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Monday, October 21, 2013

The Most Horrific Thing I've Read This Week

I know it's only Monday, but I don't think things are going to get any more horrific than this.

We all have a celebrity we admire, enjoy, look up to or even strive to be more like in some way.  Some people, for instance, have a favorite sports star.  To show an alliance with this chosen sports professional, one may purchase a jersey emblazoned with said professional's surname and number embroidered on the back of it or adorn one's man cave walls with framed poster art featuring one's hero in action, say, hitting a baseball with a baseball bat or throwing an impressive touchdown pass or flashing the ever-popular "devil horns" hand gesture while catching some wicked air on an energy drink-endorsed snowboard.  Individuals who don't like sports (i.e. nerds) might find their heroes in the world of music, film, literature, art or even commercial voice-over.  The point is, we all, no matter who we are, enjoy celebrities, and that's OK.

I, for example, am a huge fan of Steven Patrick Morrissey (AKA Moz, the Pope of Mope, the Dad of Sad, the Coxswain of Pain), former front man of the Smiths and current best solo artist on the whole damn planet and screw you if you don't agree.  I enjoy his music.  I enjoy his various stances on things even when they are the complete opposite of my own.  I am tickled by his casual racism and his hatred of mostly everyone.  I own his albums.  I own various books about him.  I've seen him in concert twice.  I always have either a Morrissey or Smiths t-shirt handy when the occasion calls for one.  I had a life-sized Morrissey poster hanging on my dorm room wall freshman year that scared the piss out of my redneck roommate whenever he got in late at night.  I am, how you say, a super fan.

I also find Morrissey quite handsome.  Not handsome enough to, say, save up one-hundred thousand dollars and pay a plastic surgeon to cut my face to look like his, but I'd say that is a pretty reasonable thing to not do.  I mean, who in their right mind would pay a doctor to make them look like someone else?  Who in the world could be that self-hating and delusional to think that was a good idea?

Oops!  33-year-old Toby Sheldon did, only not with someone cool and ruggedly good-looking like Steven Patrick.  No, Toby Sheldon is more of a Bieber fan.  Maybe the ultimate Bilieber.  I mean, look what he did:

Wait.  Wh--.  Why would...?  Huh?

The weirdest thing to me about this is that this guy is 33-years-old.  He is one year younger than me.  I thought this kind of shortsighted, overblown, reckless style of fandom died inside someone around age 25.  I'm not saying you can't be excited by stuff.  There's plenty of stuff I love, but I'm not spending thousands of dollars on face-pinching and lip-cherubing.  I haven't had my face altered to give me the unnatural appearance of a Peter Pan zombie with bangs.  I'm happy to like the things I like, and look like a stocky, balding dad while enjoying them.  I can't fathom why someone in my age range would ever consider this as an option.

Anyway, good for you, Toby Sheldon.  You kinda, sorta don't actually look like Justin Bieber and you're out $100,000.  Have a great life, buddy.


Nick said...

And ultimately all he got for his money was looking more like an out-of-drag queen than Justin Bieber.

The sad thing is that it didn't even really seem that this guy wanted to be Justin Bieber out of some crazy fanaticism about the Biebs. It seems like he wanted to have a better chance of making it big in music and drive girls crazy. My guess is that it is going to be a mega fail on all fronts.

Gabe Sealey-Morris said...

He doesn't look like a drag queen at all. He looks more like a failed attempt at making a Justin Bieber cake on one of those cake-decorating shows.

Nick said...

I said out-of-drag. You know, when they just go back to being greasy guys but with keep the silicone lips and cheeks and the overly shaped eyebrows.

I thank my wife for the countless hours of RuPaul's Drag Race…now I see queens everywhere!!!