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Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Splash (Season 1, Episode 2)


So, Splash didn't get any better this week, but it did open with a robot-themed production number.  It wasn't a particularly good robot-themed production number considering it was simply an endless line of silver spray-painted divers toppling lemming-style off of diving platforms of varying heights.  I guess it was as good as a robot-themed diving production number could be, but, you know, whatever.

Here's what happened tonight:

1. So, Chuy Bravo is out.  He fractured his heel, but not while attempting a difficult dive during practice or helping pull a waterlogged Louie Anderson out of the deep end after a belly flop.  No, Chuy broke his heel jumping from one table to another in the Dive Lounge (AKA the seating area in which the celebrities are asked to relax in before and after their dives).  Did you get that?  Chuy Bravo, by all appearances, aside from his small stature, a grown adult man, was jumping from one table to another like an unsupervised toddler in an IKEA.  

Why is Chuy running around on top of a table?  Granted, the Dive Lounge's tables are small and designed in the coffee-style, but still.  When my 1-year-old daughter puts her feet on the kitchen table during dinner, she gets a stern talking to.  What happens if she sees TV's Chuy Bravo leaping from table-to-table with reckless abandon like some kind of tubby Christmas elf?  Is she going to start thinking that it's perfectly acceptable to run around on tabletops all day and all night?  Bravo needs to realize that children all over America look up, and some down, to him.  His table leaping ways make him an unacceptable role model.  For shame, Chuy.

Chuy did promise to return for the second season however.  That's cute.  He thinks there's going to be a second season.

2. I don't think I mentioned this last week, but me and my wife were wondering what the winner of this ridiculous competition gets.  Is a predetermined sum of money awarded to the charity of said winning celebrity's choice?  Does the winner automatically get a spot on the Olympic diving team?  

Host Joey Lawrence mentioned something about a "crown" on tonight's broadcast, but I have not yet determined if he was speaking of a metaphorical crown or if the winner is awarded some kind of physical crown;  a golden crown maybe, festooned with shimmering jewels.  Stay tuned.

3. What's the matter with Joey Lawrence's hair?  Reminds me of Allen, Barbie's beau when she and Ken are on a break, by which I mean orange and plastic.

4. I could watch Nicole Eggert's fall from the 16-foot platform all night.  It's as close to a highlight as Splash has ever come.

5. Hold on!  Chuy Bravo's replacement celebrity is Brandi Chastain?  Chuy and Louie (Now there's a sitcom idea!) were the two main reasons I agreed to watch/write about/suffer through this ridiculous program.  Louie because fat guy fall down make ha ha; and Chuy because, well, he's small, and it would've been funny to watch a small guy jump from great heights into water.  And now we've got a legit athlete taking his place, a legit athlete who performed the closest thing to a dive Splash has had so far.  What, was Danny Devito unavailable?  What's Mickey Rooney up to?  Being 92-years-old, you say?  That's no excuse!  Get on that diving platform, Rooney!  DO IT, OLD, SHORT MAN!!!

Just Wonderin': Is Splash the most racist reality competition show ever?  This week Ndamukong Suh gets eliminated, and last week it was Keshia Knight Pulliam.  Hmmm?  I'm not saying anything, but watch your back, Kareem.

Wife Quote of the Night: During Nicole Eggert's introduction: "Is Pamela Anderson dead?"  

(My wife wanted everyone reading this to know that she was legitimately concerned about Pamela Anderson's current state of mortality.  She also wanted me to let everyone know that she was thinking about Anna Nicole Smith when she asked the above question.  I informed her that Ms. Smith is very much dead.)


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