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Friday, May 31, 2013

I Know I Shouldn't Eat Thee: Wendy's Pretzel Bacon Cheeseburger

The Holy Grail has been sought after by knights (both wacky and non-wacky) and ruggedly-handsome, globe-trotting college professors alike for hundreds of years.  From the enchanted forests of King Arthur's England, to the deserts of wherever they were in Indiana Jones and The Last Crusade, to the far reaches of outer space, both heroes and villains have quested for this ancient, magical cup that once touched the lips of Jesus Christ.  These grail quests are fraught with dangerous peril and imminent decapitations.  They are quests I can do without.  I mean, c'mon, man, it's a cup.

My "Holy Grails" are typically food items, specifically sandwiches.  I have a Rolodex-style apparatus in my head loaded with weird and amazing sandwiches I've seen on Man Vs. Food, Eat St., and Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives that I hope to sample one glorious day.  All I need is a long weekend, a functional GPS, an iPhone crammed with podcasts and an empty stomach, and I'm good to go.  Let the questing begin.

I'm happy to report, however, that one sandwich on this ever-increasing Must-Eat Sandwiches list I've been compiling, will soon be available to the entire world.  That's right, friends: the Wendy's Pretzel Bacon Cheeseburger is on the way.

I don't know why, but I've always been drawn to sandwiches made with pretzel bread.  I have a feeling that a lot of people are actually.  I mean, I enjoy soft pretzels, sure, but it's not like I spend each day pining for one.  Months have passed in which I haven't once thought about a soft pretzel.  But if I'm at a restaurant and I see a sandwich that uses a pretzel roll in place of the regular old run-of-the-mill sesame seed bun or what-have-you, I'm immediately intrigued.  "A pretzel roll, huh?  Oh, that is fascinating."  Why is it still fascinating to me?  It shouldn't be.  I've had plenty of sandwiches made on pretzel rolls, and most of them have been highly disappointing.  So, why do I still get wide-eyed and dreamy-voiced?  "Pretzel roll?!?  What a world of wonders we live in!"

I have not had a hamburger on a pretzel roll though.  I've had a hamburger on everything else (sesame seed bun; toasted rye bread; Krispy Kreme doughnuts), but somehow the pretzel burger has eluded me. It's not a wild concept born from the demented brain of a genius burger-making weirdo.  It's not like anybody couldn't come up with it.  It's just a bacon (Oh, yeah.  Bacon, right?) cheeseburger on a pretzel.  And I want one.

(Finding a picture of one of these things in the wild is like looking for pictures of Bigfoot, but I did find one here and here.)

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Monday, May 27, 2013

Last 3 Movies: Supersized Edition!!!

Since my last Last 3 Movies feature, I've watched 12 movies.  Let's take a quick look back at them, shall we?  If you recognize any pattern to my viewing habits, let me know.  I think this list of movies accurately showcases my love and respect for the art of cinema in all of its varied forms, but with a weird emphasis on man-eating blob films for some reason.

Film: The Comedy (2012)

Why did I watch this?: Was on my list of films to see last year; was one of many on said list that I, sadly, didn't get to see last year.

The viewing experience:  Not as dire as some online reviewers would have you think.  I didn't think it was as hateful as a lot of other people apparently did.  I didn't even get the impression that it was supposed to be hateful.  Or a comedy, for that matter.  The main character's behavior is, at times, deplorable, but his oddness seems to come from a place of sadness and boredom rather than a general hatred of the human race.  I thought The Comedy was fascinating and sad.  Pointless too, but not to its detriment.

Would it have made my Best of 2012: Honorable Mention, but not the official best-of list.  Too slight.

Film: The Dark Knight Returns: Parts 1 and 2 (2013)

Why did I watch this: Recommended by my brother-in-law; I'm a fan of the source material.

The viewing experience:  There are very few things more awesome than watching Batman and Superman whale on each other.  And Michael Emerson as The Joker is pretty damn genius when you think about it.  
Film: The Evil Dead (1981)

Why did I watch this?: Couldn't get out to see the new reboot/remake/whatever-the-hell, saw this was on Netflix Instant, hadn't seen it in years, so, watched it.

