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Thursday, December 19, 2013

Of Buttholes and Duck Men


"You ever had your asshole licked by two women at the same time?"

The summer between my sophomore and junior years of college, I worked for a temp agency based in Charlotte, North Carolina.  The assignments over that three month period were varied and more than a little odd.  One week I was helping make speciality food deliveries to local grocery stores with a man who incessantly sucked down Coca-Colas, justifying it by explaining that his grandfather had left him several shares of Coke stock in his will.  Another week I was teamed up with a rag tag group of men, ages ranging from 18 to 53, to clear the shelves of boat store to make room for, I guess, newer, better boat-related products?  I organized a small insurance company's filing room (Until I lost interest, left for lunch on the second to last day, and never returned.  School was starting back up anyway, so I didn't think it was that big of a deal.  Nobody talked to me in the office anyway.  I probably could've sat in that cramped filing closet for 8 hours a day, not touched a single file, and still gotten paid.  It was stupid.).  I helped a gregarious middle-aged woman set up speciality food displays at a Food Lion on the outskirts of Mecklenberg County (On our last day together she gave me a box full of free stuff, all of it past the sell by date.).  The boat store crew and I reconvened to move the contents of a high-end furnishings store from one location in the rich person's mall to another location three or four stores away.

My weirdest assignment was the single day I spent with a leaf blower strapped to my back, clearing dead leaves and debris from the breezeways of a sprawling apartment community.  Just me and another dude, let's call him "Greg," mostly because I can't remember his name.  Greg had recently been released from prison and was living with his sister.  He enjoyed rap music.  In fact, twenty minutes into us working together, Greg asked me, "Matt, do you like rap music?"

"Of course I like rap music," I answered.  I was pretty smitten with Greg already.  He was a nice dude. He never shut up, but he was endlessly amusing.

"Will Smith, right?  He's the White Man's rapper."

"No.  I don't care for Will Smith.  I like the Beastie Boys."

"Yeah.  They're all right."

Twenty or so more minutes later, Greg looked at me and said, "You know, Matt, I used to hate white people.  Wanted to kill 'em."

Usually, this statement would've been it for me.  I would've fear shit my pants and run for my car.  But Greg and I had fallen into a rhythm and I was interested to find out where he was taking this.  "I hate to hear that."

"Then I met this white dude in prison, Peter, and we became, like, best friends, man."  Phew!  Fear shit avoided.

My very special favorite bon mot uttered by Greg that day was the colorful phrase that opened this post.    Before I could answer that I had, in fact, never had my asshole licked by one woman, let alone, two women at the same time (Full disclosure: By this point I had just done a lot of heavy petting and received exactly one lackadaisical hand-job), Greg said, "I have!  It was awesome!  They were both down there and then one of them starting sucking..."  You get the point.

What does this have to do with Phil Robertson?  Well, I'm glad you asked.  Earlier this week it was revealed that one of the stars of the inexplicably popular A&E reality television series, Duck Dynasty, is a homophobe.  Oops!  I'm sorry.  I meant, compassionate Christian gentleman who loves all of God's creations, even the hell-bound ones who prefer the company of the same gender.  Here's my favorite quote from the GQ article that exposed this bearded bigot:

"It seems like, to me, a vagina -- as a man -- would be more desirable than a man's anus, that's just me," Robertson said. "I'm just thinking: There's more there! She's got more to offer. I mean, come on, dudes! You know what I'm saying? But hey, sin: It's not logical, my man. It's just not logical.


Let's skip the reductive nature of Robertson's comments.  I mean, he seems to be suggesting, in this bit anyway, that what defines a homosexual male is his all-encompassing love for the anus.  Um.  Hey, Robertson, you know that thing attached to the vagina you love so much?  The woman you fell in love with and desired to start a weird bearded family with?  The mate with whom you wanted to share all the most important moments in your dumb life?  That's what gay dudes want too, dummy!  They want a deep, meaningful connection with someone too, only that someone just happens to share the same junk in the swimsuit area.

And don't take what I wrote the wrong way, anybody.  Vaginas are great!  The best, probably.  But I didn't date, fall in love with and marry my wife just because of her vagina.  She has an anus too, you know!

Look, until Greg introduced the idea of buttlicking into my life, I was kind of walking around with my head up my, well, you know.  The fact of the matter is butt holes are great, and the fact that Phil Robertson seems repulsed by them, going as far to call an appreciation of them "illogical," makes me feel super bad for his wife.  Do you know how many pleasure receptors there are in the human anus?  Like, 5,000*!  That's amazing!  To ignore the anus in either heterosexual or homosexual sex is to do a great disservice to your sexual partner.  Trust me, Phil, your wife wants you to spend a little time with her balloon knot.  She might not even know it yet, but, again, trust me.

I'm not going to say whether or not I ever took Greg's advice to get my asshole licked "as soon as possible."  That's not important and, frankly, it's none of your business.  But I will say that I understand the importance the butt hole plays in human sexuality, and when some duck call whittling, homophobic piece of swamp-water chugging garbage starts bad mouthing it, I'm gonna stand up and say 'No thank you, sir!  You leave butt holes alone!  Or don't!  Don't leave them alone!  That's the problem here!'







*I don't know if that's true.


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