Tuesday, May 7, 2013
By now, you've probably noticed that this is the third Tuesday in a row without a Splash write-up. Well, I've been doing some thinking.
First, I thought about how much I fucking hate the television program Splash. I mean, yeah, it'd be fun to pick a show, watch the whole season/series, and document my journey on Giant Electric Penguin, but, so far, I've had pretty shit luck. Remember when I tried to watch the original Melrose Place from start to finish? That was a total disaster. Turns out, Melrose Place is one of the worst things ever. It's not even bad-funny, or, rather, it is bad-funny some of the time, but not nearly enough of the time to have kept me interested and/or motivated. It was often a Herculean task to extract anything humorous from an episode, and in the end, it defeated me, but not in a way that made me feel like a failure, because, honestly, who gives a shit? Like Melrose Place, Splash had very little raw material to build from. It shocks me too, dudes. I mean, a TV show that has Louie Anderson diving into a swimming pool dressed in a variety of embarrassing outfits and dedicating each sad, poorly-executed leap to the men and women of the United States military week after week should be non-stop awesome, right? It wasn't and isn't. It's time-wasting garbage for shut-ins, human vegetables, and snarky online bloggers with way more intestinal fortitude than me. What I'm trying to say is, don't bother stopping by GEP for Splash recaps anymore because there ain't gonna be none.
Secondly, I thought, "Why am I doing this to my wife?" In fairness, I didn't force her to provide the Wife Quotes of the Night (by far my favorite part of the Splash posts) we've all come to love, but still. To make said quotes she had to watch said show, and there's no reason I should have subjected that sweet, sweet woman to such pure awfulness. I'm sorry, honey. I didn't mean to become history's greatest monster, it just happened without me noticing, somewhere between Kareem Abdul-Jabbar knocking the wind out of himself and Nicole Eggert falling from the high dive like a sack of wet potatoes. I will never make you watch something that insipid ever again. Not on purpose anyway.
Thirdly, I thought about all the good I could be doing for the world between the hours of 8:00 PM and 9:00 PM every Tuesday night. That's a solid hour I was wasting watching Joey Lawrence not say "whoa" (Really, Joey? You couldn't say it once? You're too good for 'whoa' now?). Instead of watching Splash each Tuesday, I could be delivering fresh veggies from my garden to the neighbors I've met; building the sandbox I told my wife I'd have finished by my daughter's second birthday; reading that Superman graphic novel my neighbor lent to me four or five months ago; posting entries for GEP's super popular and not-at-all creepy Perving Out feature (I've been pervin' out to so much stuff recently!!!); putting the finishing touches (i.e. starting) on that novel I've been working (i.e. not working) on; learning how to change my own oil; reading the Steve Jobs book my dad let me borrow four or five months ago; submitting a catchphrase to Comedy Bang Bang; getting to know my cat on a deeper level; learning how to dive; compiling a list of funny names for dogs. The possibilities are limited only by my imagination. And the laws of science. And those of magic.
So, no more Splash. Not now. Not ever. I think next Tuesday around this time, I'll post a review of Louie Anderson's latest stand-up special, but that'll be as close to Splash as I ever get again. Oh, and I have chosen a new show to watch in it's entirety, but I'll be revealing that in the next couple weeks, so the less said about it now, the better.
Anyway, that's it. Good-bye, Splash. And good riddance.