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Monday, December 30, 2013

Checking In With 2013's Biggest Newsmakers

As we bid this year a fond farewell, I feel it prudent to catch up with some of my favorite newsmakers of 2013, see what they’re up to and what the coming year might hold in store.

1) Mally: Mally, of course, is the baby capuchin monkey Justin Bieber received on his 19th birthday and subsequently abandoned at an airport in Germany during his European tour. I’m happy to report that Mally was adopted by a German zoo, and is currently enjoying a fulfilling life of chattering, tree climbing, poop flinging and screeching for no reason. She is also working on a non-fiction tell-all about her experiences with Bieber titled Eye of the Storm: One Month With Canada’s Only Asshole.

2) The Jonas Brothers: We all remember where we were when the Jonas Brothers broke up this year. I was reading entertainment news off of a computer screen. “Oh, the Jonas Brothers broke up,” I vividly remember thinking to myself, following this with a third sip of coffee and a vigorous scrotum adjustment. What I didn’t know at the time was that the Jonas Brothers weren’t simply breaking up as a mediocre band whose fans really did deserve better (c’mon, Jonases!), but that Disney’s golden boys were actually divorcing each other as brothers, which is a thing you can do now. The split has been the hardest on Trey Jonas, the seldom-seen fourth Jonas, who lives his life as a conjoined fetus twin beneath Nick Jonas’s left armpit. Turns out, he wrote most of the group’s songs. Nick is refusing to work with Trey, who witnesses say looks kind of like a mix between creepy Muppet and one of those novelty plastic puke gags with teeth, who is now penning songs exclusively for Canada’s own Barenaked Ladies.

3) Anne Frank: Earlier this year while touring her house, baby monkey-abandoning, Canadian asshole, Justin Bieber, tweeted that Anne Frank probably would have been a “Belieber,” a term Bieber's fans use to refer to themselves, when they aren't screaming or crying. Public outcry was so bad that the ghost of Anne Frank herself held a press conference at which she said, “While I have never heard the music of Mr. Bieber, I would be more then willing to give it a chance if someone could please make me a mix tape.” As of this post, officials are still trying to locate a dual tape player. The ghost of Anne Frank still politely haunts the streets of Amsterdam.

4) Julianne Hough: You remember Julianne Hough, right? The girl from Dancing with the Stars? The star of the Footloose remake? Ryan Seacrest’s former gal pal (It’s a Hollywood term. Look it up, pleb!)? Well, this Halloween she dressed as one of the beloved convicts from the Netflix original series, Orange is the New Black, complete with orange jumpsuit and blackface. That’s right, blackface. Somebody did that in 2013. Somebody that media types often pay attention to. I’m not kidding! When confronted, Hough yanked at her collar and said, “I guess I didn’t get the memo!” The human race has since forwarded said memo to Hough. She probably tweeted an apology emoji or something. Anyway, I’m sure she’s still rich and pretty. Full disclosure, I didn’t actually catch up with her.

5) Paula Deen: Unlike recently reinstated anus-hater Phil Robertson, Paula Deen never recovered from her inconsiderate racial comments. She is still currently in hiding, basting things in butter and dreaming up new ways to serve ham to fat people in her popular Savannah restaurant, Butterball’s Old Fashion Pig-Outtery (“Where cracklins are always on the menu, y’all!”).

6. Miley Cyrus: Miles had a big year, huh? She put out the one album I bought this year (I’m sorry, everybody in the world.). She famously rubbed her butthole on Alan Thicke’s son. She sang a duet with an extraterrestrial, diamond-sobbing cat. She broke up with Thor’s brother. She licked a sledgehammer. She smoked a bunch of weed probably. She captured the very first photographic evidence of Walt Disney rolling over in his grave. She did it all! What’s next for Miley? Hopefully it’s less rapping.

7. Jon Gosselin: There were some pretty great Gosselin moments this year, man. I didn’t write about any of them, because ever since he blocked me on Twitter (Long story short: He tweeted something about Wheaties, I responded with something like “oh, is that what douchebags eat for breakfast?” only it was mildly funnier, but not really), I’ve felt kind of bad for all the crap I’ve shoveled on him. So, yeah, I didn’t offer any commentary on the interview he gave about how he’d rather work as a restaurant greeter than a reality TV millionaire with a closet full of trucker caps and Ed Hardy t-shirts. And I pretty much ignored the time he fired a gun at a reporter who followed him home to his secluded cabin in the woods. But I’ve got to mention the year-end rant he went on in which he called his ex-wife, Kate, “an asshole.” That is just a wonderful end-of-the-year treat that has to be discussed. So, yeah, he called Kate an asshole. That’s pretty much it.

Thanks for another great year, celebrities (and whatever Jon Gosselin is)! We’ll check back with you in 2014!

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