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Friday, July 12, 2013

You Don't Know Me At All


I’ve been called a movie snob many times in my life. I think of myself less as a snob, and more as a guy who possesses an acute awareness of what sucks and what doesn’t. I don’t think there’s anything superhuman about said awareness. I think at some point in every person’s life, he or she has this ability to discern the good from the bad, some of us just have it beaten out of us, metaphorically speaking, by the “Hollywood Machine” or the general malaise that comes with realizing life is one big steel-toed boot kick to the taint after one big steel-toed boot kick to the taint and, sure, I want sparkly vampires and singing, CGI-chipmunks on a cruise ship, please and thank you. Boy, that sounded kind of snobby. 

I’ve been unfriended on Facebook for daring to not like Avatar very much. I’ve duped friends whose company I very much enjoy into thinking I generally like a movie that I wouldn’t see if the entire cast watched it with me and presented me with Wild Cherry Icee refills for the duration of its runtime, and felt bad about it. Just last week, apropos of nothing except the obvious, I wrote the following message on my personal Facebook page: *SPOILER ALERT* The Lone Ranger movie is dumb. Why would I do such a thing? Turns out, I was probably right, but still. The day I posted this one-sentence judgment of a film I have less than no desire to see, I observed several FB “friends” extolling its virtues. Was I attempting to goad these movie plebs into an online shouting match? Of course I was! Perhaps I’m more of a film dick than anything else. 

But before you affix your hurtful labels to me, let’s take a look at my DVD collection. If I were some kind of snobby film jerk, you’d probably expect it to be revealed in my movie library, correct? Maybe I’m just like you. Well, not just like you, I mean, look what you’re wearing.


1. Child’s Play: Chucky’s 20th Birthday Edition; Chucky: The Killer DVD Collection 

I’ve made no secret of my love for Child’s Play and my deep, unnatural, slightly sickening admiration for its sequel, but as you can see, when it comes to Chucky, I want it all. To be honest, owning Child’s Play, Child’s Play 2 and Child’s Play 3, which is not without its charms (see: paintballs replaced with bullets), would be more than enough, but The Killer DVD Collection, which includes both Bride of Chucky and Seed of Chucky, was, like, seven bucks at Wal-mart. That’s four movies for seven dollars. I’d be an idiot not to buy it, right? At heart, I’m a completest (a fact we’ll revisit in a few minutes—hold on!), but I don’t think I ever had any desire to own every Child’s Play film ever made before finding every Child’s Play film ever made, except for the first one oddly enough, for seven bucks.



2. House of Wax 

I am a huge horror movie fan (I also love anime, sci-fi and comic book movies. I’m a catch!), but I’m fairly certain most of my horror brethren would balk at my love for 2005’s, non-Vincent-Price-starring House of Wax. I think it’s the Paris Hilton factor, which is kind of unfair. I mean, she is undeniably a black hole when it comes to acting and personality, but she also gets a pipe shoved through her skull. 

House of Wax was a surprise when I saw it in theaters, and I’ve shared it with many people, most of them non-horror fans (i.e. girls who only watch scary movies on Halloween), and they’ve dug it. It’s a fun movie and not at all the snobby fare you’d expect to find in the collection of one with as refined a film palate as myself.

3. Spider-Man 3 

I’m not going to come out and say Spider-Man 3 sucks, OK? Maybe under threat of torture I’d admit the obvious, but please don’t torture me. I’ve seen Zero Dark Thirty. Torture would not suit me, dudes. 

Look, I tolerated Spider-Man because I’ve loved the character since forever and I was excited about seeing him on the big screen (and directed by Sam Raimi, no less). I think Spider-Man 2 is probably the second or third best comic book movie ever made. And Spider-Man 3, um, has Venom in it and I love Venom or whatever. So, of course I’m going to buy the trilogy! Just another example of my completest ways. Have I watched Spider-Man 3 since purchasing it? Of course not. Do I plan to? I don’t know, probably. It’s not on my to-do list, but that list is always evolving, so who can say for sure. All that matters is that I own all three of Sam Raimi’s Spider-Man films, from the first one that I’ve grown to accept over the years to the last one that I will not admit to any of you reading this, sucks really hard.



4. Sci-Fi/Horror 15-Film Man Cave Pack 

I share my “man cave” with a Little People’s Talking Zoo, a princess castle and two Sesame Street play sets (one resembles the Street itself with depictions of Hooper’s Store and Bert and Ernie’s apartment building; the other Abby’s Flying Fairy School, complete with flapping roof-wings), not to mention stacks of coloring books, assorted crayons and markers, stickers, construction paper, Sesame Street temporary tattoos and a pink beanbag chair. Needless to say, it’s more playroom than “man cave” at this point, and I’m fine with that. I don’t even like that term: “man cave.” I don’t need a whole cave to myself. I just need a huge TV with surround sound (check!), a video gaming system (check!), an internet connection (check!), a DVD player (check!), a comfy couch on which to watch movies and TV shows and play video games occasionally (check!) and a coffee table on which to set soft drinks and Taco Bell take-out (check!). If that stuff is surrounded by singing stuffed animals and farm animal puzzles, so be it. 

I’m not sure why the films included in the Sci-Fi/Horror 15-Film Man Cave Pack are considered “man cave” appropriate. I mean, aren’t man caves usually for the watching of sports? Mine is during football season, sure, but other than that, my “man cave” is a nerd haven where I can indulge in all of my geeky pursuits. Sci-Fi and Horror don’t seem like genres most “man cave” dwellers are into. Although who in their right mind would be into any of the shit in this collection? 

Here’s why I bought it: it was cheap and I had money to burn, which is rare. Also, eXistenZ is included, and I love that movie. But, why would I buy a copy of eXistenZ for five dollars or whatever, when, for just five dollars more, I could buy eXistenZ and 14 probably terrible movies? It’s simple math, people. So, that’s why this is on my shelf. I haven’t cracked it open yet. I should add that I also have a 50-movie pack of horror DVDs and a 50-movie pack of sci-fi DVDs in my collection as well. Sorry, ladies. I’m taken.



5. Party of Five (Seasons 1 & 2) 

These aren’t movies, but it’s kind of messed up that I own them, right? I saved up tips from my job at an arthouse movie theater to buy Party of Five: Season 1, dudes. I worked hard slinging popcorn, popping wine corks and faking my way through coffee drinks for that one. Here’s another fun fact: I’ve seen every episode of Party of Five ever made. Yea, me? 

See, I’m not such a snob. I’m got some weird, un-snobby stuff in my collection. And I didn’t even include the films I inherited when I got married. But anyway. All done.


1 comment:

Gabe Sealey-Morris said...

In your defense, the first two seasons of Party of Five were... well... Neve Campbell and Jennifer Love Hewitt were really gorgeous back then, huh?