The viewing experience: It's The Evil Dead, dudes.  It's great.  It's no Evil Dead II, but it's great.

Film: Oblivion (2013)

Why did I see this?  First official Father/Son Movie Night of 2013.

The viewing experience:  Tom Cruise is stuck on a mostly-decimated planet Earth with two super hot chicks.  There's other stuff too.

I enjoyed Oblivion a lot more than I thought I would, however, I wouldn't suggest thinking about it too hard after it's over.  It gets exponentially less interesting the more you contemplate every little detail.  Had a couple of all right twists I saw coming and one that I didn't, which is nice in this twist-happy cinematic age we live in currently, so, you know, whatever.

Next Father/Song Movie Night: I've been told I'm seeing Star Trek Into Darkness this week and that I will be seeing it in 3D.  There will also be pizza from Brixx.  I'm cautiously optimistic.

Film: Charlotte's Web (1973)

Why did I watch this?: Father/Daughter Movie Night

The viewing experience: Bittersweet.  Charlotte's Web starts harsh, turns into a bummer and ends largely on a downer.  Plus, the animation is terrible and the songs fade from memory almost the moment they end (Except this song.  This song is awesome!).

My daughter, who turns two-years-old next month, was traumatized by Charlotte's Web in a way I found both heartbreaking and adorable.  After Fern saves Wilbur from being axed to death for being a runt (???) and raisws him to be a fine, upstanding citizen of the barnyard, Fern's dad sells Wilbur to his brother-in-law up the road, thus separating Wilbur from the only friend he's ever known.

As Wilbur is driven off in the back of Zuckerman's truck, I heard a quiet sniffle to my left.  I turned to see my daughter, eyes sparkling with tears, her arms raised, palms turned upwards.  "Where go?" she pleaded.  "Where go?"  Her head then collapsed onto my chest and she melted into full on sobs.  I started tearing up myself.

"Fern and Wilbur are still friends, Q.  Don't worry.  Fern will come and visit Wilbur."  She just sniffed and sullenly sucked her thumb.  Poor baby.  Stupid movie.
Movie: Re-Animator (1985)

Why did I watch this?: Had only seen it once, years ago, and wanted to see it again.  Oh, and it just happens to be totally awesome.

The viewing experience: It's Re-Animator, dudes.  The viewing experience was sweet.

Family movie night: I offer Re-Animator as a choice to my wife and daughter every family movie night, but they have, so far, not chosen it.  I think they'll come around.

Film: Screwballs (1983)

Why did I watch this?: Mentioned on several episodes of The Flop House podcast.

The viewing experience: Five high school perverts compete to be the first to see goody-two shoes valedictorian Purity Busch's sweet, sweet boobs.  Hilarity and boobs ensue.

IMDB Keywords: "bra removing," "woman losing her top," "topless female nudity," "female removes her dress," "female removes her clothes," "yanked off bikini top," "sausage."

(Screwballs will actually be featured for GEP's next Movie Penguin Monday feature, so we'll get into all the sordid details on this one later.)
Film: Creepshow 2 (1987)

Why did I watch this?: I hate the first Creepshow, so what was keeping me from hating its sequel?

The viewing experience:  Creepshow 2 is an horror anthology film, featuring three stories from the Stephen King oeuvre:

"Old Chief Wooden Head" tells the story of a cigar store Indian who comes to life just in time to not save the old couple who have kept him freshly-painted and splinter-free for countless years from being murdered by three local toughs, one of which plans to use the money he's stolen from a nearly-bankrupt  hardware store to start a new life in Hollywood, because that's how that happens.

"The Raft" is about four college coeds swimming out to a raft and quickly being picked off by a hungry blob of some kind.

"The Hitchhiker" makes no sense and is dumb.

Stay tuned: Creepshow 2 is the subject for the first ever Shallow Grave Podcast coming in October 2013.  Stay tuned for more information on that as the air gets cooler.
Film: Iron Man 3 (2013)

Why did I see this?: It's summer movie time, dudes.  Plus, I saw it with Jonathan.  It's kind of our tradition.

