First post of 2016. Let's make this good. This is the post that's gonna win everybody back/pull in a whole bunch of new readers. Hmmmmmmmm. What to write, what to write. Oh, hashtags! People love hashtags! Gotta do some good ones though, ones that'll bring people to the site in droves. Here we go: #StarWars #TrumpSux #CancelTheDuggarsAgain #MysteryDinersIsStillFake #AngerBirdsMovie #tbt #mcm #DudeFood. That should work.
Let's talk resolutions real quick. I'm not making any "official" resolutions this year. Why? Well, when I acknowledge something, say a story idea I think I might enjoy writing down for people who do not possess the ability to read my mind to read or new year resolutions, by physically writing them down or sharing them with friends, family and co-workers, I tend not to follow through on them. So, I'm keeping the handful of resolutions I've made, to use a common cliche I don't understand, close to the vest this year. I will share one though, because I've already achieved it. IN 2016, I RESOLVE TO RETURN MY LIBRARY BOOKS TO THE LIBRARY ON TIME, EVERY TIME. At the conclusion of 2015, I (i.e. my wife) paid off all of my late fees, or, rather, the ten dollars required to wipe the actual total debt amount (in my case a whopping fifty dollars...yep, I suck) out of existence forever. I have no desire to build up that kind of debt at the library ever again, so in 2016, my books are going back on time. You hear that, librarians? I'm not the problem anymore.
One happy librarian!
I should start wrapping this up, but, geez, is it boring. How am I going to bring in new readers with this? Maybe I could reveal a deep, dark family secret or describe a sex dream I had about a certain television actress we all know and love that I had last night. Oh, I could recount my last visit to the dentist! That always gets tons of hits! You know what? I'm going to solve a mystery. That's what I'm going to do all right: find a mystery and solve it, right here, right now.
OK. A mystery. Hmm. A mystery. Let's see... Loch Ness? No, that's been done. A mystery, a mystery...building a mystery. Oh, Jack the Ripper maybe. Nah. I need to eat breakfast. Breakfast mysteries...are there any breakfast mysteries...? Oh, I've got it!
My placemat has this on it:
If you find yourself unable to read the above headline, it says: Katrina Lee sues over 'sucked mango.' Now I think we can all agree that this is a strange thing to print on a placement. The full placemat features the names of several large cities around the world, cities that one could comfortably describe as tourist destinations as well as centers of industry and influence. Peppered amongst these names and old-timey photos of iconic buildings, are headlines from around the world, including this one about a woman suing, presumably, another person, over a 'sucked mango.' I've always wondered, while eating my breakfast/lunch/pre-dinner snack/dinner/after dinner snack/4th meal/post-4th meal snack-a-palooza, "What the hell does this mean?" Did Ms. Lee buy a mango from her local grocery mart, take it home, prepare to eat it for her breakfast/lunch/pre-dinner snack/dinner/after dinner snack/4th meal/etc., and find that it had been sucked dry. And how did she know it had been sucked on? Were there teeth marks? Was this a Bunnicula situation only with a vampiric pet who prefers fruits to veggies? A vampiric baby chimp perhaps?
Turns out, it has nothing to do with vampire animals at all! I know, disappointing. It's actually a story out of Sydney, Australia, about a TV newswoman, named Katrina Lee, who sued a radio station for comparing her appearance to a "half-sucked mango" during a gossip segment. Radio announcer, Peter Rudder, also claimed in the offending segment that he had seen "a little cockroach crawl up her face from her nostril into her hair," thus completing the picture of what a completely disgusting piece of garbage Ms. Lee is.
So, there you have it. Mystery solved! I guess there is still the mystery of why the hell someone would choose this particular headline for a line of placemats, but I've written enough for now, and, like I said, I haven't had breakfast yet. 2016 is going to be great here at Giant Electric Penguin...don't let this first post fool you. Last year I posted a total of 21 times. That is unacceptable, and quite frankly, insulting to the handful of people who continue to support this endeavor, whatever the hell it is. 2016 will have double the amount of posts! Guaranteed!
OK. I'm done. Happy New Year.