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Monday, February 25, 2013

GEP @ the Oscars: Honorable Mentions & Worst Films of 2012

Some movies are great.  Some movies are pretty great, but not great enough to be featured on a list of 10 greats.  Those movies fall into a category I, and many, many others before me, like to call:


--The Avengers: The Avengers was the most fun I had at the movies last summer.  It was so wonderfully funny and colorful and comic booky.  It's pretty much the comic book movie I'd been dreaming about since I was a child, only my dream involved the Fantastic Four.  I was never really an Avengers guy.  And I still don't like Thor very much.  Hey, maybe Joss Whedon can take a crack at Fantastic Four reboot.  Heyyyyyy.

--The Amazing Spider-Man: There isn't a bigger Spider-Man fan on the planet than me, but I don't mind telling you that I was as excited about 2012's Spider-Man reboot as I am about a trip to the dentist.  Don't get me wrong, my dentist is a nice guy and his staff is friendly, but do I really need the same speech about flossing and my wisdom teeth and how I should invest in an electric toothbrush every single time I go in?  Apparently I do, because it's exactly what I get.  Plus, the music they play in the waiting room is terrible.  It's as if they found the single worst station on XM Radio, one that focuses purely on soft rock artists from the 70's, but only, like their deep cuts, not the singles, not the songs anyone actually knows and likes, and they locked it in, ripped the knob off, and fed the knob to a passing goat.  I guess, what I'm trying to say is that I wasn't super excited about The Amazing Spider-Man.

And maybe it's because of those low expectations that I enjoyed The Amazing Spider-Man so much.  That's not the ringing endorsement I intended it to be.  Sorry.  It's a fine film.  There.  That's better.

--Found Footage: Just when I thought I'd grown tired of the found footage genre, 2012 gave me two films that reeled me back in: Chronicle and V/H/S.  Now that's it, found footage.  We're done.  Unless you got something special up your sleeve for 2013...

Some movies aren't great.  Some movies even, GASP, suck balls.  They would go here:


--The Hunger Games: First off, I am a fan of the Hunger Games books.  I read them all and I genuinely enjoyed most of them (The 3rd one's a little 'meh'.)  The movie version of Book One, however, was a snooze.  The Hunger Games is a super popular series of books.  Young and old alike were clamoring for a movie version that lived up to what they'd read.  And while Jennifer Lawrence was the perfect choice for Katniss, everything else was a collosal letdown.

Hunger Games should have been epic.  It should have been a beautiful-to-look-at, polished, big budget masterpiece.  I'm talking Peter Jackson, Lord of the Rings-style.  It was going to make whatever amount of money was spent on it back tenfold.  So, why did The Hunger Games look like a mumblecore movie filmed by a toddler?  Hold the camera steady, guy!  Shaking a camera around doesn't equal "action/suspense," it just kind of makes people feel ill.  Ugh.

--Taken 2: This was the worst movie I saw last year.  It was fun being out with my dad and all (For the record, my dad and I saw plenty of quality movies together in 2012.), but I couldn't really get into the movie.  Maybe it was because I haven't seen the first film of the series, which I believe is called Taken, maybe?  I didn't know who any of these characters were and I'm supposed to care about Liam Neeson giving his daughter a driving lesson?  Forget that! 

I think it was more that Taken 2 is dumb and boring and totally insane, but not insane in that fun way that some awful movies are sometimes.  I mean, I guess there's a car chase that's kind of fun, and I've already shared my horrified affinity for Maggie Grace's grenade attack on the innocent citizens of Instanbul, but for the most part, Taken 2 is a lame attempt at the whole action/revenge genre.  Please, Hollywood, let Liam Neeson take a breather.  He's an old, old man.  I've never seen slower fight scenes.  Double ugh.

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Sunday, February 24, 2013

GEP @ the Oscars: My Top 10 Favorite Films of 2012

Hey, gang, just checking in real fast to share my Top 10 of 2012.  We had our dear friends over for dinner, and I had a lot of dishes to wash, so I'm running a little late.  So, here they are.  Remember: for movies to be on this list, I had to see the movie, as well as, enjoy it immensely.  There may be some films missing that you think should be here.  You're probably right, but out of the 22 movies I saw last year, these were my ten favorite.

All right.  Gotta pop some popcorn for me and wife and watch the Oscars until I get bored, mute the television, and play Bejewled while listening to You Made It Weird.  Hooray for Hollywood!