The viewing experience:  I liked it.  Didn't care for the precocious kid and the Christmas setting kind of weirded me out for reasons I still can't explain, but there were some solid funny moments, the Mandarin stuff was pretty clever and the full-on robit-vs-human-bomb-dudes battle at the end was a fun crazy time, although...

My biggest issue with Iron Man 3: Tony Stark spent all that time building different iterations of the Iron Man suit, each seemingly more awesome then the last, and in the end, just to make Pepper Potts happy, he blows them all to smithereens?  What?!?

2nd biggest issue: Why didn't he just call up the Avengers to help?  I guess I don't fully understand which super hero jobs are Avengers-appropriate and which are single-character and/or government issues.  Seems like if you've got a bunch of super heroes willing to work together to stop an alien invasion, you could use them to take down a cabal of self-exploding terrorists.  I don't know.  Maybe I'm just an idiot.
Film: The Little Mermaid (1989)

Why did I watch this?: This was a family movie night pick.  Plus, duh, it's a beautiful movie with totally awesome songs.

The viewing experience:  I had a such a crush on Ariel when I was a kid.  Still kind of do.  For me, the hotness chart goes as follows: Asians, redheads, girls who can sing, girls wearing shell bras.

Alternate Title: My daughter called this movie "DiDi" when she picked it out, since that is what she calls her cousin Dakota and Dakota has watched The Little Mermaid roughly 11-thousand times, I think.

This machine turns "regular girls" into "bee girls."  Or something

Film: Invasion of the Bee Girls (1973)

Why did I watch this?: I'll blame the drugs.

The viewing experience: One of the two films I've watched since my oral surgery.  I was flying pretty high on oxycodone when I fired up Invasion of the Bee Girls, so I was in and out.  But, as luck would have it, whenever I was in, a bee girl was naked.  I guess the heart wants what the heart wants and apparently what my heart wanted was oddly-shaped 70's boobs.  And no fancy life-numbing drugs was going to take them away from me.

If you like your conspiracies vague, your hunky secret agents geriatric and not-at-all hunky, your bare bee girl butts splotchy but not unappealing and your bee girl boobs conical, then Invasion of the Bee Girls might be for you.  And, hey, it's a 70's horror film, so there's an attempted rape in there too.  Oh, 70's horror movies and rape.  You truly are a match made in exploitation heaven.  Please stop.

Early 70's-speak: Sex is neither referred to as "making love," "having sex," "makin' whoopie," "screwing," "boning," "banging," "fucking," or "boinking" in Invasion of the Bee Girls.  Sex is referred to exclusively and repeatedly as "balling."  And this is a movie almost entirely about sex.  They saying "balling" A LOT.

Film: The Blob (1988)

Why did I watch this?: The real question is, why has it taken me so long to watch this?  1988's Blob remake is awesome, you guys.  Why didn't any of you tell me???

The viewing experience: The Blob is one of two movies I've watched since having my wisdom teeth out.  Several necessary breaks were taken over the course of the film, stretching the viewing process to almost two whole days.  I had to pause several times to eat (i.e. swallow python-style) food that very much resembled the titular space invader, though most assuredly tasted way better, as well as swallow handfuls of pills, one such pill being the sweet, sweet oxycodone my brain never knew it loved so much.  Plus, as a contributing member of the family unit, even while experiencing severe mouth pain (full disclosure: it hasn't been that bad), I took time out from my Blob watching to help out with chores around the house, give my daughter a bath, and watch a documentary about pizza with my wife.

But, eventually, I reached the end of The Blob and I'm happy to report that it is pretty great.  The story is just as as thin as the original's - however, there is an added twist that I kind of liked and a super weird ending that could've, if necessary, lead to a fairly sick and entertaining sequel - but the special effects were gory and cool.

A note on the review: Every time I've typed the film's title during this review, I've first typed "The Blog" and had to fix it.  Every single time.

