Tuesday, April 16, 2013
I think we can all agree that this has been a pretty fucked up week so far. Needless to say, I was not in the mood, or more accurately, I was even more not in the mood than usual, to watch tonight's installment of Splash. But in the spirit of moving forward and refusing to let the terrorists win, I tuned in. And wouldn't you know it, Louie Anderson was back, clad in an ill-fitting stars-n-stripes bathing costume. Surely at the time of this episode's taping, no one was aware of just how instrumental Louie's patriotic garb would be in the healing a weary nation. Or maybe it just cheered me up a little. Either way, God bless America.
Louie's return was made possible by the departure of Katherine Webb, who injured herself during last week's dive. And, boy oh boy, did Louie pick one humdinger of an episode to return to. Tonight's challenge (theme? goal? whosit?) was to dive from the 10 meter platform...THE HIGHEST PLATFORM IN ALL OF EXISTENCE!!! (Not really, probably,) That's three stories at 35 miles per hour, Jack! And since Louie had been on stand-by, he was jumping in without the benefit of any practice whatsoever, which seems odd, since Webb explained that she had been experiencing shooting pains through her spine and legs all week. The producers couldn't have let Louie get some dive time in just in case?
But Louie didn't need any practice. Hell no! Louie dove right into that pool, all 399 pounds of him. It was pretty impressive, really. I know I couldn't do it. And so what if he looked like a lumpy bag of garbage falling into a pool. He looked like a patriotic bag of garbage and, in the end, that's all that really mattered.
Here's what else happened:
1. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, who told the producers of Splash before even signing on that he would not on any condition be jumping from the 10 meter platform, dove from the 10 meter platform and got hurt. He was fine after a commercial break, but for a minute there, it was touch and go, or it would've been if you were someone who has never once watched any kind of reality competition show. We call this "manufactured drama," and it's something that has been perfected and drastically overused since the very genesis of reality TV. It's bullshit, but at least Kareem was all right.
2. Rory Bushfield talking about his dead wife sure brought the room down. It was also the first genuine moment in this ridiculous show's history. Rory's dive would've made his wife proud.
3. Why is Steve Foley always compelled to announce Louie's weight in every damn episode? We get it, man, Louie's fat. Move on.
Wife Quote of the Night: Walking up momentarily: "What's Louie doing there? Is this a nightmare? Zzz-zzz-zzz."