10. The Raid: Redemption

9. Safety Not Guaranteed

8. The Imposter

7. The Dark Knight Rises

6. Looper

5. Lincoln

4. The Cabin in the Woods

3. Zero Dark Thirty

2. Beasts of the Southern Wild

1. Moonrise Kingdom


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Saturday, February 23, 2013

GEP @ The Oscars: 2012 Film Superlatives

Tomorrow night, when you're outside walking your dog or doing some night gardening or burying a body, you may find the skies a bit darker than usual (DARK SKIES! IN THEATERS NOW!).  That's because all the stars will be in Hollywood at the 85th Annual Academy Awards accepting trophies and/or losing graciously, all while the creator of Family Guy, I don't know, sings big band-era movie parody songs in a British toddler voice probably.

I love the Oscars.  The dizzying highs!  The Franco-esque lows!  The middling middles!  The glitz!  The glamor!  The limos!  The limo drivers!  The limo driver's crossword puzzle books that the limo drivers work on while waiting for the Academy Awards to be over!  The parties!  The fashions!  The unexplainable appearance of Gary Busey on the red carpet!  Seacrest!!!

When Oscar time rolls around, GEP pulls out all the stops, as long as one understands that "all the stops" in this case involve three very special movie-related posts:  our 2012 Film Superlatives list (which you are mere seconds away from reading); our hotly-anticipated Fashion Report; and perhaps the most exciting, my personal Top 10 Films of 2012 list.  

So put on your tuxedos and your gowns and your baubles, because we've got Oscar fever and we want a kiss!

Grossest Moment: Shrim.  (Tim and Eric's Billion Dollar Movie)

Grossest Moment (Runner-Up): Bradley Whitford dies at the hands (and mouth) of his beloved Merman. (The Cabin in the Woods)

Boldest Statement: "The Art of Rap is Ice-T's first movie!"  (Spoken by rapper/actor/big butt enthusiast, Ice-T, at the beginning of his directorial debut, Something From Nothing: The Art of Rap.)  That's a pretty bold statement considering the Art of Rap is fairly unfocused and has grown tedious by the midway point.  But who am I to say Ice-T won't get another shot at making movies?  You're right, I'm nobody.

Most Lynchian Scene Not in a David Lynch Movie: The Siegel's Filipino nanny puts on a Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer costume and dances and sings to herself in the bathroom mirror. (The Queen of Versailles)

Movie Line My Wife and I Have Incorporated Into Our Day-to-Day Parenting: "Lie to me, and I hurt you." (Zero Dark Thirty) (Note: We only say it because it makes us laugh.  We're not going to hurt anybody.  Promise.)

Most Blatant Disregard for Human Life: Kim (Maggie Grace) in Taken 2: If you've seen Taken 2, first of all, I'm sorry.  Secondly, you know that Kim is Liam Neeson's daughter and that, I guess, she was the one who was "taken" in Taken 1 (AKA Taken).  She is not (SPOILER ALERT) taken in the franchise's second installment; instead she assists in the un-takening (?) of her mother and father.  In an effort to locate her parents, Neeson has her toss live grenades all over Istanbul.  He instructs her to throw the first one someplace unoccupied by human beings.  She complies.  Then, suddenly, she's running all over the rooftops of Istanbul hurling grenades hither and yon.  It's ridiculous!

Coldest Diss: "I hope you die.  And when you die, I'll go to your grave and eat birthday cake all by myself!"  (Hushpuppy, Beasts of the Southern Wild)

Best Villain: "Officer Daniels" (Pat Healy) in Compliance:  I know, I know.  Technically, Matthew Fox's character in Alex Cross was the best villain of 2012, but I haven't seen Alex Cross (YET!), so I feel icky about bestowing this honor upon him sight unseen.  So, I've chosen "Officer Daniels" from Compliance, who not only makes the most disturbing crank call ever, but does so while making himself a sandwich, taking out the garbage, and chatting with his daughter about her school day.

Why It Isn't Bane (Contains Spoilers!!!): Look, Bane is undeniably creepy, with the mask and the weird voice and the casual murdering and all, but in the end he is revealed to be nothing more than Talia al Ghul's lap dog, which, for me anyway, kind of diminishes his overall scariness.  And Talia al Ghul can't be the Best Villain because, duh, she's a girl.  (J/K LOLZ!!!)

My Favorite Scenes of 2012:

*Escape from Goblin Mountain. (The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey)

*Jeff (Jake Johnson) goes drunk go-karting after things don't work out between himself and his high school crush. (Safety Not Guaranteed)

*Carey Gibson's final words on Frederic Bourdin. (The Imposter

Favorite Movie I Didn't See of the Year (Pretentious): The Master

Favorite Movie I Didn't See of the Year (Non-Pretentious): Wreck-It Ralph


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Friday, February 15, 2013

GEP Best of...: Across the Sea

I kind of love this post from 5/5/2009.  It makes me smile to remember what an awful time I was having.  In retrospect, my first cruise wasn't that bad, but re-reading my thoughts while I was in the thick of it and Jonathan's kind words and wonderful suggestions on how to make the trip better, makes me laugh.