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Wednesday, May 22, 2013

100 Songs I Hate (41-43)

I'm having three wisdom teeth removed Friday morning, but I'm fairly certain the pain from hearing the following three songs is way more painful.  At least I have oxycodone waiting for me on the other side of having a trio of unnecessary teeth ripped out of my skull.  The only thing I can imagine that could successfully remove the nightmarish memories of these songs from the hallowed halls of my brain would be a good old fashion trepanning followed by an acid drip.  Or maybe a pair of stainless steel knitting needles applied deep and repeatedly to the eardrums.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that these songs are garbage.  Not only that, but their existence makes me angry.  It's ultimately an irrational anger, but it is a real anger, a pure anger, an anger worthy of those history books dedicated wholly to the history of angry moments (Those exist, right?).  I give you, ladies and gentleman, 100 Songs I Hate.

41. "My Songs Know What You Did In The Dark (Light Em Up)" (Fall Out Boy)

Hey, dudes, didja hear?  Fall Out Boy is back.  And this is the song they're back with.

Wait.  This is the song they're back with?!?

I never cared much for Fall Out Boy.  Maybe it's because they took their name from my beloved Simpsons.  Maybe it's because I saw them perform "Sugar We're Going Down" live on Mtv and it was maddeningly pedestrian ("This is what kids like now?" I remember asking myself aloud.).  Maybe it's because they give their songs titles like "Our Lawyer Made Us Change the Name of This Song So We Wouldn't Get Sued," "Champagne for My Real Friends, Real Pain for My Sham Friends," "I'm Like a Lawyer with the Way I'm Always Trying to Get You Off (Me & You)," and ""The (After) Life of the Party." Or maybe it's just because their music is completely terribly.  It's probably a combination of these things.  But, if you enjoy Fall Out Boy, if Fall Out Boy makes you tap your toes and snap your fingers, go for it.

Hey, early 2000's emo kids, is this really the Fall Out Boy whose triumphant return you've been waiting for?  It can't be.  

"My Songs Blah Blah Whatever Fart Noise" kind of sounds like a song that was supposed to be on a Twilight movie soundtrack, but wasn't finished in time.  

A word on the video: Flame throwers are awesome no matter what musical artist's video they're featured in.  Good on ya, flame thrower at the 2:30 mark.

42. "Carry On" (fun.)

Last year sometime, I tweeted a simple question: "Should I be into this band fun.?"  I honestly couldn't figure it out, so I took it to Twitter.  I knew I was pretty sick of "We Are Young," a song I thought was OK until it moved from my favorite commercial for jeans to every station on the radio, no matter the format.  I considered the possibility that "Some Nights" was "something special," in that it seemed like the most unlikely song to become a pop radio hit, but, wouldn't you know, there it was, every few hours nestled between Rihanna and the Swedish House Mafia.  Then I heard "Carry On."  Question answered.

This sappy, melodramatic bullshit...  Shut up, Nate Ruess!  And get some pants that fit.  Didn't you get any free jeans from that jeans commercial?

Oh, the answer to my question was no.  No, I should not be into fun.. Because they're terrible.  And because that dumb period makes this paragraph look awkward.  Damn you, fun.!  I don't even know how to write this sentence.

43. "Cruise (Remix)" (Georgia Florida Line featuring Nelly)

The internet was abuzz a few months ago about the LL Cool J/Brad Paisley team-up "The Accidental Racist" and how it was dumb and not good and probably a little racist.  In true GEP-style, I largely ignored "The Accidental Racist" phenomenon and wrote something about the television show Splash, probably.  I still haven't heard "The Accidental Racist," but I'm sure it's hilarious and worthy of society's continued ridicule.  However, "The Accidental Racist" has been discussed to death, so I'm highlighting a different country/hip hop mash-em-up: Florida Georgia Line's remix of their song "Cruise," featuring timeless hip hop maestro, Nelly.

"Hey, I know a way we can get the hip kids to give us a chance," Florida Georgia Line lead singer Tex "Mex" Bootspur said to co-lead singer Jessup P. Julep the Third.  "We'll get popular and totally relevant rap star Nelly to join us on a track."

