Look, I hate summer. The weather, the molten-hot seat belts, the constant barrage of ice cream cone after ice cream cone, the backyard barbecues with friends and family, the blockbuster movies, the increased teenaged presence on the registers of my favorite stores. The whole season is hot and uncomfortable and terrible. If we lived in a society modeled after the hit motion picture The Purge (now playing), on the night of the Purge itself (for those of you who don’t know, the Purge is a 12-hour period in which all crime is legal, but especially murder, especially murder of the poor, and all emergency services are suspended), I would find Summer and blow its brains out. Summer is the worst.
So, here’s how I’m going to spend my summer: indoors, AC blasting, cool glass of lemonade in my sweat-free hand, in front of the television. And what program will I be indulging in this summer?
Well, that would be G.I. JOE, of course. You know, the real American hero who week after week successfully defeated the terrorist organization COBRA, despite not being able to hit the broadside of a barn with their government-issued laser blasters. I’m watching that.
I didn’t really watch G.I. JOE much when I was a kid. I think I would occasionally catch half an episode while waiting for the bus when I was in elementary school, but that was about it. I may have seen the animated movie at an Indian Guide camping retreat. I didn’t have any of the toys, though I adored them. My cousin, Joey, had tons of G.I. Joes, and every time we got together, he’d pull out his box of action figures and me, Joey, and our other cousin, Jonathan, would Joe it up. I typically chose my Joes and took them to another part of the room, mainly because, when I was a kid, I didn’t really approve of how other people played with action figures, with the exception of my friend Graham, with whom I would actually engage in co-action-figure play.
Side-note: Once Joey found that porno tape in our grandmother’s garage, our priorities changed. G.I. Joe just didn’t seem that important any more.
Porno has largely lost its mysterious allure, so I’m ready to plunge back into the world of special ops and terrorist plots that I’ve been lead to believe G.I. JOE provides in abundance. I invite you to check in throughout the summer as I plow my way through the entire original series. Maybe I’ll watch the recent live-action movies too if I have time and/or find some extra oxycodone pills from my wisdom teeth surgery recovery days lying around. We’ll see.
For now I think I should just shout the thing and move on. So, heregoes: GO JOE!
I could’ve done that better. Whatever. To the TV! Where’s my lemonade?!? Up yours, Summer!!!