From: Matt Lawson
Sent: Fri 5/01/09 9:22 PM
To: Jonathan Cook

I'm writing to you from a boat. Isn't that fucking sweet!!?

So, a cruise vacation is apparently my biggest nightmare. At first I thought it was going to be the trapped feeling or the rocking, but's the forced communal activities, the constant fucking noise (just now, another fucking band just started playing behind me...ugh), the barrage of twits asking "bar service?" every ten seconds, the lack of anything interesting to do but pay 55 cents a minute to reach out to a friend from somwhere on the Atlantic Ocean. The food is good, but I just back from watching a bunch of drunken idiots play Family Feud and it was terrible.

Anyway, I just thought you'd like to know what's going on. I would do anything to be back in Raleigh not on a cruise ship and not hearing this fuckwit sing terribly behind me. I mean, WTF????

I'm probably gonna drop some money at the casino and cry myself to sleep.


Just look at this crap-hole!

From: Jonathan Cook 
Sent: Fri 5/01/09 10:12 PM
To: Matt Lawson 

But, dude, you're on a boat! I've never been on a boat, so I can't say just how awesome it is, but popular songs and legends tell of wonderful mermaids, ice sculptures, communal dining, life boats, portholes, Kathy Lee Gifford, autotune, and sex with mermaids. Did you hit golf balls at whales? Did you have boat sex just so you could clumsily hit your head on a bulkhead and say the knot on your head came from when you hit your head on a bulkhead during boat sex? Did you yell "man overboard" even once? If not, you're not enjoying the full boat experience. Your experience sounds awful and makes me not want to have anything to do with boats. Feel free to try my ideas.


Welcome to Hell is more like it!  God, Nassau sucks!

From: Matt Lawson
To: Jonathan Cook
Subject: RE: from a boat
Date: Sun, 3 May 2009 18:00:01 -0400

I'll admit, yesterday's stop at Royal Caribbean-owned island Coco Cay wasn't that bad. I don't know if it's because I was finally off this infernal cruise ship or because I was already drunk by 11:00. I purchased a whiskey sour and the dude made it in a huge souviner cup. Also it was more of a 'whiskey hold the sour'. Soon after I indulged in something called a Coco Loco then stumbled off into the ocean to snorkel and check out a fake plane crash. Filled with a new sense of purpose, I tried to make the best of my time back on the boat. I watched drunk people sing karaoke and that was OK, but the midnight buffet was a bust.

Today we visited Nassau and, what a surprise, it sucked. It was boring, sad, and my father only let us go back to the boat when he decided that my sister could take no more. Ugh. We got back to the ship, I ate some truly awful buffet food, and slept for three hours. Only dinner, a second karaoke extravaganza, the unfunny headlining comedian's Late Night Dirty Show for Adults, and a full night's sleep and I will be back in Miami and then it's on to Raleigh where I plan on blotting this trip out with either heavy amounts of alcohol or a blow to the head.

Thank you for your suggestions. I appreciate you trying to help me make the best of this experience. As I suspected, I am not a cruise guy and I don't care if I ever, EVER set foot on a fucking cruise ship again.


Blotting out the memories
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Thursday, February 14, 2013

Happy Birthday to Us!!!

It's our 5th birthday today!  Wow!  We made it!  To celebrate, I'm re-posting one of our most read, most beloved posts of all time: 8/17/2010's "Faces of the Juggalo Nation."  Enjoy!

I've been reading a lot about this whole Tila Tequila versus the Juggalos thing for the past two days and something just don't sit right with me. I've seen the Twitter transcripts (tweetscripts?). I've watched the video, complete with Tom Green dance, on TMZ. I've read the words of my companions in snark. Frankly, I'm more than a little turned off.

Like most of you, I don't know what it means to be a Juggalo. I have a vague impression. I know Juggalos enjoy the music of the Insane Clown Posse and other clown-painted, horrorcore artistes. I've heard that they gather somewhere in the Midwest once a year for four days of music and clowny mayhem. I've also heard that they have a fondness for Faygo, a beverage I too very much enjoy. In fact, many of my favorite memories of growing up in Michigan involve the consumption of large quantities of Faygo. Of course, I liked to drink it. Juggalos, apparently, enjoying hurling bottles of it at musical acts they don't enjoy or spraying it on the breasts of their ICP-loving wives and girlfriends, known as Juggalettes. But why take my word for it, when a young person, known simply as The.Juggalo.Jester, defines the terms so eloquently on the Urban Dictionary:

Well. The juggalo and the juggalettes are hard to describe in general, even as a juggalo it's hard for me. So i'm going to try. A juggalo is a male fan of the Insane Clown Posse A juggalette is the female fan of the Insane Clown Posse ICP for short. Juggalo's and juggalettes are fans of ICP that have been saved by The dark Carnival and have realised that being different isn't a bad thing, for it makes us just that. 'Different' from everyone, we are all crazy in our own ways and we are all hated for some reason or another. Us Lo's And Lette's Are loyal fans to ICP and any of the bands under the psychopathic record's logo. We love them as family as well as other Lo's and Lette's as family and we would die for eachother. Poeple always dis on the fam but we are strong and most true juggalo's and lette's ignore the threats and the insults. Most of the fans connect with ICP, Twiztid, Boondox, ABK, AMB, Blaze cause they grew up unwanted as many juggalo's and juggalette's did. Me included. We are outcasts. But the truth is we don't care, we don't give a fuck. We paint our faces and we talk the way we talk to be different. Though many people say yea, yea, they want to be non-conformists, most of us are. We are all crazy and mentally unstable. Me for example. I've been to about 8 different therapists. My parents trying to scrounge up money for it all. Luckily we have rich grandparents. Me myself, i've grown up with no moeny for myself and the thing is i don't have friends...

There's more, but it gets kinda creepy and self-indulgent. The point is, Juggalos believe in something, they stand for something. Sure, it's something called "The Dark Carnival," but who amongst us doesn't have our very own "dark carnival?" Maybe your "dark carnival" is Jesus. Or Buddha. Or shoe shopping. Or carnivals.

Listen, it's easy to look down on the Juggalos. Many of them are obese, physically incapable of love, learning disabled, high on face paint fumes, sociopathic, dangerously violent and/or the products of a trailer park upbringing. But before you blow them off as simple-minded, Tila Tequila-battering psychopaths, take a moment to look into the faces of the Juggalo Nation.
See, women do let Juggalos sleep with them. Sometimes without a condom. These proud Juggalo parents will someday raise their own Juggalo, instilling in it the core values of all Lo's and Lette's: You must always notice and recognize miracles and Faygo-brand pop is meant to be sprayed on women's boobies.
Look at this normal, well-adjusted young couple? Don't just look at their offputting black and white make-up and write them off as typical suburban dregs of society. There is so much promise in these grimaces, so much hope for a better, brighter tomorrow. Riddle me this: who would you rather your daughter show up with for Sunday brunch: this young gent or Hitler? Something to think about.
Juggalos celebrate Christmas, for Pete's sake! Would God-fearing, yuletide revelers such as these wish anything but tidings of comfort and joy upon the Tila Tequilas and Method Men of this world? Christmas is a holiday celebrated by only the strictest of Christians, so I can only assume the three young people pictured above are active members in their church youth group. I've never heard of youth groupers filling balloons with their own urine and hurling said pee-filled balloons at Canadian comedy legend Tom Green, have you?

And who could believe that these sweet, innocent Juggalettes would even hurt a fly, let alone participate in a bottle-tossing riot at an outdoor clown-rap festival:
I think I've seen that girl on the right reading to blind kids in the children's hospital downtown. I know that shirt looks familiar.

Leave the Juggalos alone, America! Seriously. What happened to hating Mel Gibson? Or making fun of Jon Gosselin? Let's get back to that for awhile.

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Wednesday, February 13, 2013

GEP Best of...: OMG I LUV U, JUSTIN!!1

Originally posted 2/27/2010

I gather all of the latest on what's hip and cool in American popular culture solely through the Trending Topics list on my Twitter page. It is my feeling that Twitterers are the only members of our society that truly have their fingers on the pulse of what really matters. I mean, that's why I joined the Twitter-verse, man. I don't want to get left in the dust, scoffed at for being an old man, and dragged deep into the snowy wilderness and left alone with nothing but a pack of matches and bundle of dry sticks on my 32nd birthday. I want to know what's hot, what's happening, and what's happening now!

Over the past month, I've seen only one entity hold steady in the ever shifting Trending Topics landscape. That entity is Mr. Justin Bieber. If you don't know who Bieber is, first, I'd say, get a clue, Oldie McOatmealfart! Where have you been the last six months? Probably marinating in your own filth, playing BINGO with your saggy-titted friends and whining about your bedsores to anyone in a nurses uniform. Then, I'd explain that Justin Bieber is a 15-year-old pop star from Canada who has been known to inadvertently cause shopping mall riots.

He has also, possibly inadvertently, amassed a zombie-like army of frothing-at-the-mouth teenage girls willing to perform any act, no matter how degrading, to further his cause, which, if I've done my research correctly, is to make sure that there is one less lonely girl in the world at any particular time. These Bieberites, as I call them, have conquered Twitter and plastered it with their psychotic, rambling messages of unquestioning adoration, demanding that like-minded disciples of The Bieber "re-tweet" their disturbing missives in able to recruit even more followers.