"Great idea, Tex Mex!  Now pass me that thar moonshine!  A ding-dang-doodle-doo!"  Oh, Jessup.  Won't you never learn that moonshine'll make you go blind?

Look, hip hop and country go together like peanut butter and a kid who is deathly allergic to peanuts and just had a bucket of them dumped over his head Carrie-style.  It doesn't work.  Or it hasn't worked.  Yet.  Maybe that's my purpose in life, you guys.  Maybe I'm supposed to bring the worlds of rap and country together.  Maybe I get my wisdom teeth removed and it unlocks some secret corner of my brain that has been laying dormant and suddenly I'm producing killer hip hop-country tracks.  This is exciting.  I'll let you know what happens.

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Thursday, May 9, 2013

I Know I Shouldn't Eat Thee: Arby's King's Hawaiian Roast Beef Sandwich

If you are lucky enough to be my friend on Facebook and/or follow me on Instagram, you know that I love food, delicious food made with quality ingredients, arranged on a plate, in a bowl or between two slices of artisan bread, in an appealing manner meant to trigger one's salivary glands to overflowing.  I love to eat this food and I love to photograph it to share with friends, relatives and former church youth group members I haven't spoken to in years and years.  

If you are lucky enough to know and interact with me in person, you'll know that this love affair with food has, at times, led me to overeat a bit.  I mean, I'm chubby.  I'm not fat-I mean technically I am; I'm fat as shit--but I could stand to lose some weight (Twelve pounds, according to my doctor).  I hide it well, but hiding it doesn't cut it when your clothes don't fit and you've got a kid you'd like to see graduate college someday.

So, I'm making some changes.  I'm going to eat better, eat less.  That's my biggest hurdle: portion control.  When I chomp into something I like, look out, because I'm going to eat, like, a ton of it.  I'm bad at managing my intake when I come across something particularly tasty.

When it comes to the food I snap pictures of, food almost exclusively made by my amazingly talented wife, portion control is the problem.  But, unfortunately, there's another hurdle in my path to eating better, a hurdle cover with grease and a thick, brown crispy coating, and that's fast food.  I'm not immune to its siren song, I'm afraid.  But if I'm going to lose some weight and keep up with my daughter at our first Daddy/Daughter dance, I've got to cut that garbage out of my life.  I can't see abandoning it completely (I do loves me the Taco Bell.), but I've got to cut back.  But looking can't hurt, right?  You can't get clogged arteries from checking out the Sunday coupon section for the latest Domino's deal or McDonald's coupons, right?

And that's why I created I Know I Shouldn't Eat Thee.  Any time I come across a fast food item that captures my imagination, rather than running out to closest location and purchasing a large-sized combo meal version of it, I'll jump on Giant Electric Penguin, lust after it for a couple of minutes, and get back to my day.  Maybe I'll even eat an apple or something.  I won't, however, lick the computer screen.  I also will not-I repeat, WILL NOT-pleasure myself to any of the pictures I post.  That is my promise to you, the God-fearing reader.

Tonight I'd like to take a few minutes to admire Arby's new King's Hawaiian Roast Beef Sandwich.  Now, on the surface, the King's Hawaiian doesn't seem like such a big deal.  It's the same old weird "roast beef" you get on any of Arby's other sandwiches, but with a hip new twist: this "roast beef" is nestled between two pieces of King's Hawaiian bread.  Do you understand what I'm saying?!?  Are you getting the full impact of what this means???

If you've never had a King's Hawaiian roll, first of all, I'm sorry your parents didn't love you.  And, second: dude, they're awesome!  They're so sweet and soft and yummy.  Quite frankly, every sandwich, fast food or otherwise, should be made on King's Hawaiian rolls.  Whenever my mom brought King's Hawaiian rolls to the table, I knew some special shit was going down.  This was some premium bread, man!  Mom didn't break the King's Hawaiian out for any bullshit holiday; King's were for real deal holidays, like Christmas or Easter.  Basically any holiday celebrating Jesus.  You gonna serve Pillsbury Grands at Easter dinner?!?  Blasphemy!  You serve King's, Jack!  

