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Tuesday, April 2, 2013

Splash (Season 1, Episode 3)

"One thing I don't do is quit."

And with that, Kendra Wilkinson quit Splash.

Guess what, everybody?  Splash has made it to three episodes!  I'm as shocked and saddened as you are.  Probably more!  But as long as Louie Anderson is on TV diving into a pool, you better believe I'll be there.

In my opinion, Louie's lucky Kendra broke her one important life rule and left the pool tonight, because there was no way he and Kareem weren't going to be at the bottom and there was no way he was going to beat Kareem in a dive off.  So, while I'll miss Kendra's whining, sobbing, irrational hatred for Greg Lougainis and poop announcements, I'm happy Louie gets to stick around for another week.  After all, next week is Flip Week.  Flip Week, people!

I don't have much to say about tonight's team diving competition.  Drake Bell and Katherine Webb performed a dive called The Javelin that was legitimately nerve-wracking, but everything else was pretty vanilla and boring.  That is until judge David Boudia and Greg Louganis revealed they were wearing tear-away clothing!  Man, oh, man, did things in the Splash arena heat up after that.  Things got so hot, I thought Joey Lawrence's plastic hair was going to melt all over his dumb, vacant face.

Here's a very quick rundown of what happened tonight:

1. Louie wore yet another swimming outfit from the Guy Fieri Diving Collection.  Hey, if this ridiculous show gets a second season, can we get Guy Fieri to throw himself off of a diving platform for our amusement?  

2. They replayed Nicole Eggert's tumble from last week 2 TIMES tonight!  Can we keep that up for as long as possible, please???

3. Watching Greg Louganis fake his way through an answer to Joey Lawrence's stupid "why'd you team these particular people up with one another?" question was the highlight of tonight's broadcast for me.  Maybe write things for these dummies to say.

4.  Joey Lawrence loves jokes about European women's facial hair!

5.  Hey, look, Lawrence's Melissa & Joey co-star, Melissa Joan Hart, is in the audience tonight!  Who gives a shit?

6.  These tailor-made theme songs have got to stop.  Team Mom's theme song was neverending!

Quote of the Night: "Ride 'em, cowboy!  Woo!"  --Joey Lawrence, apropos of nothing

Wife Quote of the Night: On David Boudia's Speedo: "Could they have given Drake Bell a smaller Speedo?  That is obscene!" 

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