Let me start this post off by saying that I like sex. I like having it, I like daydreaming about it, and I like watching 5 to 10 minute clips of other people having it on my computer sometimes. I'm not a prude, nor am I a guilt-ridden husk who equates sexuality with immorality. Then again, I'm married, so the sex I'm having is approved of by most major world religions. Look, I'm just trying to tell all of you that I'm a huge fan of sex and I aim to be until they burn my body and scatter the ashes around Walt Disney World in Orlando, Florida.
That being said, what the hell, Usher and Flo Rida? I've got to turn my radio on now and listen to you croon about cunnilingus and fellatio and all manner of sex acts still considered illegal in most State law books? I've got a child in the car! Have you no shame?
I don't know why pop songs about sex turn my stomach, but they do. It probably has something to do with, what I call, the "cutesy cover-up." Usher doesn't do it in "Scream," his ode to his own sexual prowess, but Flo Rida sure does it in "Whistle." You see, "Whistle" is about blow jobs, but Flo Rida (unsuccessfully) masks this fact by pretending that he's encouraging a woman to use a whistle, because who doesn't love a good, old-fashioned pea whistle? Oh, that's right, everyone but gym teachers. I'm sure there's also a rape whistle joke here, but that's not the kind of thing we do here at GEP.
Again, like Christina Aguilera's "Body," I don't dislike this song, but still. I'm not one of those guys who freaks out or feigns nausea when a friend brings up the sex he had with his significant other or random internet hook-up the other night, but I'm not exactly dying to know what goes on in my friends' bedrooms. I'm also not calling Usher a friend, although, seriously, if we ever hung out, I'd make sure Usher had an awesome time. We'd probably start with some all-you-care-to-eat sushi, maybe do some bowling, and finish the night up with some Netflix instant-viewing. It'd be magical. Still, I wouldn't want to hear about his various conquests or. like, the gory details of how he likes to go down on a chick or his preferences in the realm of "butt play." I just don't need to know about it, Usher. C'mon, man! Can we just watch my Child's Play: Killer Collection DVDs in peace?
"Girl, tonight you're the prey, I'm the hunter/Take you here, take you there, take you under": More violent imagery to describe sex (see last time's "In the Dark" by Dev). When I think "prey," I think nervous antelopes on the Serengeti; and when I think "hunter," I think hungry lions. Then I think about chasing and chomping and blood and, later, hyenas and all the laughing. Oh, the horrid laughing. It doesn't make me hard. It gives me a panic attack.
Also, "take you under?" What does that mean? Did Usher mean "put you under," and is he talking about roofies? No, Usher, no!
"Imagine me whispering in your ear that I wanna take off all your clothes and put something on ya": There's nothing less sexy than the phrase "put something on you." Or maybe I'm wrong. Maybe if Usher is putting something (his body, I guess) on someone, it's sorta hot, like, I'm sure he's toned or whatever. Maybe it's just kind of unappealing when it's a hairy, flabby something being put on you. You'd have to ask my wife, I guess.
"Whistle" (Flo Rida)
Just so we're all on the same page, I think Flo Rida is awful. Like, all of his songs are terrible. OK. Moving on.
The whole thing's gross! Get off my radio, Flo Rida, and take all your crummy songs with ya!