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Monday, May 27, 2013

Last 3 Movies: Supersized Edition!!!

Since my last Last 3 Movies feature, I've watched 12 movies.  Let's take a quick look back at them, shall we?  If you recognize any pattern to my viewing habits, let me know.  I think this list of movies accurately showcases my love and respect for the art of cinema in all of its varied forms, but with a weird emphasis on man-eating blob films for some reason.

Film: The Comedy (2012)

Why did I watch this?: Was on my list of films to see last year; was one of many on said list that I, sadly, didn't get to see last year.

The viewing experience:  Not as dire as some online reviewers would have you think.  I didn't think it was as hateful as a lot of other people apparently did.  I didn't even get the impression that it was supposed to be hateful.  Or a comedy, for that matter.  The main character's behavior is, at times, deplorable, but his oddness seems to come from a place of sadness and boredom rather than a general hatred of the human race.  I thought The Comedy was fascinating and sad.  Pointless too, but not to its detriment.

Would it have made my Best of 2012: Honorable Mention, but not the official best-of list.  Too slight.

Film: The Dark Knight Returns: Parts 1 and 2 (2013)

Why did I watch this: Recommended by my brother-in-law; I'm a fan of the source material.

The viewing experience:  There are very few things more awesome than watching Batman and Superman whale on each other.  And Michael Emerson as The Joker is pretty damn genius when you think about it.  
Film: The Evil Dead (1981)

Why did I watch this?: Couldn't get out to see the new reboot/remake/whatever-the-hell, saw this was on Netflix Instant, hadn't seen it in years, so, watched it.

The viewing experience: It's The Evil Dead, dudes.  It's great.  It's no Evil Dead II, but it's great.

Film: Oblivion (2013)

Why did I see this?  First official Father/Son Movie Night of 2013.

The viewing experience:  Tom Cruise is stuck on a mostly-decimated planet Earth with two super hot chicks.  There's other stuff too.

I enjoyed Oblivion a lot more than I thought I would, however, I wouldn't suggest thinking about it too hard after it's over.  It gets exponentially less interesting the more you contemplate every little detail.  Had a couple of all right twists I saw coming and one that I didn't, which is nice in this twist-happy cinematic age we live in currently, so, you know, whatever.

Next Father/Song Movie Night: I've been told I'm seeing Star Trek Into Darkness this week and that I will be seeing it in 3D.  There will also be pizza from Brixx.  I'm cautiously optimistic.

Film: Charlotte's Web (1973)

Why did I watch this?: Father/Daughter Movie Night

The viewing experience: Bittersweet.  Charlotte's Web starts harsh, turns into a bummer and ends largely on a downer.  Plus, the animation is terrible and the songs fade from memory almost the moment they end (Except this song.  This song is awesome!).

My daughter, who turns two-years-old next month, was traumatized by Charlotte's Web in a way I found both heartbreaking and adorable.  After Fern saves Wilbur from being axed to death for being a runt (???) and raisws him to be a fine, upstanding citizen of the barnyard, Fern's dad sells Wilbur to his brother-in-law up the road, thus separating Wilbur from the only friend he's ever known.

As Wilbur is driven off in the back of Zuckerman's truck, I heard a quiet sniffle to my left.  I turned to see my daughter, eyes sparkling with tears, her arms raised, palms turned upwards.  "Where go?" she pleaded.  "Where go?"  Her head then collapsed onto my chest and she melted into full on sobs.  I started tearing up myself.

"Fern and Wilbur are still friends, Q.  Don't worry.  Fern will come and visit Wilbur."  She just sniffed and sullenly sucked her thumb.  Poor baby.  Stupid movie.
Movie: Re-Animator (1985)

Why did I watch this?: Had only seen it once, years ago, and wanted to see it again.  Oh, and it just happens to be totally awesome.

The viewing experience: It's Re-Animator, dudes.  The viewing experience was sweet.

Family movie night: I offer Re-Animator as a choice to my wife and daughter every family movie night, but they have, so far, not chosen it.  I think they'll come around.

Film: Screwballs (1983)

Why did I watch this?: Mentioned on several episodes of The Flop House podcast.

The viewing experience: Five high school perverts compete to be the first to see goody-two shoes valedictorian Purity Busch's sweet, sweet boobs.  Hilarity and boobs ensue.

IMDB Keywords: "bra removing," "woman losing her top," "topless female nudity," "female removes her dress," "female removes her clothes," "yanked off bikini top," "sausage."

(Screwballs will actually be featured for GEP's next Movie Penguin Monday feature, so we'll get into all the sordid details on this one later.)
Film: Creepshow 2 (1987)

Why did I watch this?: I hate the first Creepshow, so what was keeping me from hating its sequel?

