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Monday, November 4, 2013

I Know I Shouldn't Eat Thee: Ranch Dipped Hot Wings-Flavored Doritos

I love chips!  Chips are to me as Kryptonite is to popular DC Comics super hero Superman, in that, when confront by chips, I become powerless to avoid them.  I guess the comparison doesn't really work though, I mean, Superman doesn't eat Kryptonite, that would kill him.  Chip consumption is, technically, killing me slowly, but I think if Superman crammed a handful of Kryptonite into his mouth--a situation I can't imagine ever happening--he'd most assuredly perish instantly.  So, in a lot, if not most, ways, chips are not my Kryptonite, but, rather, my Pac Man-style power pellets.  Yes, that's it.  Chips give me the power to eat ghosts and shit out their eyes.  I just like chips, OK?!?

I also like when chips come in wacky flavors.  I'll try almost any oddly flavored chip once.  A lot of weirdo chips I've taste-tested over the years have become lifelong favorites, and not all that weird when viewed in retrospect.  Of course Herr's should dump a ton of Old Bay seasoning on chips.  That's not weird.  That's brilliant!

Where do Ranch Dipped Hot Wings-flavored Doritos Jacked come into this?  I'm getting there.  Look, I can't resist the siren call of new chips, so when I saw a commercial for the latest addition to the Doritos family, I knew I had to have them in my mouth as soon as possible.  It wasn't the commercial, with its promises of excessive boldness and possible explosions.  It was the name: Ranch Dipped Hot Wings.  There are very few things more appealing to me than a plate of hot wings, unless it's a plate of hot wings accompanied by a cup of cool, thick ranch dressing.  Put these flavors in the easy-to-eat, relatively-unmessy form of a Dorito chip, and you've hooked me.

Let's talk about ranch dressing real quick.  It took me a long time to come to ranch.  It has to do with my general distrust of creamy foods, particularly soups and salad dressings.  I can trace this distaste for the creamy back to a conversation I was forced into in an eighth grade home economics class.  One of my kitchen mates, a large African-American gentleman named Jason, was describing to the rest of us a scene from a pornographic film he had recently watched.  Following a sex session with the film's leady lady, the male actor offered to make her some breakfast and serve it to her in bed.  I don't remember what he prepared as a main course--I like a nice omelet after sex--but to drink, he poured his lover a large glass of milk.  Oh, yes, he also ejaculated into said milk.  Ironically enough, this story did not turn me off milk somehow.  It did, however, make me forever leery of creamy foods.  I don't think I ever believed there was a pornographic actor crouching just outside of my line of sight, stiffened penis in fist, poised and ready to let loose a money shot into my baked potato soup, but something kept me from creamy foods for a good long time.  It wasn't until I discovered how much better cheese fries could be when slathered in a liberal coat of ranch, that I turned a corner on this issue.  So, ranch.

Ranch is the first thing Doritos gets right.  So many hot wing-flavored offerings today include an additional blue cheese flavor.  I don't like blue cheese, so I find this trend upsetting.  Doritos Jacked remedies this by using the far superior wings companion of ranch.  The hot wings component of Doritos Jacked is standard issue spicy, only with a zingy vinegar aftertaste.  The ability to taste every advertised flavor in each bite is remarkably refreshing.

Like any snack though, too much of a good thing usually ends in frustration.  Doritos Jacked are thicker, more toothsome, than regular Doritos, so eating them can be a chore.  A yummy chore, but a chore nonetheless, and if there's one thing I can't stand, it's, well, you know.  Also, I was born without the ability to regulate myself, so, I found myself eating several-too-many chips in each chip eating session, which took away from the novelty of eating ranch dipped hot wings-flavored chips.  Everything got kind of bland and samey and nauseating.  That, of course, is my fault, and not the fault of the corn chip in question.

Overall, I would say that Ranch Dipped Hot Wings-flavored Doritos Jacked are worth checking out if you are serious about snacking.  Or you could just wait for the Ranch Dipped Hot Wings Taco at Taco Bell next year and be disappointed then.  

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