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Monday, April 27, 2015

The Force Awakens, I guess?


I want to start by assuring all of you that I like Star Wars.  My level of Star Wars appreciation is nowhere close to those diehards known affectionately within the greater Geek community as "Star Wars Nerds," but I am a fan.  Look, we all have those friends who moan and whine about how "the Prequels" (AKA Episodes 1-3) destroyed their childhood, pooped all over their precious memories and took a lengthy, steaming, pungent piss all over their hopes and dreams.  I'm not one of those.  I saw each one of the Prequels in theaters and thought, "Well, those weren't very good," and I went about my life.  But I'm also not one of those jerks who go, "The reason you didn't like the new Star Wars movies is because they aren't for you.  And the reason you think the Trilogy is so good is because you saw it when you were a dumb little kid.  Watch them again, man!  They suck too!"  Again, I'm not that guy.  I hate that guy, the kind of know-it-all a-hole who purports to know why you don't like something, as if he/she has cracked some code about you to which you are completely ignorant for some reason. I once had a know-it-all dick-bag tell me I didn't like Citizen Kane--which I mentioned over dinner I had seen, and while I understood why it was important to cinematic history, didn't particularly feel passionate about--because it was "old" and "in black and white."  Ugh.

The original Star Wars movies are quite enjoyable.  I watched them a lot when I still had my VCR (I own the original trilogy with none of George Lucas's later embellishments on VHS).  My favorite Star Wars movie is actually the one that before the Prequels arrived, Star Wars super fans appeared to agree was the worst entry in the series.  I'm not even going to include its title here because you Star Wars nerds know which one I'm talking about.  Screw you!  I love it!

Why the preamble?  I simply want you to understand where I'm coming from before you read the proceeding post.  It's been awhile since the latest Star Wars: The Force Awakens trailer was released, but I've watched it, and, well, it's fine.  Before viewing it, I browsed through my Facebook Newsfeed for people's reactions, and I thought I was in for some mind-blowing stuff.  One guy proclaimed that director J.J. Abrams had restored his faith in the franchise and restored meaning to his childhood.  Two people admitted that they had "pooped their pants" while watching the 2-minute teaser trailer.  Oh, man, was I excited.  I even considered purchasing some adult diapers before pressing play.  Then I watched it.  It was fine.  At the end, when Han Solo is standing there all grizzled and cool, obviously, that was amazing, maybe even pants-poopingly so, but the rest of it was, I dunno, fine.  Is that blasphemy?  I think it probably is to those embedded in Star Wars fandom, but in the Star Wards adjacent world in which I exist daily, I think it's fine.  I'm using the word "fine" a lot.  Sorry, but I think it's the best word for the situation I've found myself in.

I think we're probably going to another, longer trailer for The Force Awakens as we approach the release date, and I bet that one will pump me up a little more.  It wouldn't take very much. Honest.  In fact, I've put together a list of things that, if included in this most recent trailer or in any future trailers, would have me joining the Star Wars fans in their pants-pooping excitement:
1. Boba Fett crawls out of the Sarlaac pit, dusts himself off and blasts off into adventure!

2. Following his "Chewie, we're home," line, Han Solo waits a beat and then slips a fedora on his head.  Next he attaches a name tag to his vest that reads "Jack Ryan."

3. Salacious Crumb is revealed to be a Jedi master on par with the late Yoda.

4. We revisit the Ewoks and find that they have developed a more advanced culture with lasers and giant robotic death machines.  During a friendly chat with some of his old Ework chums, Luke Skywalker accidentally comes across plans for an Ewok-designed Death Star.

5. The new super scary Sith lord: Smaug!  And he's got a light saber for ever color of the rainbow!  And they are attached to a metallic bo staff by laser chains!  And when he spins it around, it creates a vortex of death!

6. Ball Droid is an alcoholic, and we see him at a droid AA meeting.

7. A Wookie strip club, because, like, what would that be???

8. Krang!

As you can see, it wouldn't take much to get my Star Wars juices flowing.  Regardless, I'm going to see this movie.  It'll probably be with my dad and we will definitely go out for pizza afterwards.  So, no matter how things turn out, I'm having pizza, and that's always good.

TL;DR: In a world where the Mad Max: Fury Road trailer exists, who could give a shit about anything else?!?


1 comment:

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