For as long as I can remember, I've had an irrational fear of ventriloquist dummies and collector's dolls (i.e. the kind of dolls my maternal grandmother kept on a series of shelves in the spare room my sister had to sleep in when we'd visit). Because of this fear, I, weirdly enough, find myself inexplicable drawn to stories about murderous dolls and dummies with minds of their own (they are usually quite murderous as well). I can't explain it, but I recognize it as a fact, thus I have a greater understanding of myself than most people. I'm terrific.
This week I came across something in the "creepy doll/dummy" oeuvre that I am decidedly not a fan of. Meet online stripper, Veronica Chaos, and her dummy, Slappy. They have sex with each other.
And what kind of show can viewers expect when they visit Chaos n' Slappy's weird, icky corner of the Web?
""We sing a duet and I give him oral sex," she said. "I debated whether I should do full penetration, but it takes a while to get him into me and that's difficult when I'm also singing a song.""
Because it's easier to sing a song with a puppet's wang in your mouth?
You know, as I was writing this, I started to feel bad. Everybody has their own "sex thing." I mean, "puppet on stripper" sex may be the exact thing that gets you off, and that's OK. I don't want people to think I'm some kind of stuffy, conservative, "sex-in-a-bed-and-only-in missionary"asshole. I have fetishes. I have proclivities. In my opinion, Veronica Chaos and her wooden pal are doing the Lord's work.
Luckily, just when I was about to scrap this whole article and adjourn to my bed to watch Super Sonico on my phone (I genuinely enjoy the stories, guys!), I saw the following clickable headline: CREEPY: LONELY GUY TURNS HIS SHOWER HEAD INTO A GIRLFRIEND. You know before when I said whatever turns you on (within reason!!!) is OK? This is not OK.
This dude fashioned a "girlfriend" out of his shower head...
...and proceeded to do this with her:
Because who doesn't enjoy it when his/her significant other vomits a steady stream of warm water onto his/her head? Ick.