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Wednesday, April 23, 2014

Getting to Know Me: Part 1 - Invasion of the Floating Pizza Cubes

I've felt a little lost lately.  There is a certain ennui that comes with growing older.  You wonder what you could've done different.  You start to recognize the name of every celebrity that dies.  Your farts come a little quicker in succession.  You ask yourself, "Who am I, really?"  Luckily, Buzzfeed, purveyors of fine time wasting quizzes and dumb lists since 2006, has made that journey of self-discovery all the easier with their latest offering: 13 questions that will tell you "everything you need to know about yourself" from now until forever.  Upon finding this collection of questions guaranteed to help me know me better, I decided it would be best to bring you, the loyal readers, along with me, and answer them in real time.  Full disclosure:  I did answer the first question and check out what my answer revealed yesterday, before deciding it would be best to save it for the blog.  I will, however, answer the first question with that same answer in the spirit of honesty and fun.  It should also be noted that while Giant Electric Penguin's posts are usually humorous in nature, I will be answering these questions as honestly and seriously as it is humanly possible to do when using Buzzfeed as tool for self-actualization.  Whether or not this makes the post funny and entertaining remains to be seen.  So, here we go!

This test asks you to imagine several images and then reveals the subconscious meaning behind every image.  Make sure you have a clear picture in your head before you click to reveal!

Imagine you're walking through a desert and you see a cube.

1.) How big is the cube?

My answer: roughly the size of an adult cat

The subconscious meaning: The size of the cube (in relation to the desert) represents the size of your ego.

Personal reflection:  I'm imagining a pretty vast desert, so a cat-sized cube in relation to a vast and seemingly unending desert probably means I have my ego in check.  Maybe we find this out later in the exercise, but why am I wandering around in a desert?  Personally, I would never do this, as I am averse to extreme heat conditions and locations primarily made up of sand (the beach part of the beach, for instance).  I don't want to get ahead of myself though, so let's keep going.

2. What material is the cube made out of?

My answer: pizza

The subconscious meaning: The transparency of the cube shows how open you are to other people.  If the cube is glowing, that means you're optimistic, but if it isn't, it means you're more reserved.

Personal reflection: I'm not imagining a transparent pizza--not sure how that would even work--but I certainly don't feel that I'm closed off to other people.  I wouldn't necessarily describe myself as a "people person" either, so maybe there's some truth here.  I also wasn't imagining a glowing cube of pizza, but I'm also not sure if "reserved" is the opposite of "optimistic" either.  What kind of pizza makes up my pizza cube, you ask?  A Pizza Hut Supreme Pizza.  Not my favorite pizza out there, but what I pictured.

3. Is the cube touching the ground?

My answer:  the pizza cube is hovering about 3-feet off the ground.

The subconscious meaning: The closer to the ground the cute is, the more grounded you are as a person.

Personal reflection:  This one seems about right.  I'm pretty grounded, but I allow my mind to take frequent flights of fancy.

Ok, so somewhere near the cube, imagine a ladder.

4. Is it leaning against the cube?

My answer: nope

The subconscious meaning: If the ladder is leaning, it means your friends can lean on you for support.

Personal reflection:  C'mon, Buzzfeed!  My friends know they can lean on me for support.  How can you penalize me--and that's how I feel when an online quiz makes me imagine a floating cat-sized pizza cube in the middle of a desert with a ladder next to it and then suggests that I'm shitty to my friends--when it simply doesn't make sense to have a large wooden ladder (what I imagined) leaning on a medium-sized Supreme Pizza cube which is magically hovering merely 3-feet off the ground?  I'm losing faith in this exercise.
What does choosing this particular desert picture for this post say about me?  I think the palm tree shows that I'm a party animal.

5. How far away is the ladder from the cube?

My answer: couple feet

Subconscious meaning: The distance between the ladder and the cube reveals how close you are to your friends.

Personal reflection: OK.

6. What is the ladder made out of?

My answer: wood; the ladder is also old and kinda weather-beaten

Subconscious meaning: The sturdier the material, the stronger your bond with people is.

Personal reflection:  For the record, the ladder I imagined was once very sturdy, but has since grown quite rickety.  Is this exercise going to reveal that I'm a sociopath?  I'm getting nervous.

Well, that's about all the self-discovery I can muster for now, but tune in to Part 2 later in the week to find out whether I deserve to continue living among polite society or if I need to be locked up Minority Report-style for crimes I may one day commit.

Next time: A storm is a-brewin'!  And something about a horse!

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