Plus, they love to take online Justin Bieber quizzes!

I decided to descend into this sick, sad world of Bieber worship, in an attempt to understand the tweenage minds that have embraced this floppy-haired moppet as the second coming of Christ, you know, if Christ had been a Canadian pop singer. Today, I will take you through two of the six online Justin Bieber quizzes I completed. I warn you, this is not a post for the weak of stomach. I assure you that all of the following is 100% true, and not in the sense that My Life as Liz is true, by which I mean, completely false.
Quiz #1

LilMissyAlri2k9 I just took "IF U AND justin bieber were boyfriend & girlfriend what NICKNAME WOULD HE GIVE U?" and got: Rose! Try it:

Question 1: do u like candy?
My choices: yeah...; OH YEAH!!!!!!!; taste ok...; YEAH...BUT IM A PICKY EATER; SORTA...; LOVE IT 4EVER
My process: Right off the bat I was thrown. How would my feelings on candy factor into Justin's nickname selection? And what about people who don't enjoy a nice piece of candy? Don't they get a choice? Apparently not. If you don't like candy in some capacity, Justin Bieber doesn't have time for you.
My choice: LOVE IT 4EVER

Question 2: I was given a list of emoticons to choose from, but given no further instructions.
My choice: =-)

Question 3: Do you love Justin?
My process: Unlike the candy question, those quiz-takers who could not in good conscience proclaim undying love for Justin Bieber were given a choice, although one that, I feel, because of the inclusion of an explanation point, was needlessly cruel. I was forced to choose this answer though, but I did so not out of spite but because me and Mr. Bieber have never met nor have I listened to even one of his songs to completion.
My choice: NO!

Question 4: Do u have Justin Bieber posters?
My process: Again, like the inquiry into one's level of candy enjoyment, the answer choices provided were insufficient for casual Bieber fans or those who seriously couldn't give less of a shit and are taking this ridiculous quiz to use as fodder for their blog. One of the choices was literally "over a MILLION BILLION!!!!!" My final answer was only half accurate, but I did the best I could do.
My answer: Not even 1! Parents don't allow.

My process: Ah, the first question of the feature that borders on the psychotic. I don't know which is worse: any of the answers that are basically "yes, of course I would give up a relationship with a friend to be with Justin Bieber, a 15-year-old young man who I will in reality never meet or lose interest in when the next pop douche rolls off the pop douche assembly line" OR the "I'm not going to give up my best friend, but I do want you to know that Justin Bieber is my absolute everything, ok?"
My choice: RU KIDDING? NO!

Results: he loves ur name just the way it is!

Wait, WHAT?! I answer all of your questions openly and honestly and Justin doesn't even give me a nickname? BULLSHIT! I've got a nickname for you, Justin Bieber! Little Mister Time Waster! How do you like that?
Quiz #2

VivianandGary I just took "ok u just broke up with JUSTIN BIEBER and u leave..." and got: wow u really care and love for him! Try it:

Quiz's Full, I'm-Totally-Not-Making-This-Up Name: ok u just broke up with JUSTIN BIEBER and u leave him in the middle of the road and a HUGE TRUCK HITS HIM! WHAT DO U DO?

Question 1: u saw what was seen what do u do
My choices: leave him there; run up to him and scream "OMG JUSTIN!"; IDK; IDK
My process: I understand that watching someone be flattened by a truck while you look on may shock you into a catatonic state in which you honestly do not know what to do, but really, random quiz-creating middle school girl with braces, two IDKs? Also, "leave him there" is much too cruel of an option. Sure, we just broke up, but that doesn't mean I want the young man to be run over by a truck.
My choice: run up to him and scream "OMG JUSTIN!"

Question 2: when u try to help him up (cuz the truck hurt his leg really bad) u start fallin what goes on
My choices: shove him off ewwwwwww; IDK; well im on top of him.....MAKE OUT FEST; IDK
My process: OK. I don't know where to start with this one. First of all, you are helping him up, right, because his leg was badly injured? You've got to be happy that he's only suffered a leg injury. The boy was hit by a damn truck, for Pete's sake! This is nothing short of a miracle. That being said, should you really move him? Maybe he has suffered some internal injuries of which you are not aware. Secondly, if you are helping him up, how is he simultaneously falling on you while you're falling on him? That's a poorly thought out question, sister. Thirdly, why, after you've just broken up with Justin Bieber and then witnessed him being hit by a truck, would you suddenly feel it appropriate to start making out with him? Also, what if for the previous question you'd taken the heartless route of leaving Justin to suffer and die, alone, in the middle of a busy highway? Would you make out with him then? If so, how? You can't leave someone and dry hump them at the same time. Perhaps I'm giving this too much thought.
My answer: IDK

