Like the old saying goes, fighting with someone on the internet is like the Special Olympics: everybody gets a participation ribbon. And because I love ribbons so much, participation or otherwise, I’ve decide to heap yet another regular feature onto the deep and moldering pile of regular features regularly featured on the pages of Giant Electric Penguin. This feature is called Fight, Fight, Fight!—you remember the ancient chorus of yore, when five to ten middle schoolers would form a circle around two other middle schoolers, and a pushing match would ensue—and concerns your intrepid Editor-In-Chief (i.e. me) picking a (mostly) petty fight with a faceless stranger on the internet. Most likely, this fellow blogger/clueless celebrity/out-of-touch company will never know that we’re fighting, and that’s OK. This isn’t about solving the world’s problems or reaching an understanding with a fellow human being. Fight, Fight, Fight! is strictly about getting pissed off about something that (mostly) doesn’t matter and writing funny swears about it. So, circle up, jerks! I’m ready to fight.
And for my first internet scuffle, I’ve chosen something I recently read on everybody’s favorite Web site for nostalgia lists and sit-com personality quizzes, Buzzfeed. If you somehow aren’t aware of it, Buzzfeed is Web site that allows your Facebook friends to discover the colors of their auras by answering a short list of questions about what qualities they look for in a mate, where they like to vacation and what kind of kitten pictures they prefer. It’s also a place chock full of super fun lists that make people who grew up in the 90’s want to kill themselves.
Buzzfeed, apparently, also enjoys giving individuals a platform to practice hate speech, like this guy who hates pineapple on his pizza. In fact, he so desperately hates Hawaiian-style pizza, he refers to it as an “insult to humanity.” Deliciousness is an insult to humanity now?!?
For the record, Hawaiian-style pizza (ham and pineapple) isn’t my first choice. I’m a pepperoni-onion-extra sauce kind of guy. I’m also a "I’ll-basically-eat-any-kind-of-pizza-you-throw-at-me" kind of guy. I’m a pizza guy, all right. I love pizza. Hawaiian pizza is, however, often the first choice of my wife, so, when you attack Hawaiian pizza, you attack my wife. And when you attack my wife, you attack me. And when you attack me, you get a strongly-worded, mostly-jokey blog post about it.
Before I get back to tearing this Hawaiian pizza-hating pile of human garbage a new pizza piehole, I’d like to sing the praises of a pineapple-jalapeno pizza. That is a taste sensation I encourage you to experience. Back to this jerk.
You’re wrong, buddy! Pineapple on pizza is, if anything, a celebration of humanity, a monument to human ingenuity. The truly offensive pizzas are the ones you’ve included in your list as weird pizzas people like. You won’t come down on people who bake corndogs into their pizza, but someone sprinkles a few fresh pineapple chunks on their pie, and you call for his death? Is that what you want, man? Do you want all of me and my Hawaiian pizza-eating brethren to die in a hastily-constructed, gulag-style prison camp without running water or fruit for our pizza? You don’t come right out and say it, but it’s implied.
Also, this is all you need to do to get on Buzzfeed? It’s not even clever. Or funny. I don’t get it.
Look, this is America. We don’t all have to agree on pizza toppings. Different countries regulate pizza in different ways, but because we live in the proverbial Land of the Free, we are allowed to toss all kinds of crazy shit onto our pizzas, from pine nuts to bean sprouts, from Peking duck to eel bacon. But let’s not be pizza bullies either. As a society, we are encouraged to go nuts with our pizza toppings, as this is often the only area in modern life that allows unbridled creativity, what with schools dropping art classes left and right (That’s still a thing, right?). When you tell a nation full of sweet, innocent children—won’t you think of the children?!?—that they are somehow less of a person because they enjoy the sweet taste of pineapple atop their pizza, you are nothing more than a common bully, a violent thug, pretty much a Nazi. And Nazis have no place on the pages of Buzzfeed, do they? If the answer is yes, I’m afraid I’ll have to take my curiosity as to which late-80’s cartoon character I am elsewhere.