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Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Splash (Season 1, Episode 1)

Splash (AKA The Reality Show On Which Rotund Comedian Louie Anderson Dives Into A Pool) is finally here!  From the moment I heard that Louie Anderson (Stand up comedy; Life With Louie; slipping and falling at a Chinese buffet in Las Vegas) was going to appear on a reality diving show, I was in.  People who know me know that I have a fascination with Mr. Anderson, due mostly to his legendary book-on-tape performance of Dear Dad, an epistolary memoir about growing up with an alcoholic father.  I'm also the proud owner of a limited edition $5 poker chip featuring the smiling visage and red suited body of a young Louie, which I keep securely in my bedside table.  I also like the idea of a morbidly obese man falling into a pool.

That's what I thought I'd get tonight, but I was wrong.  In fact, Louie Anderson impressed me.  There was nothing to make fun of here, aside from Louie dedicating his dive to "the troops."  Louie performed the only legitimate dive of the night, and for this he was richly rewarded, earning a spot on next week's installment.

Correct me if I'm wrong, diving fans, but doesn't a true dive require one to enter a pool head first?  I don't remember seeing a lot of Olympic athletes jumping feet first into the water and leaving London with a neck full of gold last summer.  I mean, I can jump into a pool feet first.  Who gives a shit?  Who wants to watch a show where a bunch of celebrities jump into a pool in the style of my 1-year-old daughter?  

If a dive does, in fact, require head first entry into a body of water, than Louie Anderson is the only person who succeeded tonight.  Basketball great and frighteningly tall person, Kareem Abdul-Jabber, came second closest with his awkward belly flop/face plant combination.  Keshia Knight Pulliam (TV's Rudy Huxtable), Katherine Webb (of Brent Musburger lust fame), and Rory Bushfield (an extreme skier whose hands appear to be permanently twisted into the "Hang Loose" position) leapt from great heights, but that's about it.

In the end, there was an old fashion "dive off" (Remember those, guys?) between Pulliam and Webb, with Webb getting to stay, as she does not make home viewers intensely uncomfortable (Pulliam was Rudy, you guys, and now she's got, like, boobs.  It's very disconcerting.).

I may have forgotten to mention this up top, but Splash is terrible.  The judges are garbage ("Let's make the judge with the foreign accent an asshole, guys."  "Oh, can we give him unfunny one-liners to say?"  "Only of course!"); the hosts, one of which is TV's Joey Lawrence, who never said or even came close to saying "whoa" once, are the worst; and the idea that the American viewing public has any desire to watch D-level celebrities (and Kareem Abdul-Jabber) jump into a pool is misguided at best.  None of that matters however, because from now until it's over, Splash will be covered on the pages of Giant Electric Penguin for you, dear readers.  You're welcome.

Hey, Didja Know?: Apparently, Grey's Anatomy is still on.  Go figure.

Quote of the Night: "Doggy-style!  Doggy-style"  --Chuy Bravo, while swimming around in a pool wearing arm floaties (I think he meant "doggy paddle."  Aw.)

Wife Quote of the Night: After Louie dedicated his dive to the men and women of the armed forces: "The troops don't give a shit."

Just Wondering: Everybody on the show kept commending Louie on his commitment to a "new, healthier lifestyle," but I never once heard Louie confirm that this was his reason for appearing on Splash.

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