Question 3: the doctor says that they need to take JUSTINS leg off what do u do
My choices: scream ISNT THERE ANYTHING BETTER! then run and go hug justin; go YES!; IDK; IDK
My process: Attention: If your daughter created this quiz and posted it to the internets, please get her professional help as soon as possible. She is spending way too much time alone inventing Justin Bieber death fantasies.
My choice: go YES! (I mean, c'mon, it's probably for the best. That being said, wouldn't Justin's family or Justin himself be more likely to make the final call on this one? Why would a doctor listen to the opinions of some strange 31-year-old man hovering over a 15-year-old boy whose leg just got shattered in a hit-and-run accident? Like I know anything.)

Question #4: YAY JUSTIN IS BETTER! what goes on (and he keeps his leg)
My choices: IDK; go DAMN!; be so happy for him; IDK
My process: Ridiculous.
My choice: be so happy for him

Question 5: u 2 make out and ur mom and his mom walk in on it what do u do
My choices: keep frenchin him; IDK; kissing we werent kissing; slap him
My process: There's really only one answer I can choose here and it's "IDK." I mean, I really don't know what I would do if my mother and Mrs. Bieber walked in on me and Justin Bieber locked in a loving embrace. What could I do? It'd be a really weird situation, I think. I don't know. I don't want to talk about this question anymore. I feel icky.
My choice: IDK

Results: wow u really care and love for him (damn what next u get pregnant with his kid or what?)

What the hell? How do my answers in any way reflect a desire to carry Justin Bieber's love child? I merely acted how any concerned citizen who has just witnessed a horrible pop star accident would act. Let's forget the fact that this unfortunate chain of events started with Justin and I breaking up and look at this sensibly: Bieber was hit by a car, I showed some damned concern, and he healed up nice. Let's not take things to an unseemly place, all right.

NEXT TIME: Something about Justin Bieber and I on roller-skates AND I nurse Justin back to health...AGAIN!

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GEP Best of...: When Duggars Roamed the Earth

Remember when the Duggar family was a thing?  What?!?  They still are?!?  Have any of my Doomsday prophecies from this 11/10/2008 post come true???  If so, how are you reading this?  Under your bed, hidden from the Thought Police, mutants bred by the Duggars to keep everyone in line and thinking happy thoughts?  If not, it's only a matter of time before the Duggars destroy us all.  You've been warned.  Twice now!

The greatest threat to the future of America is not the faltering economy, escalating acts of terrorism, or the AIDS virus--it's the Duggar family! I'm serious, my friends. We have got to prepare ourselves for the inevitability of an infestation of Duggar offspring across this great land, a plague of polite, smiling do-gooders bent on enslavement of the United States and her people. Don't believe me? Jim Bob Duggar, the patriarch of the Duggar brood, has already run for office once and what's stopping him from doing it again and again and again?

There are currently 18 Duggar children, the oldest of which has just gotten married. His wife may be pregnant as I write this. Who knows? What if he decides to impregnate his young bride again and again until he too has bred a small army of creepy, hymn-singing, science-fearing, home-schooled automatons? Who will marry next? Jinger? Jenna? Janice? Is there one even named Janice? The next generation of Duggars could be 324 children strong and in twenty years there's no telling what horrific fate lies in store for society.
One thing is for sure: someday a Duggar will be President of the United States. It's inevitable. And once the first Duggar president gets a taste of power, nothing will stop the next one from stepping forth and taking the reigns after four years, and on and on, until we find ourselves living under some kind of Duggarocracy. It's almost too horrifying to imagine.

And what policies will our Duggary overlords inact upon us? Here's just a glimpse into the horrible future that awaits us if the Duggars someday come to power:

1) Not only will prayer in school be reinstated, it will be enforced. Anyone caught not praying to the appropriate deity will face expulsion and possible prosecution.

2.) Evolution will no longer be taught in school as it will now be considered heresy. Creationism will be taught as fact and the Bible will be used as the standard Science textbook. In fact, the Bible will be your child's only textbook and class will be held around large kitchen tables.

3.) All married couples will be required to have as many children as the woman's uterus can handle. Menopause or death are the only valid excuses for not being pregnant at any given time.

4.) And don't even think about gay marriage. All couplings that cannot naturally produce offspring will be made illegal, and masturbation (which will now be considered abortion, which will also be made illegal) will carry a mandatory 30 year prison sentence.

