I'm having three wisdom teeth removed Friday morning, but I'm fairly certain the pain from hearing the following three songs is way more painful. At least I have oxycodone waiting for me on the other side of having a trio of unnecessary teeth ripped out of my skull. The only thing I can imagine that could successfully remove the nightmarish memories of these songs from the hallowed halls of my brain would be a good old fashion trepanning followed by an acid drip. Or maybe a pair of stainless steel knitting needles applied deep and repeatedly to the eardrums.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that these songs are garbage. Not only that, but their existence makes me angry. It's ultimately an irrational anger, but it is a real anger, a pure anger, an anger worthy of those history books dedicated wholly to the history of angry moments (Those exist, right?). I give you, ladies and gentleman, 100 Songs I Hate.
41. "My Songs Know What You Did In The Dark (Light Em Up)" (Fall Out Boy)
Hey, dudes, didja hear? Fall Out Boy is back. And this is the song they're back with.
Wait. This is the song they're back with?!?
I never cared much for Fall Out Boy. Maybe it's because they took their name from my beloved Simpsons. Maybe it's because I saw them perform "Sugar We're Going Down" live on Mtv and it was maddeningly pedestrian ("This is what kids like now?" I remember asking myself aloud.). Maybe it's because they give their songs titles like "Our Lawyer Made Us Change the Name of This Song So We Wouldn't Get Sued," "Champagne for My Real Friends, Real Pain for My Sham Friends," "I'm Like a Lawyer with the Way I'm Always Trying to Get You Off (Me & You)," and ""The (After) Life of the Party." Or maybe it's just because their music is completely terribly. It's probably a combination of these things. But, if you enjoy Fall Out Boy, if Fall Out Boy makes you tap your toes and snap your fingers, go for it.
Hey, early 2000's emo kids, is this really the Fall Out Boy whose triumphant return you've been waiting for? It can't be.
"My Songs Blah Blah Whatever Fart Noise" kind of sounds like a song that was supposed to be on a Twilight movie soundtrack, but wasn't finished in time.
A word on the video: Flame throwers are awesome no matter what musical artist's video they're featured in. Good on ya, flame thrower at the 2:30 mark.
42. "Carry On" (fun.)
Last year sometime, I tweeted a simple question: "Should I be into this band fun.?" I honestly couldn't figure it out, so I took it to Twitter. I knew I was pretty sick of "We Are Young," a song I thought was OK until it moved from my favorite commercial for jeans to every station on the radio, no matter the format. I considered the possibility that "Some Nights" was "something special," in that it seemed like the most unlikely song to become a pop radio hit, but, wouldn't you know, there it was, every few hours nestled between Rihanna and the Swedish House Mafia. Then I heard "Carry On." Question answered.
This sappy, melodramatic bullshit... Shut up, Nate Ruess! And get some pants that fit. Didn't you get any free jeans from that jeans commercial?
Oh, the answer to my question was no. No, I should not be into fun.. Because they're terrible. And because that dumb period makes this paragraph look awkward. Damn you, fun.! I don't even know how to write this sentence.
43. "Cruise (Remix)" (Georgia Florida Line featuring Nelly)
The internet was abuzz a few months ago about the LL Cool J/Brad Paisley team-up "The Accidental Racist" and how it was dumb and not good and probably a little racist. In true GEP-style, I largely ignored "The Accidental Racist" phenomenon and wrote something about the television show Splash, probably. I still haven't heard "The Accidental Racist," but I'm sure it's hilarious and worthy of society's continued ridicule. However, "The Accidental Racist" has been discussed to death, so I'm highlighting a different country/hip hop mash-em-up: Florida Georgia Line's remix of their song "Cruise," featuring timeless hip hop maestro, Nelly.
"Hey, I know a way we can get the hip kids to give us a chance," Florida Georgia Line lead singer Tex "Mex" Bootspur said to co-lead singer Jessup P. Julep the Third. "We'll get popular and totally relevant rap star Nelly to join us on a track."
"Great idea, Tex Mex! Now pass me that thar moonshine! A ding-dang-doodle-doo!" Oh, Jessup. Won't you never learn that moonshine'll make you go blind?
Look, hip hop and country go together like peanut butter and a kid who is deathly allergic to peanuts and just had a bucket of them dumped over his head Carrie-style. It doesn't work. Or it hasn't worked. Yet. Maybe that's my purpose in life, you guys. Maybe I'm supposed to bring the worlds of rap and country together. Maybe I get my wisdom teeth removed and it unlocks some secret corner of my brain that has been laying dormant and suddenly I'm producing killer hip hop-country tracks. This is exciting. I'll let you know what happens.