The viewing experience:  Creepshow 2 is an horror anthology film, featuring three stories from the Stephen King oeuvre:

"Old Chief Wooden Head" tells the story of a cigar store Indian who comes to life just in time to not save the old couple who have kept him freshly-painted and splinter-free for countless years from being murdered by three local toughs, one of which plans to use the money he's stolen from a nearly-bankrupt  hardware store to start a new life in Hollywood, because that's how that happens.

"The Raft" is about four college coeds swimming out to a raft and quickly being picked off by a hungry blob of some kind.

"The Hitchhiker" makes no sense and is dumb.

Stay tuned: Creepshow 2 is the subject for the first ever Shallow Grave Podcast coming in October 2013.  Stay tuned for more information on that as the air gets cooler.
Film: Iron Man 3 (2013)

Why did I see this?: It's summer movie time, dudes.  Plus, I saw it with Jonathan.  It's kind of our tradition.

The viewing experience:  I liked it.  Didn't care for the precocious kid and the Christmas setting kind of weirded me out for reasons I still can't explain, but there were some solid funny moments, the Mandarin stuff was pretty clever and the full-on robit-vs-human-bomb-dudes battle at the end was a fun crazy time, although...

My biggest issue with Iron Man 3: Tony Stark spent all that time building different iterations of the Iron Man suit, each seemingly more awesome then the last, and in the end, just to make Pepper Potts happy, he blows them all to smithereens?  What?!?

2nd biggest issue: Why didn't he just call up the Avengers to help?  I guess I don't fully understand which super hero jobs are Avengers-appropriate and which are single-character and/or government issues.  Seems like if you've got a bunch of super heroes willing to work together to stop an alien invasion, you could use them to take down a cabal of self-exploding terrorists.  I don't know.  Maybe I'm just an idiot.
Film: The Little Mermaid (1989)

Why did I watch this?: This was a family movie night pick.  Plus, duh, it's a beautiful movie with totally awesome songs.

The viewing experience:  I had a such a crush on Ariel when I was a kid.  Still kind of do.  For me, the hotness chart goes as follows: Asians, redheads, girls who can sing, girls wearing shell bras.

Alternate Title: My daughter called this movie "DiDi" when she picked it out, since that is what she calls her cousin Dakota and Dakota has watched The Little Mermaid roughly 11-thousand times, I think.

This machine turns "regular girls" into "bee girls."  Or something

Film: Invasion of the Bee Girls (1973)

Why did I watch this?: I'll blame the drugs.

The viewing experience: One of the two films I've watched since my oral surgery.  I was flying pretty high on oxycodone when I fired up Invasion of the Bee Girls, so I was in and out.  But, as luck would have it, whenever I was in, a bee girl was naked.  I guess the heart wants what the heart wants and apparently what my heart wanted was oddly-shaped 70's boobs.  And no fancy life-numbing drugs was going to take them away from me.

If you like your conspiracies vague, your hunky secret agents geriatric and not-at-all hunky, your bare bee girl butts splotchy but not unappealing and your bee girl boobs conical, then Invasion of the Bee Girls might be for you.  And, hey, it's a 70's horror film, so there's an attempted rape in there too.  Oh, 70's horror movies and rape.  You truly are a match made in exploitation heaven.  Please stop.

Early 70's-speak: Sex is neither referred to as "making love," "having sex," "makin' whoopie," "screwing," "boning," "banging," "fucking," or "boinking" in Invasion of the Bee Girls.  Sex is referred to exclusively and repeatedly as "balling."  And this is a movie almost entirely about sex.  They saying "balling" A LOT.

Film: The Blob (1988)

Why did I watch this?: The real question is, why has it taken me so long to watch this?  1988's Blob remake is awesome, you guys.  Why didn't any of you tell me???

The viewing experience: The Blob is one of two movies I've watched since having my wisdom teeth out.  Several necessary breaks were taken over the course of the film, stretching the viewing process to almost two whole days.  I had to pause several times to eat (i.e. swallow python-style) food that very much resembled the titular space invader, though most assuredly tasted way better, as well as swallow handfuls of pills, one such pill being the sweet, sweet oxycodone my brain never knew it loved so much.  Plus, as a contributing member of the family unit, even while experiencing severe mouth pain (full disclosure: it hasn't been that bad), I took time out from my Blob watching to help out with chores around the house, give my daughter a bath, and watch a documentary about pizza with my wife.

But, eventually, I reached the end of The Blob and I'm happy to report that it is pretty great.  The story is just as as thin as the original's - however, there is an added twist that I kind of liked and a super weird ending that could've, if necessary, lead to a fairly sick and entertaining sequel - but the special effects were gory and cool.

A note on the review: Every time I've typed the film's title during this review, I've first typed "The Blog" and had to fix it.  Every single time.

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