And if you step out of line, you get a paintball in the face!
Meet your future president!
How can this hopeless future be avoided? Well, first, someone needs to get a rock'n'roll CD or a Marvel comic book into the hands of just one of the Duggars. If one can be convinced that secular material will not hurt you, turn you into a raging pervert or a godless heathen, then there is hope. Second, you can stop watching their TLC program 17 Kids in Counting

Yes, it's cute and funny to see a family with 17 kids go about their daily lives (look at how much Cookie Crisp they go through! OMG--have you ever seen so many sippy cups?), but they are spreading a dangerous message, a message of rampant pregnancy and mind-numbing family togetherness. If you're a mature individual with a grip on reality, go ahead and keep watching, but realize there is a whole audience of yahoos out there who eat this shit up, cling to it.

But I'm afraid it will all be for naught because the Dugger revolution is coming. They seem like nice enough people, I guess, so maybe it won't be all bad. In the spirit of accepting the Duggars for who they are (and what they will become), GEP would like to offer the following list of name suggestions for any Duggars that come falling out of Ma Duggar's vagina in the near future:

Jasper, Jim-Jam, Jaunt (may already be taken by the Palins), Jingles, Jaslene, Jigsaw, Jeorge, Jump, Juniper Lee, Jibbers, Jose, Jokey, Jasmine, Jerk Chicken, Jersey, Jalopy, Jackanape, Jackson Rod Stewart, J J, Jables, Jinx, Jiraffe, J-Dawg, Juke, Journal, Juice-box.
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Tuesday, February 12, 2013

GEP Best of...: Dress Your Loved Ones in Fishnets and Hooker Heels

Originally posted 5/25/2011.

There was an interesting (?) article on Yahoo last week about a woman who was dared to allow her boyfriend to dress her for one week. The results were surprisingly dull. The boyfriend didn't really do that bad of a job. The craziest thing he did was give his girlfriend pigtails on Day 7. So edgy!

If the piece proves anything--and I don't even know if it was the author's intention to prove any kind of point--it's that men aren't as clueless as the fairer sex sometimes thinks we are. If asked to pick out outfits for our wives or girlfriends for a week, the majority of men are not going to whip out the fishnets and the transparent hooker heels. We're men, after all, not animals.

Then again, I think the boyfriend in this scenario missed a perfect opportunity to, for lack of a better, infinitely less vulgar term, fuck with his girl. She'd given him a chance to dress her in the aforementioned fishnets and whore shoes, no questions asked. She'd opened the door to all sorts of crazy clothes concoctions and this guy, frankly, dropped the ball. But this is why Giant Electric Penguin exists: to right the wrongs of our misguided brethren (and sistren, when the need arises). With that in mind we present what we think is a much better week of wardrobe choices for BeautyRiot Diva. We hope you agree.DAY 1: TAMPA TEMPTRESS
Why not push the limits right at the top of the week? The first day in any sort of "pick-out-your-girlfriend's-clothes-for-a-week" scenario NEEDS to be something controversial, something bold. Your lady friend has been dared to follow your rules, don any sort of crazy costume you can comprehend. Why not the slutty cheerleading outfit, I ask. This choice shows your significant other that you are taking the dare seriously. It shows you've got team spirit. Go team!DAY 2: THE CLASSY LASSY
There has never been a snazzier dresser in the Marvel Comics Universe than the White Queen. This ensemble is perfect for a romantic dinner, a 10-year high school reunion, or a showdown with the X-Men. Maybe it's just me, but I think a woman looks quite fetching in a furry cape. It probably is just me.DAY 3: RON SWANSON'S DREAM DATE
There is no more important fashion icon these days then popular recording artist Lady Gaga. There is no ingredient more versatile and delicious than beef. Dressing your lady in a steak dress shows that you are hip to current trends in fashion and music and who doesn't want to be hip to things?DAY 4: GETTIN' SQUIRRELY!
Squirrel costumes just make me smile. And if I'm smiling, I know my lady's smiling. Course, I'll have to ask her, as the complete squirrel costume makes emotions virtually impossible to read.DAY 5: YOGA PANTS
Perhaps you feel this choice is better suited for our Perving Out series. Listen, I may be running a comedy blog here, but I'll be damned if I'm gonna let a bunch of close-minded conservative finger-waggers take away my right to celebrate sweet female asses crammed into skintight pants! Good day, sir!DAY 6: COS-PLAYTIME
Cosplay is unfairly maligned by non-creeps, and I think that is unfair. There's nothing wrong with a little cosplay, just as there's nothing wrong with a little light S&M on your birthday. You're telling me your old lady won't feel beautiful dressed as Rosalina, the interstellar princess from Super Mario Galaxy? How could she not? She's got a crown AND a wand. And you don't have to limit your girlfriend to Mario princesses neither. It just so happens that women can look just as classy dressed as Mario, his brother Luigi, or their dinosaur buddy Yoshi. You see, the possibilities are endless.DAY 7: HOLLYWOOD DREAM COME TRUE
Hell, it's day seven: get stupid crazy. Your girl will never expect an Eddie Murphy-style fat suit, but there you'll be, with a team of make-up artists, ready to make your lady's Hollywood dreams bear fruit. Millions--well, hundreds, at least--are delighted by Murphy's farting fatties and now your sweetheart can experience the same love and admiration. If only for a day.

