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Tuesday, January 5, 2016

Food Newz: The First New Feature of 2016!!!

Welcome to Giant Electric Penguin's newest feature Food Newz, your source for all the latest news and views on or relating to food.

A WIN FOR THE SOFT-TOOTHED!

Have you seen the latest Nature Valley commercial?
"We get it," the perky narrator intones following scene after scene of fed up young people whacking Nature Valley-brand granola bars with sticks, golf clubs, bowling balls and even their own foreheads, in a vain attempt to soften said bar enough to choke down their gullets.  "The crunchy bar was too hard."  The new Nature Valley Crunchy Bar though, while still crunchy, is now "easier to bite into."  Thanks, Nature Valley...only...hang on a second...

Unless your teeth were made of spun sugar or construction paper, I'm not sure there were a lot of people having trouble taking a bite out of the Nature Valley granola bars of old (i.e. 2015).  Maybe I'm wrong.  Maybe scores of Americans were contacting the Nature Valley call center, griping through mouthfuls of broken teeth, their jaws bruised and throbbing, their gums bleeding profusely from gaping puncture wounds caused by razor-sharp granola shards, begging through hot, salty tears for a softer product.  "There's got to be a better way," the Nature Valley PR team cried, and, so, easier to chew granola bars.

In my opinion, Nature Valley granola bars are the best bars in the game, and any change to them is totally unwelcome.  If you've reached a point in your life where your teeth are too soft and pliable to chew up a granola bar, maybe it's time to graduate to a softer snack-time alternative, like apple sauce or a washrag soaked in lemonade.  I'll hold off making my final judgment until I try one of these new-recipe crunchy bars for myself, but for now, I'm giving Nature Valley a thumbs down accompanied by a hilarious fart noise.

STILL NOT HIGH ENOUGH TO EAT PASTA OUT OF A BREAD BOWL!

I don't know if you heard this shocking news story yet, but apparently there is a video online that shows Pizza Hut employees smoking weed at work!!!  The horror!!!

Maybe it's just me, but I assumed this was going on all the time already anyway.  In fact, if you are right this very minute finding yourself shocked by this totally non-shocking story, you probably don't get out very much.  Or maybe you don't patronize eating establishments like Pizza Hut because you find the crust too hard for your eggshell teeth.

I'm fairly certain every time I visit my local Taco Bell--be it 4:21 in the afternoon or 10:30 AM--at least 95% of the staff is high out of their gourds.  And I wouldn't want it any other way.  Who better understands shitty fast food than the pot enthusiast?  If you said, "probably only fat guys," you're right.  Wasted fast food employees and fast food feasting fat guys (i.e. me and my heavy-breathing brethren) are a match made in greasy Heaven.  You probably shouldn't post videos online of yourself taking hits from a bong at work, especially if you plan to pursue different varieties of employment later in life, but go ahead and get high if you find yourself in your mid-20's sweating your balls off next to a Pizza Hut pizza oven.  I mean, why not, right?

AND IN POPCORN NEWS...


...this is gross.  Or is it delicious?  I can't decide.  The first bite is reminiscent of shoving crispy, horseradish-dusted vomit into your mouth...I mean, probably...I've never actually done that...heh, heh.  Then, as you continue to shovel it into your mouth as if it's the cure for baldness, something clicks and you actually start enjoying the flavor.  You can't find the steak really, but the hint of horseradish is nice.  But then you start to question yourself: Do I really like this or am I just in berserker snack mode?  Is this small, 30-cent bag my wife purchased for me on a whim enough or do I need a bigger bag, an economy-sized bag from, say, BJ's or some such place?  Is this the worst flavored popcorn I've ever had or is this the only popcorn I ever want to eat from now on?  I just don't know.  Stay tuned for further updates.



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