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Tuesday, June 2, 2015

Hey, Bush's Baked Beans Guy, Take It Down a Notch!

There are so many great pop culture stories out there right now to report on—Caitlyn Jenner on the cover of Vanity Fair; Kim Kardashian pregnant with her second child; Kylie Jenner blowing the lid off the chemtrails conspiracy; Kris Kardashian getting a haircut; Brody Jenner doing a thing—but I’m going to ignore all that and talk about the new Bush’s baked beans spokesperson for awhile, specifically about how endlessly awful he is.  

In a perfect world, there’d be a scene in the blockbuster film San Andreas in which Baked Beans Guy (BBG) is, naturally, shopping for Bush’s baked beans when the earthquake hits.  Losing his balance, BBG falls to the floor of whatever grocery store chain they’ve got out there in Los Angeles, and is crushed to near-death by a Bush’s baked beans display, can after can beating a death march drum beat on his skull and rib cage.  So, there he lies, crumpled and moaning under an avalanche of bean cans, still doing his best to smile through a mouth full of shattered teeth, reciting his love for the many varieties of Bush’s baked beans now available to the buying public, when a CGI sink hole swallows the grocery store whole, and BBG disappears forever into gaping maw of Mother Earth.  There is no Dwayne Johnson to save him from his doom, there is only darkness.  And beans.

Baked Beans Guy is the latest in a string of bad ideas hatched by Bush’s baked beans.  First there was Duke, that insufferable pooch whose passion in life seemed to be discovering a way to bring down the Bush’s brand by exposing the company’s secret bean recipe to the world. What were they doing to that dog to make him hate them so much?!?  Duke has never relented in his quest to ruin the Bush’s brand, though he seems oddly loyal to it as well, as even he will occasionally request that the director of the ridiculous commercials in which he is featured roll that “beautiful bean footage.”  I realize that Duke, the character, is a creation of cheap computer effects, and that the dog actor who portrays him has no feelings, good or ill, toward the Bush’s company.  Duke, like the Noid before him, is an adorable villain, a creep we all root for because a) he’s super cute and b) he is essentially plotting to take down a large corporation, and America hates large corporations, unless said corporations produce tantrum-quelling animated films or offer discount prices on all the stupid products we’ve been told we need in order to be happy, productive members of human society.  Duke is the ultimate anti-hero, like Walter White or the Hamburgler.  I guess the Duke-related issue that still chaffs my bean shoot is when Bush’s wouldn’t let Julie Klausner pet—PET!!!—Duke’s soft, red fur.  C’mon, Bush’s! God made that fur for pettin’!

Just before BBG set the advertising world ablaze—like a tire fire or a flaming paper bag of Duke poo—there were the scientists who informed a table full of children that baked beans were vegetables, and since said children had just before this revelation informed said scientists that they greatly enjoyed said beans, these children, who had earlier professed a dislike of all vegetables, in fact, did enjoy vegetables.  Here’s the problem: beans aren’t vegetables, at least, according to my wife, who, every time this commercial shows up during Guy’s Grocery Games on Sunday night—this is when I see all of these Bush’s commercials, because Guy Fieri is apparently in bed with "Big Bean"—growls “beans aren’t vegetables” through gritted teeth.  I'm inclined to believe her as she a) knows a lot about food and b) is way smarter than me.  In an effort at journalistic professionalism, I typed "are beans vegetables" into Google, and discovered that beans are technically legumes, which might make them a fruit or a flower or an orphan protein that was adopted by a vegetable family or something else entirely.  If you care enough, you can read more about beans here or check out this non-helpful Yahoo answers explanation.  Whatever beans are, these two fake scientists don't have to be so smug and condescending about it.  Children are our future, and they deserve better than half-truths and conjecture.

And now we finally came to BBG, seen here losing his shit over the wide variety of baked beans offered by Bush's:

Just pick a can of beans, guy!  Is it really that difficult?  If you find that you can't leave the store without a cart filled to the brim with every conceivable flavor Bush's has to offer, maybe you should simply pause, take a breath and call your wife.  Maybe she had a specific flavor in mind.  Maybe she didn't.  If the latter is the case, then just choose a flavor, two tops.  This guy is infuriating.  And such a ham biscuit (my wife's term for our daughter when she "hams" it up in pictures).  I mean, this guy doesn't have a genuine bone in his body.  He's a goof-bot, built by a misguided ad agency and powered by baked beans.

Bush's, either bring back Duke (i.e. the lesser of three evils) or hang it up.  I mean, you're pretty much the only bean game in town as far as I know.  Do you really need more commercials?  Maybe you do, granted, I don't know much about the mass-produced canned baked beans industry.  Maybe you like this character, I mean, somebody signed off on him (probably the bald dude), so maybe you retool him a little.  Nobody is this excited/perplexed by beans.  It doesn't ring true.  He doesn't make me want to eat baked beans.  He makes me want to commit murder.  Figure it out!


Anonymous said...

Thanks or this. BBG is seriously the most annoying person on tv right now, and could be in the running for most annoying person in the entire history of television. I found your blog because I Googled baked bean guy and you popped up first.

This was very funny and I'm stealing "ham biscuit " cuz it sounds like something I would sat! :-)

Matt said...

Glad to see I'm not alone. If we stand united and strong against this BBG, I'm sure we can get him removed from the airwaves forever!

Anonymous said...

Yes, I am with you guys on this. The guy is annoying, and his enthusiasm is even more annoying. I wondered if the same ad people did this that does the equally annoying guys in the car, with similar annoying qualities.

I kinda liked Duke, let's just go back to him.

Like you, I am glad I am not alone.

Anonymous said...

I did a search for those exceptionally stupid commercial, and so glad others agree. This guy, and this marketing agency should be embarrassed.

Anonymous said...

Well, I guess I'm in the minority but I love him. Whenever the commercial comes on I pay attention and say his little lines along with him. "There's no rules here. No rules on aisle 4!" Hahaha. Maybe I'm just silly but it works for me.

Anonymous said...

Definitely not the minority, cuz I think he's funny enough. I mean, really, you wanna actually murder someone because he's in a commercial selling baked beans? That is way more weirder than the commercial itself. But ha, murder is now funny?