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Friday, July 19, 2013

Summer of Joe: G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero (1983 Mini-Series)

Before we take a look at the third installment of 1983's G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero mini-series, I thought I should take a moment to describe a G.I. Joe-ment (patent pending) I forgot about from Episode 2, "Slaves of the Cobra Master," concerning Duke's daring escape from Cobra Mountain.  Duke absconds with a Cobra-brand hang glider, and under the cover of darkest night, leaps off of a cliff, three unidentified Cobra lackeys in hot pursuit.  Duke hang glides ALL NIGHT LONG, and THE NEXT MORNING, finds himself soaring over a forest seemingly miles from the Cobra temple.  Even though he has expertly hang glided ALL NIGHT LONG and IN PITCH BLACKNESS over a treacherous mountain range, Duke somehow, in the BRIGHT LIGHT OF DAY cannot avoid SLAMMING INTO A TREE.  Luckily, directly beneath said tree sits a Cobra-brand all-terrain tank, which Duke falls into, drives recklessly thorough the forest and into a lake, and summarily crashes.  Thrilling!  And stupid.


Title: "The Worms of Death"

Three sentence synopsis: All of the Joes who weren't irradiated and left for dead at the North Pole during the previous episode, head underwater to collect the second catalytic element needed to create their own matter transporter device.  The Joes are forced into a momentary team-up with Cobra when a bunch of horrifyingly giant, moaning tube worms launch a deadly attack.  Snake Eyes makes an animal friend.

G.I. Joe-ments: Remember the opening scene in "The Cobra Strikes," where Cobra blows up a whole mess of fighter jets for no discernable reason? Well, in this episode's "Previously on..." prologue, we are reminded of this moment in great detail, as if it will have a major impact on the following story.  I was intrigued, as I thought that opening scene served no purpose other than to introduce viewers to the fact that Cobra is made up of a buncha jerks.  Spoiler Alert: Yeah, that scene is still completely pointless.

*Speaking of pointless, what's up with that satellite G.I. Joe launches into space to take out Cobra's weapon of mass destruction?  They build it, launch it into space and watch it get blown to bits by Cobra in the span of, maybe, an hour.  This could have been time well spent obtaining the third catalytic element needed to create their M.A.S.S. device, but, no, G.I. Joe decided to dick around with rockets like a bunch of middle school science fair geeks.

*The 2nd catalytic element: heavy water.  What's that?  It's this, I guess.  Read about it if you want.  I assumed it wasn't real, but there it is on Wikipedia, boring and ready for you to read.  In this cartoon, heavy water can only be found in a small pool located in the deepest part of an unspecified ocean.  The pool is guarded by giant worms.  

*Those worms are the stuff of nightmares.  The less said about them the better.  

*Snake Eyes' escape from the arctic wasteland in which he was left for dead in Episode 2, makes Duke's escape look like an old-fashioned elementary school cakewalk.  First of all, he's still radioactive.  Since his insides are more than likely liquified and his body is probably covered in cancerous tumors, Major Bludd allows Snake Eyes to wander into the icy tundra, where he promptly falls off a cliff and is attacked by a polar bear.  He does free a wolf from a steel bear trap, which is kind of fun.

*Wait.  Who put that trap out there and for what purpose?  Was it blind Irish Santa Claus, the man who rescues Snake Eyes and his wolf companion (soon to be named Timber) from the aforementioned polar bear with a laser-harpoon gun?  Maybe.

*How does blind, laser-harpoon gun-wielding Irish Santa Claus cure Snake Eyes of radiation?  The only way possible of course: he wraps Snake Eyes in leaves.  Problem solved.

*We're introduced to several new Joes in "The Worms of Death," most importantly Torpedo, a flamboyant Latino diving expert who says something super creepy (see "Quotes without context").

Quotes without context:

"I believe none of us know doodley-squat about deep sea diving, so who we have to ramrod this operation?"  ("Ramrod this operation?"  Is that a thing people say?)

"...hot enough to boil an elephant."

"Come to 'pedo, baby!"

ON THE NEXT G.I. JOE: Lava and shit.




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