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Monday, March 21, 2016

Food Newz Presentz Food Reviewz presents The Foodz Canon

Another election year is upon us; that magical period in America where we the people choose a brand-new leader to soldier us onward into oblivion.  Personally, I'm still on the fence.  Am I a Ted Cruz man?  Sure, he's the candidate a majority of Americans say they would want to party with because he looks so fun and cool, but then there's John Kasich with his apparent saneness and his boast that he's been to exactly one gay wedding.  However, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't at least a little bit excited about that wall Emperor Trump says he's gonna build and force Mexico to pay for.  From what I've heard, it could "trump" the Great Wall of China, and that's a pretty substantial wall.  My own thoughts and ideas are probably most in line with those of Bernie Sanders, but Hillary Clinton is certainly still in the running, even if she starts her first few months in office from the inside of a jail cell.

Look, I'm not going to pick a president right now, OK?!  What I am going to do is pick a cereal, in fact, I'm going to reveal to you, gentle reader, my choice for THE BEST CEREAL OF ALL-TIME.  The answer may shock you.  It may anger you.  But, dammit, you will respect my choice and eventually you will come to accept it as fact.  Ladies, but most likely, gentlemen, I give you my favorite breakfast cereal of any and all times...
That's right, my choice for best cereal is General Mills' Superman cereal, based on the upcoming film Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice.  My favorite cereal is a promotional tie-in.

I know what you're saying, and I shall address your concerns point by point.  

First, why would a 37-year-old man with a documented weight problem pick a sugary cereal for children as his favorite cereal of all-time?  Good question.  My answer: Superman cereal's deliciousness makes it nearly impossible to consider any other cereal for this highly coveted honor.  It's sweet, though not sickeningly so, with enough of a caramel twist to give the appearance of decadence while remaining down-to-Earth.  After all, though he himself is an invincible alien being who could easily snuff out all of humanity in no time if he needed too, Superman is essentially a man of the people, and I think the cereal that bears both his name and the shape in which his emblem is enshrined on his muscular chest, represents this dichotomy effortlessly.  

I understand I should choose something like Cheerios or Special K or Grape Nuts or Kashi or Gluten-Free Oat Clusters With Iron, and by refusing to do so, I am setting a bad example for America's youth, specifically my 4-year-old daughter, but, as the millennials say, sorry not sorry.  Perhaps it would ease your mind if I informed you that I am the only person who eats Superman cereal in my household.  My wife refuses to touch it (though she has no problem keeping me supplied with boxes--thanks, honey), and the one time Quinn tried a bite she responded, "Gross!"  She's wrong, by the way, but see, I'm not setting an innocent child on the road to diabetes.  I'm taking a bullet for her.  A sweet, crunching, carmally bullet.

Allow me to speak to your next concern.  I picked a sugar-packed children's cereal as my favorite cereal of all-time, by which I mean in all of the history of the planet, but I picked one that a) literally just appear on shelves last year and b) is a promotional tie-in to a movie a weird cross section of the internet is not excited about.  Look, I'm not here to get you pumped up for Dawn of Justice, OK?  Maybe you're not excited about it, like 90% of the people I'm friends with on Facebook.  I can't help that all of those people are wrong idiots.  I'm super stoked.  Go ahead and hold you're weird grudge against Ben Affleck, nerds.  This March 28th, while you're whining on the internet, I'll be grabbing a box of my favorite cereal and taking it down to my favorite cineplex and watching Batman and Superman punch the crap out of each other.  And it's gonna be great!

To answer your first point, sure, there may be some Saturday morning classics more worthy of holding such a lofty title--Captain Crunch, Fruity Pebbles, Cinnamon Toast Crunch, Apple Jacks, Kix, Frosted Mini Wheats, Nintendo Cereal, etc.--but I refused to let my choice be dictated by pure nostalgia--there's too much of that around right now anyway.  I had to be true to myself.  Superman boasts an interesting flavor, bold, yet simple packaging, and, most importantly, it doesn't fuck up the milk!  Your milk starts white, and it ends white, and as far as I'm concerned, that's half the battle.

So, let's make it official: General Mills' Superman cereal you are the first inductee into the GIANT ELECTRIC PENGUIN FOOD NEWZ FOODZ CANON!  


1 comment:

Nick said...

I respect your life choices. You're wrong, but a respected kind of wrong that I can really applaud. I refuse to allow your incorrectness to take away from your bravery and expert ability to make a clear argument in favor of a poor choice. You, sir, know how to check all the right boxes for a very wrong thing. I celebrate your commitment.