Look, I'm just not going to be happy until I get to the bottom of whatever the hell is happening on Sesame Street. As my daughter's library of Sesame Street books grows, so does the mystery. I know I'm stuck in a shameful spiral that will only lead to heartache and woe, but I can't help myself. I'm a man who craves answers; a man who desires order in a largely chaotic universe; a man who wants to know once and for all: HOW OLD IS GROVER???
I know, I know: he's a puppet, and is, therefore, ageless, but that's not the point and I'm offended by your frankness, person I'm imagining just said this to me. All of the characters on Sesame Street represent an age group, and usually it's pretty easy to figure out which one, but not with Grover. Grover's age is hard to pin down. In one book, he's attending his first day of kindergarten (with the likes of Bert and Ernie, who, as I've said previously, are obviously old college buddies and not kindergarteners). In another, he's apparently a doctor. On TV, Grover has been depicted as a waiter, an elevator operator, an absent-minded super hero and a world-traveling, trust fund asshole, activities a kindergarten aged child or well-educated doctor could or would never have time to pursue. So, how old is Grover and what is he up to???
I still don't know how old he is, but I found the answer to what he's up to this morning in my daughter's latest favorite, Murray's First Book of Words. Grover is a transvestite:
I, for one, applaud Grover's choice to live his truth. Look at that smile! Look at the confident stride! Grover feels comfortable doing his weekly grocery shopping in a pink sweater, purple slacks, and a blond wig and he's not afraid to show it. You go, Grover!
That being said, there is no way a kindergarten aged Grover is walking around town dressed as a member of the opposite sex, buying groceries. No one would let their kid do that. I mean, sure, Elmo is always hanging out on front stoops or at Hooper's Store without supervision, but his parents' are known alcoholics who spend the majority of each sunny day on Sesame Street in a drunken stupor.
So, I guess, Grover is still a riddle to be solved. I'll crack this Grover Conundrum someday, I know I will, dammit!
Oh, by the way, why in the hell is this happening?:ZOE IS THREE-YEARS-OLD!!! WHY IS SHE DRIVING A FIRE TRUCK??? WHY IS SHE EMPLOYED WITH THE SESAME STREET FIRE DEPARTMENT??? YOU'RE TELLING ME SHE PASSED ALL THE NECESSARY TESTS TO SERVE HER COMMUNITY AS A FIRE FIGHTER? BULLSHIT!
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