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Wednesday, May 14, 2014

I Know I Shouldn't Eat Thee: Herr's Deep Dish Pizza Cheese Curls

There are only a few things I love more than pizza--my family; the soothing song of a babbling brook; our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, for example--but pizza-flavored things are an entirely different beast. Most pizza-flavored snacks are gross.  Pizza Goldfish are tolerable, but Pizza Combos are, simply put, the worst junk food snack ever shat into existence.  Like the McDonald's McRib sandwich and any sports drink-style water enhancer, Combos possess a secret chemical compound specially designed to fill my head with nausea and my guts to overflowing with diarrhea.  Oh, I hate Combos so very, very much.

Cheese curls--specifically cheese puffs--vary in quality as well.  Cheetos runs the best cheese curl/puff game in town, but there are a few other brands that do an OK job.  Off-brand cheese curls/puffs usually suffer from a lack of "cheese dust" coating and salt.  There is very little in this life more disappointing than a flavorless cheese curl.  I'd equate it to the death of a beloved pet for those animal lovers in our reading audience.  You're welcome.

Being skeptical of both pizza-flavored things and non-Cheetos-brand cheese snacks, I entered into to today's taste test with trepidation.  

Not really.  I ran into a snack display while picking up some stuff for a Mother's Day breakfast I was preparing for the wife, snatched a bag without half-a-thought, and ate about half of said bag in the car on the way home.  I'm fantastic.
An empty, crumpled bag of novelty cheese curls.  The aftermath of a fat man's snack binge.

I mentioned how skeptical I was above.  That's not entirely true.  You see, I trust the Herr's brand of junk food above all others.  For most of my life, I have been an Utz man.  We couldn't get Utz where I grew up, so every time we visited my relatives in Baltimore, we stocked up on Utz.  My aunt and uncle used to get me bags of Utz potato chips for Christmas.  My mom, sister, grandmother, aunt and I all went on a tour of the Utz potato chip factory in Hanover, PA.  It was amazing, and you got free chips at the end.  I love Utz potato chips to this day, my favorite being the standard barbecue flavor in the bright yellow and orange bag.  That beautiful bag is like a Siren song luring me into the deadly rocks of fatness.  Mmm-mmm!

Then I met my wife, who is from New Jersey, and she ushered me into the world of Herr's.  Here's what turned me.  Utz starting putting out some funky new flavors, so, like the corporate whore that I can sometimes regrettably be, I hopped in line and tried 'em out.  All of them sucked.  On a whim, I began to try their Herr's equivalents, and, wouldn't you know, Herr's pulled it off!  It was Herr's Red Hot and Old Bay potato chips that made me a fan for life. 

I trust Herr's.  If they say they're giving me a deep dish pizza-flavored cheese curl, then I'm ready to believe it.  So, I bought a bag, cracked it open, and began the delicate taste-testing process, by which I mean I crammed fistfuls of cheese puffs into my mouth.
Did you just eat an entire Chicago-style deep dish pizza or is that Herr's Deep Dish Pizza Flavored Cheese Curls you keep burping into my face?

Do Herr's Deep Dish Pizza Cheese Curls taste like deep dish pizza?  I don't know, probably not, but they taste damn good.  They are covered in a thick, salty layer of cheese dust and Italian spices and something I couldn't quite put my taste buds on that aped tomato sauce, which is a big plus.  They also didn't make me feel like I was going to spray vomit out of any of the holes on my body.  I mean, the eating experience was extremely pleasant.  That's probably a less crude way of putting it.  I'm sorry.  My brain is set to go "full crude" most of the time.  I should probably change it up during food reviews.

There really isn't much to say about Herr's Deep Dish Pizza Cheese Curls other than I absolutely love them, so I must now avoid them as if each and every bag is riddled with plague.  I could see myself binging way too hard on these things, and that's the last thing I need right now as I enter my post-Disney trip re-commitment to eat better and losing weight.  But the bag of Deep Dish Pizza Cheese Curls I ate half of on Mother's Day morning, another handful of on my way to pick up a Domino's pan pizza (I know, I know...I'm sorry...I'm sick...) for Mother's Day dinner, and the rest of in my office at work on Monday morning, shall remain a joyous memory in my history of eating salty, cheesy, pizza-flavored garbage.  They get my highest recommend, so AVOID THEM AT ALL COSTS!!! 



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