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Wednesday, January 22, 2014

Smarties: Not Just For Your Mouth Hole Anymore

Remember when you did dumb stuff as a kid, but had the good sense to keep it to yourself or share it with only your most intimate of friends?  For instance, I had a friend in high school who told me one Saturday afternoon about the day he and a friend spent carrying out smoking experiments in his mom's kitchen.  Herbs, spices, Lipton tea: anything that could be dumped onto scrap paper, rolled into a flimsy cylinder and lit on fire, they tried smoking it.  None of it got them high or provided any kind of marginally transcendent moment, but they did it and he told me about it.  And that's it.  I laughed at my friend and we moved on.  We didn't watch a video he made of himself splitting open a tea bag and fashioning a crude joint for himself.  He didn't share with me a phoneful of selfies he snapped while inhaling oregano smoke.  It was a dumb story about two dumb kids doing dumb stuff.

Today's generation--hold on, let me adjust my adult diaper and plop my dentures into a juice glass full of foggy water--document every moment of their lives and share it on social media without a second thought.  It's weird and it'll probably trip some of them up later in life, but it does provide outsiders (i.e. those of us who have aged out and, therefore, cannot possibly fathom what's cool anymore) a window into the shockingly dumb world of the modern teenager.  I mean, we did some dumb stuff back in the late 90's/early 2000's, but nothing this dumb, right?:

Yep, that girl is smoking Smarties.  You remember Smarties, right?  The barely tolerable candy kid-hating humbugs used to hand out at Halloween.  "It's candy!  They'll eat it and they'll like it!"  Up yours, old man I just made up!  The only thing that sucks more than Smarties are the assholes who give them away on October 31st!

Snorting Smarties can't possibly get you high, can it?  If not, what can it get you, other than a super awesome video like the one above?

Last Thursday, parents of students at Portsmouth Middle School in Rhode Island were sent an email warning them about the dangers of snorting crushed up Smarties candy (you know, that chalky-sweet staple of elementary school Halloween parties?).

But here’s the bad part: while it won’t get you high, Smartie-snorting can cause lung infections, bloody noses, and allergic reactions. Oh yeah, it can also invite nasal maggots.

Holy shit!  Nasal maggots!?!  That sounds like some kind of Middle Earth Orc-insect or something!  What the WTF?!?

That last horrifying possibility happens when the crushed and rotting candy stays lodged in the nasal cavity long enough to attract flies into the nostril. The fly can hang around just long enough to lay eggs, which typically come in batches of 75-150 eggs for a common housefly and hatch within a day of having been laid. Believe it or not, the presence of nose-maggots even has a medical name: nasal myiasis. Parents have been warned to watch for kids obsessively scratching their noses as an indication that children may have maggots in their noses. Presumably, parents should also pay attention to whether kids are picking wriggling, white boogers.

If it were closer to April 1st and I hadn't just watched a shit ton of Smarties snorting videos on YouTube, I would think this whole thing was a joke, but apparently it isn't.  I've got to believe that once the notion of "nose maggots" spreads among the general teenage populace, the Smarties snorting craze is going to disappear faster than the Beanie Baby.

Plus, everyone knows you can't get high on Smarties unless you smoke 'em, dog!

1 comment:

Gabe Sealey-Morris said...

That snorting thing is so done. Everyone knows to get really high you untwist one end and shove it up your anus.