There's something new over at the Taco Bell:
This is, unfortunately, not a review of how the Taco Bell Grilled Stuft Nacho tastes. Like most people at the beginning of a new year, my wife and I have made a new commitment to healthy living and eating better in 2014. We are compiling a month-by-month list of changes we'd like to make, and since January is the month of "No Fast Food," a genre of food greatly enjoyed by both of us, it looks like I won't be sampling the latest taste sensation from the Taco Bell test kitchens. Without actually eating it though, I'd guess the Grill Stuffed Nacho kind of sucks, since the last Taco Bell innovation I tried that incorporated Fritos into the mix, was a rousing disaster. The Fritos were soggy, man, and there ain't nothing worse than soggy Fritos, aside from, you know, believing that Taco Bell is still a viable source of nutrition after exiting your teenage years.
No, I want to talk about this commercial. Analyze the balls out of it, if you will. What is this? What's going on here? Why is this happening? In essence, what the WTF?!?
1) At the top of the ad, the Narrator asks, "Why would you ever need nachos on the go?" The answer is quite simple: You wouldn't. Ever. Nachos are meant to be enjoyed in a sports bar with friends or alone, pantless, in your kitchen after a late night pantry scavenge. We actually provided a Make-Your-Own-Nachos situation for my daughter's birthday last year, and it was an amazing success. So, yeah, nachos mean it's time to sit down and eat; be creative with your choice of toppings, but then find a place at the table or on the couch or in front of a sporting event (live or televised--it makes no difference) and eat. If something comes up (the house spontaneously bursts into flames; a riot breaks out in the stands; sharknado), you run for it or take cover, leaving the nachos behind. Nachos are easy to make, so, after the danger passes, you can probably make a new plate pretty damn quick.
2) But, OK, fine, the young man in this commercial found himself in a situation that forced him to "run for it," and he was lucky enough to have purchased a Grilled Stuft Nacho. My question is this: Why does he have a Grilled Stuft Nacho in the first place? Did he purchase it to show to his girlfriend? Like, did he hear about the new Stuft Nacho at Taco Bell, perhaps via a dumb ad like this one, and immediately call his girlfriend. "Hey, I'm thinking about picking up one of those new Grilled Stuft Nachos from Taco Bell. Want me to bring it over and show you? Wait. Hold on. Are your parents there? They're going out? Perfect! I'll be over soon. With the Grilled Stuft Nacho. To show you. Hanging up the phone now. Bye."
When you were in high school, why did you go over to your girlfriend's house while her parents were out? To present her with fast food novelties? Of course not. You went there to finger her. I'm sorry. Is that crass? I can only speak my own truth, I guess, and that's what I was into when it came to visiting my high school girlfriend. When her parents are out and the two of you are alone in the TV room, you put on a movie that you both know you aren't going to watch more than five minutes of, you make out for twenty minutes and then you finger. That's my experience, man. Maybe I didn't do it right. Maybe I was supposed to bring bags of food over to her house.
3) How stupid are this young man and his unseen girlfriend? Were her parents really out for the night? I submit that they were about to leave, SUV still in the garage, Mom putting on her seat belt, when Dad suddenly remembers, "I left the tickets to the ballet on the counter. Sorry, hon. I'll be right back." Then, BOOM, Dad goes inside, sees our young hero and his sweet, innocent daughter tucking into a Grilled Stuft Nacho and freaks out. After all, he told her no boys in the house. How else do you explain the fact that only one bite has been taken out of the Stuft Nacho in question? They only got one bite in before the parents "came home early?" Bullshit! I can down three Taco Bell soft steak tacos and a Mexican pizza in a minute-and-a-half. They can't dual eat half a Grilled Stuft Nacho before Daddy comes home?
4) And why is this dad so made? Granted, as the father of a daughter, I am not looking forward to the "teenage dating" phase of her life (Luckily, she's two right now. I have a long time to prepare.), but I can't imagine being so bent out of shape upon walking in on her and a boy sharing a taco. I mean, he's chasing this poor bastard down the street. "I strictly forbid my daughter from eating meat that isn't really meat! Plus our religion forbids us from eating food stuffed into other foods! How dare you bring this into her life! I must kill you!" C'mon, Dad!
5) And, seriously, why is this kid so happy? There was clearing not enough time for a good old fashioned fingering. Is it because he gets the whole Grilled Stuft Nacho to himself now? I could buy that.
Look, if the Grilled Stuft Nacho makes it to February, I promise to give it a try and review it on the pages of Giant Electric Penguin. For now though you'll have to be content with next week's Tribute to Tofu, a week-long series I dread more each passing day.