On Wednesday, I began answering 13 questions, posted to Buzzfeed by Buzzfeed staff member Julia Pugachevsky, that promised to give me important insights into what kind of person I am. At the conclusion of Part 1 of this test taking endeavor, it appeared that yours truly would probably be exposed as a rampant sociopath, seeing as though I took issue with the logic of leaning a large, wooden ladder on a magical, cat-sized cube of pizza (It simply wouldn't work!). Today, I intend to finish the test and come to terms with the monster that is Matt Lawson. Or perhaps I'll find out that I'm just a normal guy with a mild pizza obsession. Either way, I'm taking you guys with me as I answer the remaining questions in real time and with all seriousness. All right then. Hit me with Question #6, Pugachevsky!
Great! Now picture a horse next to the ladder-cube-thing.
Hold on! When did the hovering pizza cube and wooden ladder laying in the dirt become a "thing?" Like, have the pizza cube and ladder somehow melded together to form some kind of sentient abomination? Is this "ladder-cube-thing" going to hurt me or, as I am its Creator, is it here to do my bidding or, dare I say, worship me as its god? I'm going to assume Ms. Pugachevsky means "ladder-cube-situation" and move on.
7. Is the horse tied to anything?
My answer: no
Subconscious meaning: The horse being tied up signifies your need for control in a relationship.
Personal reflection: This one is pretty spot on, even in the fact that I often liken relationships, romantic or otherwise, to horses in private conversation. It's just a weird thing I've always done, that kind of feels justified now that I'm taking this test.
8. Is the horse wearing a saddle?
My answer: I'm picturing a wild horse that kind of just roams the desert looking for fellow desert-wanderers to inspire and floating pizza cubes to munch on, so no
Subconscious meaning: If it is, it means you prefer to be the dominant partner in your relationship.
Personal reflection: Again, spot on. This horse stuff is really making sense.
9. What is the horse doing?
My answer: staring at me as if to say, "Mind if I take a nibble of this pizza cube? It's just floating here."
Subconscious meaning: The wilder the horse, the more unpredictable and exciting you want your relationships to be.
Personal reflection: I certainly do not want my relationships with people to be boring, but I have reached a point in my life where I want/need stability in realationships, which I have. I think there is a sense of excitement and danger in my answer, I mean, the horse doesn't know if I'm going to let him take a bite out of the cube or not, but the horse is also just staring at me. He isn't running around in the sand or doing backflips or reciting Shakespeare or anything. He's just a hungry horse in the desert, which is exactly what I look for in a meaningful relationship.
Cool. (Really? Thanks, Buzzfeed!) Now, imagine flowers somewhere in the scene.
10. How many are there?
My answer: I'm imagining a substantial clump of flowers in a professionally-constructed round garden surrounded by a low brick wall. I'd say there are close to 50 or 60 flowers of varying kinds.
Subconscious meaning: Flowers represent children. The more flowers, the more children you want.
Personal reflection: Wrong! I want exactly one child, and I have exactly one child. I simply enjoy flowers in a well-tended flower garden. I'm not sure if I should continue taking this test as it has just been proven to be a sham. I'll soldier on for the good of the bit, but I'm not happy about it.
11. Where are the flowers in relation to the cube?
My answer: the horse is on the right side of the cube with the ladder, and the flowers are on the left side of the cube
Subconscious meaning: The closer the flowers are to the cube, the more you're thinking about having children.
Personal reflection: I've already determined the flowers portion of this test to be null and void, so let's just breeze past this one and enter the home stretch. (Not sure there are enough cliches in that sentence.)
Imagine this, but with sand instead of the water. And keep the boat. Can you imagine finding a boat like that just sitting in the middle of the desert. That's some Lost-style shit right there.
Lastly, there's a storm somewhere in the area.
12. Is it threatening you?
My answer: no, in fact, the rain is kind of cooling things down a little
Subconscious meaning: The storm represents stress. If it's threatening, that means you have some obstacles you're trying to work out.
Personal reflection: I, like most of you, do have a certain amount of stress in my life, but I tend not to focus on it or let it get me down. I do this in a couple of different ways: 1) I squeeze all of the stress I experience into a molten-hot little ball and tuck it gently into my rib cage, guaranteeing that it will explode one day, killing me instantly. 2) I mostly ignore stress. It's easy if you keep in mind that most of what we do on a day-to-day basis in this life doesn't matter. That's not the most fun way to think about life, but I find it gives me great comfort when I'm feeling particularly down. 3) I try to stay positive, think happy thoughts. I find it's better for your gutty works that way.
13. And is the storm far away or really close to the cube?
My answer: the storm is all around us, but the rain is light and the breeze is cool and consistent
Subconscious meaning: The farther away the storm, the more chill you are as a person.
Personal reflection: I'm a pretty chill person, so, you lose again, Buzzfeed.
So, what did I learn about myself? Well, nothing via these 13 questions, as they have been mostly a disappointment. I guess I learned that I'm willing to see a bit through even when it starts to get boring at the halfway point. That's something to be proud of, maybe?
Have you taken the test yet? Has it opened your eyes in ways you never thought possible? I mean, I can only imagine two ways one could open one's eyes--the traditional human way and the weird, side-to-side way associated with aliens posing as human being in movies. I encourage you to answer the 13 questions. It only takes a couple of minutes (unless you're writing a two-part blog post about it) and it's not entirely un-fun.