Send us an e-mail please:

Thursday, September 5, 2013

Get It Off My Facebook Page!!!: 50 Shades of Blah Blah Nobody Cares

I didn't weigh in when it was announced that Ben Affleck would be our next Batman simply because I didn't think it was a big deal.  Don't get me wrong, I'm a huge Batman fan, and I was just as giddy with anticipation as everybody else to find out who would don the cape and cowl in the Man of Steel sequel, but what conceivable reason would I have for getting bent out of shape when Ben Affleck's name was announced?  What's wrong with Ben Affleck?  Nothing.  He'll do fine.  Why waste your time clogging Twitter with your nerd rage? Or sending petitions to the White House?  Oh, you didn't like Daredevil?  Nobody liked Daredevil, you asshole!  We've got to like every single movie an actor has ever made now before we accept him as a character we hold near and dear to our geeky little hearts? Wrong.  Look, if they'd casted Adam Carolla or Gilbert Gottfried as the Dark Knight, then, and only then, would I sign your petition, but it's Ben Affleck.  You're telling me he doesn't have the jawline for Batman?  You're crazy!

I also haven't weighed in on the latest exciting casting news out of Hollywood.  It was announced this week that Charlie Hunnam and Dakota Johnson were cast as the leads in the cinematic adaptation of 50 Shades of Grey, the porn novel that had mothers all over America creaming in their mom jeans last year.  If my Facebook News Feed is any indicator, 50 Shades of Grey fans are not happy that Mr. Hunnam will be playing their beloved Mr. Grey, who, if I'm not mistaken, spends at least two of the three books in the 50 Shades Trilogy, repeatedly humiliating a woman.  Why are these ladies pissed off?  Well, mostly because Hollywood ignored the casting decisions they apparently made months ago, decisions that most definitely did not include the dude from Sons of Anarchy (and Undeclared, which is actually one of my favorite shows of all-time).

Pictured: Some bitch (whatever!) and ewww, gross!!!

Look, 50 Shades of Grey fans (Is there a name for you, by the way?), at least you're getting your movie.  I'm still waiting around for the Chucky VS. Michael Myers movie that may have only been promised to me in a dream.  Your movie has been greenlit and cast. For that, you should be grateful.

Also, Charlie Hunnam is an attractive man.  Isn't that we need from a Christian Grey? Maybe I'm wrong.  I literally have not read one page of this thing.  Is Christian deformed in some way?  Is Hunnam too attractive?  I think the real problem you guys have is that they didn't cast the hunky idiot you pictured in the role when you initially read the books.  I assume you all imagined your husbands or boyfriends in the Mr. Grey position.  I mean, that's what I do when I watch porn, imagine it's me and my wife doing all that stuff with the Thai dwarf in a leather mask.  Makes it hotter.  I've said too much.

Be angry if you want, but know that everything is probably going to be OK.  You'll see the movie opening night and you'll love it, so shut up.  Charlie Hunnam will become your favorite actor/go-to masturbation fantasy.  I know right now you feel hurt and betrayed, and that's OK, you're allowed to have feelings.  Just GET IT OFF MY FACEBOOK PAGE!!!

The following is a list of actors/personalities/"celebrities" that if they had been cast as Christian Grey, would completely justify your weird anger:

-John Pinette
-Corey Feldman
-Shaquille O'Neal
-Dustin Diamond
-Jimmy Kimmel
-Jimmy Walker
-Kid Rock
-Chris Colfer
-Clint Eastwood
-Glenn Humplik (co-host of the Tom Green Show)
-Andy Serkis
-Adam Carolla
-Christopher Mintz-Plasse
-Billy Bush
-the iPad-loving old man from the Hopper commercials

No comments: