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Thursday, June 2, 2016

Sky Sharks and the end of an era


I can remember a time--let's call it late 2015--when something like Sky Sharks, the trailer for which is featured above, would've filled me with the kind of joy reserved for a child at Christmastime.  The neighborhood covered in blinking lights and inflatable, farting Santas; the thick-as-an-encyclopedia toy catalogue from JCPenney; every available surface of the kitchen covered in cookies in various holiday-appropriate shapes; vaguely creepy stop-motion Christmas specials on TV: December is filled with non-stop delights for every kid (provided they're not Jewish or Jehovah's Witness), and the accompanying feelings are what I imagine older people are trying to recapture when they turn to hard drugs in adulthood.  Believe it or not, that's how stupid movies used to make me feel.

I can't remember how I stumbled upon the trailer for Sky Sharks this week, but I know I watched it because I read the description as "Street Sharks," and immediately thought to myself, "They made a movie out of Street Sharks now?!?"  

They haven't.  Yet. 

I realized my error pretty early into Sky Sharks' trailer, which, if you didn't watch before reading this, is riddled with Nazis.  I'm not terribly familiar with Street Sharks--I imagine they were, much like the Samurai Pizza Cats, an attempt to grab some of that sweet cash the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles were bringing in--but I'm pretty sure they didn't live in World War II times.  And if you were wondering, yes, I do know how to read.  I guess I just saw what I wanted to see.  The important takeaway here is that I watched the Sky Sharks trailer.  And my reaction to it perplexed me.

I didn't laugh.  I didn't shake my head, wryly smile to myself and mutter, "What'll they think of next?"  I didn't immediately post the trailer on social media for everyone to revel in.  I didn't Google, Bing or Ask Jeeves for more details on the film's production.  I just let the YouTube player move on to the next trailer, which was for Jeepers Creepers 3, by the way.  Ugh.  

Am I growing up?  Have I lost my childlike wonder?  A movie about flying, machine gun-firing sharks controlled by Nazi zombies used to be enough for me.  Bad special effects, poor acting, a dumb tagline: this has always been my bread and butter.  But the Sky Sharks trailer left me cold, numb, bored even.  So, what happened to me?!?

Quick answer: nothing.  I still like fun, crazy movies, but maybe I like my wackiness with a side of skillful filmmaking, a dash of class, and at least 75% less crap.  And like the Sharknado series before it, Sky Sharks appears to be focused directly to the pre-made "so-bad-it's-good" market, and I've never been fully on board with that, first Sharknado excluded.  And also, I think it's because I'm 37-years-old now. That isn't old, but upon entering your late 30's, one is reminding that time only marches forward, and it's all a barrel roll to the grave from here.  I can't justify wasting my time with tripe like Sky Sharks anymore when I still haven't seen Godfather 2 or The Deer Hunter.

So, today, I pass the job on to you, younger generation.  It is now your duty to watch these terrible movies, find the ones that should be praised for sucking so hard they are unmissable, and toss the pretenders to the shit throne in the crap pile.  I can't do it anymore.  I'm too tired, too bitter.  My bones ache.  Plus, I'm a dad, and all the time I had for bad movies is now time I need to watch kid's movies with my daughter, and that's more fun.  Have your parties, drink your beers and smoke your weeds, and watch Sky Sharks and laugh your drunk/high heads off.  And then write about it on a blog, so I can read it on the toilet.  Because I'm old, and I've put my sky sharks away.  R.I.P., me.


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