gear.  In fact, since introducing readers to our first candidate a mere three days ago, there has been such a plethora of idiocy, that I can barely keep up.  I think what we're going to have to do is compile a list of monthly idiots and then choose one representative at the end of that month.  That's the only way this is going to work, imbeciles.  I hope that works for you, provided you are able to read and comprehend this opening paragraph.

And, yes, readers, I know there was a lot more stupidity on display this week than the two stories I've chosen, but I can't let the idiot fringe take control of GEP.  We must stay true to our guiding principle: whatever Matt wants to write about, Matt writes about.  

Anyway, here are the latest candidates for Stupidest Idiot of 2013.

Idiot: 52-year-old Walter Slonopos of Clarksville, TN.

What he did: Quit his job after receiving a W-2 with the number 666 stamped on it.

You remember the Number of the Beast, don't you?  That three digit number you'll be required to have burned onto your forehead after Jesus takes all the Christians up to Heaven and leaves the rest of us slobs on an Earth run by the Devil?  I think you need to accept the Mark in order to buy groceries and rent movies after the Rapture.  I saw a movie about it in youth group once.  It was terrible.

Look, I'm not here to badmouth your religion--not today anyway--but I am here to say this:  Must be nice, Walter, being able to quit your job over something so petty.  You must be some kind of self-made millionaire or something.

You know what?  That's not fair.  Maybe Slonopos has been saving his money for just such a moment. It's not like this is the first time he's been plagued by 666.  When he first started with the company, he was issued the number as his official worker number.  It appeared on his time sheet and everything.  He quit, but the company apologized and invited him back.  And now this W-2.  He's probably being scrimping and saving just in case.  Although, the kind of guy who would quit his job because of a random number being stamped on his W-2 form is the same kind of guy who stockpiles weapons and has an End Times bunker built in his basement.

Six-hundred and sixty-six is a number.  In counting, when an individual or a computer that prints out W-2 forms reaches six-hundred and sixty-five, it is quite natural for said individual or W-2-printing computer to move onto the next number in the sequence (666) and the numbers that follow (667, 668, 669, 670, 671, etc.).

Idiot: Yahoo commenters

What they did: The usual hateful, racist, ignorant stuff.

A fraternity on the campus of Duke University recently threw a party that was, well, a little bit racist.  I don't care to discuss it much here (you can read the article for yourself), but the people who hosted the party are idiots and those in attendance, pictured above, are idiots too.  And one of them is almost completely naked too, which is weird.

Asian students on Duke's campus were justifiably pissed off, so they held a rally.  The Yahoo commenting community held a rally of their own.  A hate rally.  Here are some of my "favorite" comments:

"Guess we should ban St. Patty's now."  (I guess so...wait, WHUUUUUT?!?)

"I have to agree with most on here, what's offensive about this? I've been to many a "mexican" themed partys where the same mustache, poncho, and hats were used and they are a riot. They were not being offensive, just college kids. The world is full of enough serious problems, laugh a little." ("...but only at Asians")

"If you are outraged, then you're part of the problem. Grats to the frat for having the courage to be politically incorrect." (It takes a whole lot of courage to be drunken idiots.)

"Please. If people are not allowed to do this then America has become a totalitarian intolerant thought police society. Get over it." (This one is my "super favorite") 

"Cant wait for the "Whites Only" days to come back. we truly are the Superior Race. Our biggest downfall are Liberals." 

That last one got the following response: 

"Black and latino conservatives rock, no need for "whites only". Liberals should be shot on sight though" 

Well done, everyone. You should all be very proud of yourselves.

1 comment:

Gabe Sealey-Morris said...

My favorite is the first one, which translates to "I did something racist and nobody got mad."