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Friday, November 29, 2013

Oops, I did it again.

Last Thanksgiving, I posted the video for Nicole Westbrook's secret murder ballad "It's Thanksgiving" without explanation, revisiting it the very next day for questions and comments.  This year, as I am a sucker for tradition, I did it again, presenting the video for "Chinese Food," performed by Tweenchronic member, Alison Gold, and written by ARK Music founder, Patrice Wilson.  If you missed it, here's a second chance to check it out:

Granted, "Chinese Food" isn't necessarily about Thanksgiving, but it is about eating, and since Thanksgiving is mostly about eating--and I guess a little bit about spending time with your family and being thankful for crap or whatever--I thought it would be appropriate.  So, let's just get right into it then.  Ready?  All right.

1. The first thing I ask myself about something like this is always 'is this racist?' or 'is this culturally insensitive?'  In cases of videos produced by the ARK Music Factory or Pato Music World (PMW), Patrice Wilson's new endeavor, I also ponder, 'is this appropriate?'  Or, rather, I used to.  It pretty much goes without saying that anything coming out of Pato's head is astonishingly inappropriate, so I'm not even going to touch on that much this time around.  There is a moment in this video though in which the inappropriate nature of what is going on must be addressed--it would be a crime not to, as what is happing in this particular moment is, probably, a crime itself.  I'll answer the initial questions later in the piece.

2. Hi, Alison Gold.  How are you doing?  How'd you pull this song when your parents signed you up with PMW?  Surely you weren't presented with a list of potential songs and decided that "Chinese Food' summed up your thoughts and feelings regarding the complexities of tween life or spoke to you in any significant way.  It's a song about Chinese food, which, granted, while being the best genre of food currently available on the planet Earth, is just food.  (Oh, also, if you skipped that link above for Tweenchronic, please do yourself a favor and click it right now.  You'll be so glad/horrified that you did.)

3. Here are the opening lines how I hear them, and, keep in mind, I've listened to this song roughly twenty-thousand times:

After ballin'/I go clubbin'/then I'm huggin'/then I'm hungry/and I'm walking/on the street and/I'm getting (4x) grumpy

OK, first of all, ballin'?  Gold looks to be about, um, 12-years-old, so I'm going to assume that she's talking about basketball here.  However, following this game of basketball, she goes clubbing.  Now that's a little strange.  Whenever I play a game of basketball at my local YMCA or at the park with some street toughs from my neighborhood, my next stop is always the shower, private or community.  But, whenever I have sexual intercourse, which can be and is often referred to as "balling," I almost always retreat immediately to a dance club.  I've found that it helps in picking up chicks if you smell like you just had sex and failed to bathe afterwards.  Just my experience I guess.  So, which is it Alison?  Ew.  I don't want to know.

But then she's hugging?  Who is she hugging?  Her friends at the club?  The toilet because she drank a lot at the club?  I mean, four or five hours of intense club activities can make a man or 12-year-old with a fake ID pretty hungry, but so can a massive hangover.  Again, Alison, what is going on here?  

I should point out that if we are to believe the video, all of this basketball playing/humping, clubbing and friend/toilet hugging has occurred sometime in the afternoon, because it is clearly daytime as Alison walks down the street/attacks innocent garbage cans.  Do clubs open early for tweens or something?  I must admit, all that club stuff I wrote up top is bullshit.  I've never been to a club in my life.  I have hugged a toilet though.  And, yes, had sex.  Tons of times.

4. I feel so bad for this little Asian girl taking Alison's order.  First of all, who orders food like this?  Gold is jumping around, dancing, saying chow mein in a weird-ass way.  There are a few times where it looks like the girl behind the counter is just seconds away from leaping across the counter and strangling Gold to death.  I'd allow it.

5. I forgot to ask: Is the cook at the beginning of the video talking about zombies?  I heard a word that sounded like 'zombie' twice.  Admittedly, my Chinese is a little rusty.

6. I like fried rice!  I like noodles!  I like chow mein! = I only like the safe stuff--don't serve me anything authentic

7. Seriously, what if people ordered food like this!?!

8. Alison Gold is way too excited that her local Chinese restaurant serves broccoli.  And nobody eats soup with chopsticks!  C'mon!  Does that count as being culturally insensitive?  A little, right?

9. I don't know if you noticed, but there are no adults in this restaurant.  What kind of weird world does Patrice Wilson live in?  Remember "It's Thanksgiving," with it's lack of any adult supervision other than Wilson himself in a turkey costume?  Creepy.

10. Oh!  A panda!  Gettin' racist-er.

11. And who's in that panda suit?  You guessed it: Patrice Wilson!  Quick question, Panda-trice: What the hell are you doing at a little girl's sleepover?!?  I know this is just a dumb video for a terrible song, but, really, what was your motivation for putting yourself smack dab in the middle of a slumber party for underage girls?  Idiot.

12. Minute 2:44.  Now here's the racism I've been looking for.  Eff this video!

13. Rainbow Panda died on the way back to his home planet.

For more of Patrice Wilson's rampant inappropriateness check out the video for Alison Gold's "ABCDEFG."

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