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Saturday, December 28, 2013

2013 Movie Superlatives

As of this posting, I have seen only 12 films released in 2013.  You don't need to say it, I am aware that this unfortunate statistic is quite shameful.  I'm hanging my head as I type this (partly out of shame; partly because I never learned to type correctly*).  Look, I could provide you with a litany of legitimate excuses (I have a two-year-old; I spend most of my monthly allotted entertainment budget on potato chips and orange soda; I mostly hate leaving my house unless it's to purchase potato chips and orange soda; all the movie theaters in my town mysteriously burned down at the beginning of the year; etc.), but I won't because, honestly, I don't owe you people anything.  Plus, I already listed said excuses between the two parentheses in the preceding sentence.  If you are the type of person who typically skips statements included between a duo of parentheses (Is there a type of person who does that???), go back and check it out.  Some of them are lies, so it's funny.

As you know, I post my Top 10 Films list on Oscar night, so I've got plenty of time to catch up on all of 2013's hit films (The Lone Ranger!  The Croods!  Jack the Giant Slayer!  My Little Pony: Equestria Girls!) before February, 2014.  Before this year ends, however, I wanted to hand out some good, old-fashioned, senior class superlatives to the movies I actually got to see.  So without further what-have-you:

1. Best Street Brawl Between Super-Powered Fantasy Creatures Involving an International House of Pancakes at Some Point: Superman VS. The Kryptonians in the streets of Smallville (Man of Steel)

2. Best Street Brawl Between Super-Powered Fantasy Creatures Not Involving an International House of Pancakes at Any Point: Legolas VS. Bolg in the streets of Lake Town (The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug)

3. Best Scene of the Year (And Probably Ever Because Holy Shit!!!): The barrel escape (The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug) - You don't have to be a LOTR geek, like myself, to enjoy this one, dudes!  Worth the price of admission itself, the barrel escape scene is a triumph of fantasy-action-adventure filmmaking.  It's got everything: dwarf antics, gross orcs, elf antics, decapitations, raging rapids, barrels, horrific violence, near drownings, Kate from LOST.  Best ever!!!

4. Most Likely to be a Movie You Watch When You're Home Sick From Work, Zonked Out on Cold Medicine and It's Just Starting on USA or TBS (Maybe You Even Missed the First 10 Minutes): Oblivion

5. The Michael Cera Award for Excellence: Michael Cera (This Is The End)

6. Best Remake I Was Convinced Would Be Awful and was Proved Gloriously Wrong By: Evil Dead

7. Most Likely to be Deemed "Meh" Months After Viewing: (tie) Star Trek Into Darkness and The Wolverine

8. Best Direct to Video Sequel About a Murderous Doll Possessed by the Soul of a Serial Killer: Curse of Chucky (other superlatives awarded to Curse of Chucky - Best Post Credit Sequence [In the 'unrated version,' Chucky and Andy Barclay are reunited long enough for the latter to blast the former in the face with a shotgun]; Most Likely to Shake Up An Until Now Firmly Established Personal Franchise Hierarchy List [Curse has been placed in the #3 spot]; Best Use of Rat Poison [vegetarian chili seasoning]; Worst One-Sided Phone Conversation [Andy Barclay talking to his mom in the post credit sequence in the 'unrated version'])

9. Best Segment From A Found Footage Horror Anthology Sequel: "Safe Haven" (V/H/S/2)

10. Most Likely to Inspire a Real-Life Drinking Excursion: The World's End

11. Character Most Likely to Be Punched in the Head by Me If We Ever Meet and His Mommy Isn't Around: That annoying kid from Iron Man 3 (Iron Man 3 also received the following accolades in a separate, un-televised ceremony - Most Fun Twist That Fanboys Should Just Get Over Already [The Mandarin is a drunk, English actor]; Best Use of Robot Suits)

12. Most Likely To Make My Official Best of Year List When It's Posted in February: (tie) Monsters University and The World's End

* This is a lie.  I type like a f**king champ, son!

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