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100 Songs I Love: Should I Be Embarrassed? (134-138)

I didn't watch the Grammys on Sunday night--though I am "fully aware of"* Katy Perry's dress--because I actually like music.  I think I've proven that fact by naming and commenting upon over 100 songs that I have "more-than-friends" feelings for on this very blog.  However, today's entry may cause some of you to question the validity of that statement.

I've been very upfront about my recent love affair with Top 40 radio and the endless stream of cookie cutter pop that it dispenses and that I, in turn, gobble up like drug pills.  I've never taken any illicit drugs, so I can't readily compare the experience I get from hearing a particular song to that of ingesting a specific drug, but if I had to guess I'd say it's probably akin to bath salts.  Yep, a good pop song makes me want to attack a defenseless homeless man and eat his face off.  Wait.

Anyway, here are five songs that I am absolutely not embarrassed about liking (well, one I kinda am).  I hope you won't think less of me, but if you do, please feel free to throw yourself into an active volcano.

134. "I Wanna Go" (Britney Spears)

Why I Should be a Little Embarrassed: It's Britney Spears.  I mean, she's little more than a pretty, singing computer by this point.  I don't have anything against her personally; she's never done anything to hurt my family (snubbed my niece at an autograph signing; pushed my grandmother's coffin into oncoming traffic; punched me in the balls and said, "Nice vagina, Baldy," etc.) and her personal life is of no concern to me.  She's just kind of talentless, I guess.

Why I'm Not Embarrassed: Is it hackneyed to say "It's got a good beat and you can dance to it?"  I feel like that is a shitty explanation.  I could get into the weird minutia of the song if you'd like.  I like the stutter-thing ("I-I-I wanna go-o-o all the way-ay-ay...").  Does that have a name?  There's another song on this list that features the same thing.  I am notorious (infamous?) for enjoying any sort of elecronicy bloop or bleep in a song, and I think the stutter-thing (seriously, there's got to be a better name for it) fits into that somewhere.

Also, it's got a good beat and you can dance to it.

People I Know Who Also Like This Song: My mom.

135. "About You Now" (Miranda Cosgrove)

Why I Should be a Little Embarrassed: I'm a 34-year-old man, not a 12-year-old girl.

Why I'm Not Embarrassed: Dammit, this song is catchy!

Some Thoughts on the Video:  First, they really should have put a roof on that performance space or filmed the video in the Spring or Summer.

Second, the young men in Miranda Cosgrove's band are way too excited about being in Miranda Cosgrove's band.

And, third, Miranda Cosgrove's musical performance is just as dead-eyed as her acting performances have been over the years, so, at least she's consistent.

136. "Blackout" (Breathe Carolina)

Why I Should be a Little Embarrassed: This is the one.  I am legitimately embarrassed that I like this song.  Look at these guys?  They might be the nicest dudes in the world, but they look like hipster clowns.  And they named their band Breathe Carolina.  What's that all about?  I'm sure it's something totes cool, like a line from Garden State or something, but, ugh.

Why I'm Not Embarrassed:  Out of every song on this list, "Blackout" is probably the best example of the kind of pop I seem to (regrettably?) enjoy the most.  There is something about it that speaks to the lizard part of my brain.  Plus, as you may have noticed, it sports that stutter-thing I mentioned earlier.

People I Know Who Also Like This Song:  Literally no one.

137. "Want U Back" (Cher Lloyd)

Why I Should be a Little Embarrassed:  See "About You Now."

Why I'm Not Embarrassed: It's catchy, it's a little snotty (see also: my enjoyment of Ke$ha), and Cher Lloyd is as cute as a button.  

Cute as a button?  I'm 34, not 64.

138. "Beauty And A Beat" (Justin Bieber)

Why I Should be a Little Embarrassed: You know why!

Why I'm Not Embarrassed:  Eff you guys, this is a great song.  And no one (NO ONE!) can break it down to this song like my 19-month-old daughter.  She's got some moves you would not believe!

Some Thoughts on the Video:  Whether or not you like Justin Bieber, pop music or water parks in general, give this video a watch.  It's very innovative.  Seems like it would be pretty difficult to make and Biebs pulls it off, so, you know, give it a chance.

*"fully aroused by"

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