When it comes to Arby's, I like my sandwich no frills.  You can toss your Big Beef 'N Cheddars and your Premium Deli Meat Blah-Blah-Blahs right in the garbage bin!  Slice me up whatever the stuff you are contractually obligated to refer to as "roast beef" when speaking to a customer and shove it in a bun, please. I'll get all the Arby's Sauce I need from the Arby's Sauce pump, thank you very much.  And don't be surprised if you see me working that pump for a little while.  I like Arby's Sauce.  Is that all right with you?

However, the King's Hawaiian Roast Beef Sandwich comes in "regular" and "swiss cheese/brown mustard/fuck-ton o pickles" models.  Pickles on a roast beef sandwich?!?  What the hell have I been doing all my life?  Pile those pickles on, son!

Do I want a King's Hawaiian Roast Beef Sandwich from Arby's?  You bet I do.  Is there an Arby's a mere mile-and-a-half from the home I share with my wife and child?  There certainly is and I think it's open late.  Will I go purchae one immediately following the publishing of this piece?  Of course not.  I've got some dignity.  I may sit here and look at the picture a little bit longer, but then I'll probably lumber upstairs with whatever the dieting equivalent of "blue balls" is, snuggle into bed next to my wife and dream of salads and rice cakes.  Yuck.  Oh, fast food, why must you be poison?  Beautiful, beautiful poison.

Until next time.

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Tuesday, May 7, 2013

An Announcement

By now, you've probably noticed that this is the third Tuesday in a row without a Splash write-up.  Well, I've been doing some thinking.  

First, I thought about how much I fucking hate the television program Splash.  I mean, yeah, it'd be fun to pick a show, watch the whole season/series, and document my journey on Giant Electric Penguin, but, so far, I've had pretty shit luck.  Remember when I tried to watch the original Melrose Place from start to finish?  That was a total disaster.  Turns out, Melrose Place is one of the worst things ever.  It's not even bad-funny, or, rather, it is bad-funny some of the time, but not nearly enough of the time to have kept me interested and/or motivated.  It was often a Herculean task to extract anything humorous from an episode, and in the end, it defeated me, but not in a way that made me feel like a failure, because, honestly, who gives a shit?  Like Melrose Place, Splash had very little raw material to build from.  It shocks me too, dudes.   I mean, a TV show that has Louie Anderson diving into a swimming pool dressed in a variety of embarrassing outfits and dedicating each sad, poorly-executed leap to the men and women of the United States military week after week should be non-stop awesome, right?  It wasn't and isn't.  It's time-wasting garbage for shut-ins, human vegetables, and snarky online bloggers with way more intestinal fortitude than me.  What I'm trying to say is, don't bother stopping by GEP for Splash recaps anymore because there ain't gonna be none.

Secondly, I thought, "Why am I doing this to my wife?"  In fairness, I didn't force her to provide the Wife Quotes of the Night (by far my favorite part of the Splash posts) we've all come to love, but still.  To make said quotes she had to watch said show, and there's no reason I should have subjected that sweet, sweet woman to such pure awfulness.  I'm sorry, honey.  I didn't mean to become history's greatest monster, it just happened without me noticing, somewhere between Kareem Abdul-Jabbar knocking the wind out of himself and Nicole Eggert falling from the high dive like a sack of wet potatoes.  I will never make you watch something that insipid ever again.  Not on purpose anyway.

Thirdly, I thought about all the good I could be doing for the world between the hours of 8:00 PM and 9:00 PM every Tuesday night.  That's a solid hour I was wasting watching Joey Lawrence not say "whoa" (Really, Joey?  You couldn't say it once?  You're too good for 'whoa' now?).  Instead of watching Splash each Tuesday, I could be delivering fresh veggies from my garden to the neighbors I've met; building the sandbox I told my wife I'd have finished by my daughter's second birthday; reading that Superman graphic novel my neighbor lent to me four or five months ago; posting entries for GEP's super popular and not-at-all creepy Perving Out feature (I've been pervin' out to so much stuff recently!!!); putting the finishing touches (i.e. starting) on that novel I've been working  (i.e. not working) on; learning how to change my own oil; reading the Steve Jobs book my dad let me borrow four or five months ago; submitting a catchphrase to Comedy Bang Bang; getting to know my cat on a deeper level; learning how to dive; compiling a list of funny names for dogs.  The possibilities are limited only by my imagination.  And the laws of science.  And those of magic.

