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Thursday, April 24, 2014

STFU Taco Bell, McDonald's and all of you!

What am I supposed to do with this?:

Look, I know what Taco Bell is doing here.  I'm not going to play the willfully-ignorant fool and pretend I don't understand the premise.  Taco Bell found people whose names are identical to that of the mascot for another popular fast food chain, and filmed them eating and enjoying a Taco Bell A.M. Crunchwrap, which I guess is a crunchy tortilla filled with eggs, sausage and hashbrowns.  I get it.  But who cares?  Overweight white men all over the country enjoy crispy things stuffed with salted-meats and fried potatoes.  What a revelation!  

Look, you want a real subversive commercial, Taco Bell?  Here's what you do.  You dress a guy up like a clown, call him Donald McRonald or something and you show him chowing down on an A.M. Crunchwrap.  He's got a big painted smile on his face and he's moaning in ecstasy while he eats it.  Maybe he's jerking off too, I don't know.  I'm not an ad guy.  But having a bunch of guys named Ronald McDonald proves nothing.  Just because your name is Ronald McDonald doesn't mean you are expected to devote yourself wholly to exclusively dining at McDonald's restaurants for the length of your lifetime, which, no offense, ain't gonna be that long if you're exclusively eating at McDonald's restaurants.  None of the Ronald McDonalds in this commercial are associated with the McDonald's Corporation (I assume) or are the actual Ronald McDonald.  THIS COMMERCIAL MEANS NOTHING!!!

Of course, McDonald's felt compelled to respond because who gives a shit:
Is Ronald gonna kill that dog?  This is vaguely threatening, no?  I don't like the way these Fast Food Breakfast Wars are going.  It's getting too personal.

And can we talk about Fast Food Breakfast Wars?  This isn't a thing.  People who eat fast food--and I count myself as a member of this heavy-breathing club--patronize several different fast food restaurants when it comes to breakfast.  I have my favorites, but I haven't pledged my fidelity to any one place.  They are all equally greasy, disgusting and addictive, so, who cares.  The fast food corporations are pumping us full of salt and grease, and isn't that the America Way?  Let's stop these non-existent Fast Food Breakfast Wars and get back to what fast food is supposed to be about: long-term assisted suicide.

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