Sunday, June 29, 2014
I love TV, but sometimes I get the impression that the feeling isn't mutual. In TV Hates Me, GEP looks at the dumb things those of us who still watch television the old-fashioned way have to endure just to get a little entertainment from time to time.
1. This Deliver Us From Evil spot:
Specifically, the "chilling" moment found at the 0:14 mark.
You may have noticed the quotation marks in the preceding sentence. They are present to indicate that I am being sarcastic.
In the annals of horror history, the "spooky" utterance of "ha-ha-hoo" by a plush owl will not only be lost, but non-existent, because it is not scary, but, rather, silly. I have seen the full trailer for Deliver Us From Evil every time I've gone to the movies this summer, and every time that fat little owl falls off the bookshef, turns a somersault and says, "ha-ha-hoo," everyone sitting around me laughs. They don't hide behind their jackets (very few of them have jackets, as it is summer, but still); they don't jump; they don't pee themselves (as far as I know, I mean, I've never detected a urine-smell in the theater after the Deliver Us From Evil trailer has played); and they don't grip the person next to them and burst into tears. They laugh, derisively. Because it's stupid. An every time I see that owl and hear his ridiculous cry, I am reminded how much I don't want to see this movie.
I don't much care for that guy at the end either. Full disclosure, he does make me pee a little.
2. This Coppertone ClearlySheer ad:
I recently downloaded the Crunchyroll app on my new iPhone. For those of you with an active sex life or vast social circle who don't know what a Crunchyroll app is, Crunchyroll is a service that lets you watch a bunch of anime, free and legal. You can also pay some kind of fee and get upgrades or whatever, but who has time for that? I am a free subscriber, which means I have to sit through the occasional 30-second commercial while I watch my anime. That's fine, I get it, but over the past month, I have seen the same three commercials more than it seems is good for one's sanity.
This one, for Coppertone, is particularly egregious for what occurs around 0:24, where the groom sees our hero--she of the former awful but now, because of Coopertone suntan lotion somehow, totes sexy bridesmaid's dress--and does a double-take. But not your standard-issue "Who is that? Oh, that's Pam's friend Suzie from college. I remember her from the rehearsal dinner" double-take, but more like a "Who is that? Oh, that's Pam's friend Suzie from college. I remember her from the rehearsal dinner. I'm probably making a huge mistake marrying Pam. I'm going to let her know when her dad finishes escorting her down the aisle that I'm leaving her for Suzie. Oh, hey, a boner!" double-take. Maybe I'm reading to much into it, but in the words of the "great" Mighty Mighty Bosstones, that's the impression that I'm getting.
Oh, and my suggestion that people who enjoy anime have a hard time getting people to have sex with them is obviously a joke. I'm an anime fan, and I get sex on the reg. Great sex! Crazy great sex! I mean, I am married and I never really revealed the depths of my anime enjoyment to my wife before we got hitched, but, you know, whatever. Anyway, good luck out there with the sex!
3. This hunk of garbage for a product I really like, but now might have to stop using:
This is the worst! Look, you can like the Transformers movies if you want--I've only seen the first one, and a little Hispanic boy sat next to me on the stairs of the theater and sang songs in Spanish for most of its runtime, so who am I to judge?--but no one can enjoy this commercial with a clear conscience, can they? I mean, how does an Oreo cookie replenish and refresh Optimus Prime's strength? Can robots eat cookies? I thought they ate nuts and bolts and oil and stuff. Stuff you'd find in your wife's toolbox. Plus, maybe they eat cookies, fine, but how does one chocolate sandwich cookie give them enough power to jump right back into the fray? When I eat Oreos, I eat, like, four at a time, and all I want to do after is lie down and watch TV. Robots though are ready to fight it up. Plus, how was this kid not crushed by a big chunk of flaming shrapnel? He's so close to that Transformers battle.