So, no more Splash.  Not now.  Not ever.  I think next Tuesday around this time, I'll post a review of Louie Anderson's latest stand-up special, but that'll be as close to Splash as I ever get again.  Oh, and I have chosen a new show to watch in it's entirety, but I'll be revealing that in the next couple weeks, so the less said about it now, the better.

Anyway, that's it.  Good-bye, Splash.  And good riddance.

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Saturday, May 4, 2013

What the WTF?!?: The The Purge Trailer

The first time I saw this trailer for The Purge--coming soon to a multiplex near you as long as you don't live in Salt Lake City, probably--I thought, "This kind of looks like The Strangers (a movie I really like) amped up and sci-fi-icized.  I might give Universal some of my hard-earned money this summer.  I'll might also get popcorn.  Go light on the butter-flavored syrup-goo, please!"

But then I thought about what I'd seen, and, mind you I didn't have to think too terribly long, I came to the realization that The Purge might be the stupidest, most nonsensical movie of not only Summer 2013, but ever in the history of filmed entertainment.  Granted, this is only a trailer, but, in the immortal words of that Cuban guy from I Love Lucy, a show I've never seen more than a minute of and probably never will, "The Purge, you've got some 'splaining to do."

Apparently, in the America of The Purge, unemployment is at 1% and crime is at an all-time low.  And how did we achieve this?  Well, the trailer makes it very clear that the reason things are so super duper in the ol' USA is because of the 12-hour period, one night each year, when all crime is legal.  Yep, because every citizen has been given one night to murder, rape, drunk drive, lie under oath, covet thy neighbors wife, and fornicate with a barnful of livestock, unemployment and crime are nearly non-existent.  What the WTF?!? 

Look, I'm not one of the minds behind the popular Freakonomics series of books (SPOILER ALERT!), so maybe there is some complicated (or uncomplicated) correlation between these things just waiting to be freakonomicked.  I'm a simple man with simple tastes (except when it comes to cheese--I have a very extravagant taste in cheese), so I don't see the connection here.  However, none of that matters when you considered the very next part of the trailer.

In it, Ethan Hawke explains to his family that The Purge, the titular crime-a-palooza, is a way for American citizens to release all of the hatred and violence they keep locked up inside themselves on all of the calendar days that don't end in a moonlit killing spree.  Again, I comically ask, what in the WTF?!?  Nearly everyone in the country is employed and safe from random muggings, sexual assaults and common con-mannery.  What's everybody so angry about?

Lena Headey's character shares a doozy with her family as well, when she implores them to remember all of the good The Purge does for America.  What is she talking about?  There's got to be more going on here, right?  

Another issue I have is why when Hawke's son allows a stranger who is being followed by a group of masked homicidal maniacs, does the lead maniac give the family one hour to hand the stranger over before they break in and kill everybody?  It's purge night, guys.  Why spend an hour twiddling your thumbs when you could be in there hacking people up?  The Purge only lasts 12 hours, and you know Hawke and his family aren't going down without a fight.  Just bust up in the place and crack some heads immediately.  You knows, you might get done in time to rob a 24-hour pawn shop or something.

I can appreciate that the The Purge trailer doesn't give everything in the movie away.  That's uncommon these days.  But, c'mon, The Purge trailer, give us something intelligent to latch onto.  I'm, sadly, left more indifferent than intrigued (I am a little intrigued) by the trailer, so I'll probably just read the plot synopsis, spoilers and all, when some kind soul shares them on Wikipedia.  I will probably eat popcorn while I do so.

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