Have you seen the trailer for Disney's Planes yet? Here. Watch it real quick.
I saw the trailer for Planes on July 4th, a day that will live in infamy.
We spent the morning with my parents at an old-fashioned, small-town Independence Day celebration complete with bounce houses, temporary tattoo stations and Taylor Swift karaoke being performed by screechy sixth grade girls. We followed this up with lunch at [NAME OF RESTAURANT SPECIALIZING IN CHICKEN SANDWICHES AND HOMOPHOBIA REDACTED] and dropped the kid off at my parents' place for a nap. The wife and I then took in a matinee of the latest Pixar release, Monsters University. It was here, in a movie theater full of children and families, that I first witnessed the trailer for Planes.
Before I go any further, let me say a few very important things. First of all, I hated Pixar's Cars. It was boring and impossible to understand (Who built these cars? Does this movie take place on our Earth or some other parallel Earth? If it's the Earth that we know, where did all the humans go? If this is not our world, how did these cars evolve and from what? Etc, etc, etc). Second, I did not, nor do I plan to ever, see Cars 2. And, third, and most important, nobody in the theater that day enjoyed this trailer. I'm talking kids, parents, theater employees--nobody! There wasn't one laugh, snicker or chortle. The children in the audience, who had earlier been asking their mommies for more popcorn and whining about having to sit next to their least favorite sibling, were stone silent. Were then staring with awe at the screen, enamored and enchanted by what they were seeing? I would submit that they were not. A boy sitting three seats away from me actualy burst into tears. "No, mommy," he wailed. "No, mommy."*
Look, if you're looking forward to Planes, good for you. It's not for me and I understand that. So, I'm not going to waste a bunch of time pointing out every single I hate about this trailer. I just want to bring everyone's attention to one thing. You'll find it at the two-minute mark. Go ahead. Sync it up. I'll wait.
If you didn't go back and watch, I'll transcribe the "hilarious" exchange between two anthropomorphic planes, one of which is most assuredly high on something:
Druggie Plane: It's a really compelling underdog story. Like Old Yeller.
Other Plane: (smacks Druggie with his wing) That's not an underdog story!
Druggie Plane: There's a dog in it. (takes a giant bong rip)**
1. How does Old Yeller, book or movie, exist in a world without humans or dogs?
2. If Planes takes place in a post-apocalyptic, post-human, post-dog world in which Fred Gipson wrote Old Yeller, and the planes do, in fact, possess the ability to read, how do they turn the pages? If they're referring to the movie version, how did they work the projector/VCR/DVD player?
3. If this is a world in which there were never humans or dogs, how is there a movie and/or book with a dog in it and how would any of the planes know what a dog is?
That's all. Screw you, Planes!
*This didn't happen.
*This also didn't happen.