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Monday, March 21, 2016

Food Newz Presentz Food Reviewz presents The Foodz Canon

Another election year is upon us; that magical period in America where we the people choose a brand-new leader to soldier us onward into oblivion.  Personally, I'm still on the fence.  Am I a Ted Cruz man?  Sure, he's the candidate a majority of Americans say they would want to party with because he looks so fun and cool, but then there's John Kasich with his apparent saneness and his boast that he's been to exactly one gay wedding.  However, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't at least a little bit excited about that wall Emperor Trump says he's gonna build and force Mexico to pay for.  From what I've heard, it could "trump" the Great Wall of China, and that's a pretty substantial wall.  My own thoughts and ideas are probably most in line with those of Bernie Sanders, but Hillary Clinton is certainly still in the running, even if she starts her first few months in office from the inside of a jail cell.

Look, I'm not going to pick a president right now, OK?!  What I am going to do is pick a cereal, in fact, I'm going to reveal to you, gentle reader, my choice for THE BEST CEREAL OF ALL-TIME.  The answer may shock you.  It may anger you.  But, dammit, you will respect my choice and eventually you will come to accept it as fact.  Ladies, but most likely, gentlemen, I give you my favorite breakfast cereal of any and all times...
That's right, my choice for best cereal is General Mills' Superman cereal, based on the upcoming film Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice.  My favorite cereal is a promotional tie-in.

I know what you're saying, and I shall address your concerns point by point.  

First, why would a 37-year-old man with a documented weight problem pick a sugary cereal for children as his favorite cereal of all-time?  Good question.  My answer: Superman cereal's deliciousness makes it nearly impossible to consider any other cereal for this highly coveted honor.  It's sweet, though not sickeningly so, with enough of a caramel twist to give the appearance of decadence while remaining down-to-Earth.  After all, though he himself is an invincible alien being who could easily snuff out all of humanity in no time if he needed too, Superman is essentially a man of the people, and I think the cereal that bears both his name and the shape in which his emblem is enshrined on his muscular chest, represents this dichotomy effortlessly.  

I understand I should choose something like Cheerios or Special K or Grape Nuts or Kashi or Gluten-Free Oat Clusters With Iron, and by refusing to do so, I am setting a bad example for America's youth, specifically my 4-year-old daughter, but, as the millennials say, sorry not sorry.  Perhaps it would ease your mind if I informed you that I am the only person who eats Superman cereal in my household.  My wife refuses to touch it (though she has no problem keeping me supplied with boxes--thanks, honey), and the one time Quinn tried a bite she responded, "Gross!"  She's wrong, by the way, but see, I'm not setting an innocent child on the road to diabetes.  I'm taking a bullet for her.  A sweet, crunching, carmally bullet.

Allow me to speak to your next concern.  I picked a sugar-packed children's cereal as my favorite cereal of all-time, by which I mean in all of the history of the planet, but I picked one that a) literally just appear on shelves last year and b) is a promotional tie-in to a movie a weird cross section of the internet is not excited about.  Look, I'm not here to get you pumped up for Dawn of Justice, OK?  Maybe you're not excited about it, like 90% of the people I'm friends with on Facebook.  I can't help that all of those people are wrong idiots.  I'm super stoked.  Go ahead and hold you're weird grudge against Ben Affleck, nerds.  This March 28th, while you're whining on the internet, I'll be grabbing a box of my favorite cereal and taking it down to my favorite cineplex and watching Batman and Superman punch the crap out of each other.  And it's gonna be great!

To answer your first point, sure, there may be some Saturday morning classics more worthy of holding such a lofty title--Captain Crunch, Fruity Pebbles, Cinnamon Toast Crunch, Apple Jacks, Kix, Frosted Mini Wheats, Nintendo Cereal, etc.--but I refused to let my choice be dictated by pure nostalgia--there's too much of that around right now anyway.  I had to be true to myself.  Superman boasts an interesting flavor, bold, yet simple packaging, and, most importantly, it doesn't fuck up the milk!  Your milk starts white, and it ends white, and as far as I'm concerned, that's half the battle.

So, let's make it official: General Mills' Superman cereal you are the first inductee into the GIANT ELECTRIC PENGUIN FOOD NEWZ FOODZ CANON!  


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Saturday, March 5, 2016

#DLMChallenge: End of February/Beginning of March Update

Sorry, dudes, but I just now finally got over my Leap Day party hangover.  Wow, did we ever get wild!  I'm still finding empty wine cooler bottles in the backyard! The guest room toilet is never going to be the same, that's for sure!  And for those who've been asking, Jerry has been moved out of intensive care, and on Wednesday was able to swallow applesauce for the first time since "the accident" (as always, my prayers go out to Jerry and the family of possums that perished as a result of "the accident").  Anyway, everything is finally back to normal, so I thought I'd take a moment to update everyone on my DLM Challenge progress.  I'm still 20-something movies behind schedule, but I can make that up before the end of the year.  I'll get 366 movies in before you can say "Auld Lang Syne."  Trust me.

27. Fuck Buddies (short film): I learned about Fuck Buddies from the AVClub, and I kinda had to watch it; I mean, when you describe something as "icky, sad, and surprisingly terrifying," it's kind of like catnip for a fan of weirdo movies such as myself.  Fuck Buddies is all of those things: "icky" because it features A LOT of "sex-related" fluids flying/oozing around; "sad" because it's never not depressing to watch a relationship fall apart in front of you; and "terrifying" because 1) the male lead's penis turns into a horrifying, uncontrollable rape tentacle at one point and 2) an eyeless ghost boy "watches" everything go down.

I never had a fuck buddy myself, but if this is what it's like, I'm glad I went the committed-relationship-then-sex route.

28. Masters of the Universe: A He-Man movie without all that He-Man stuff.  You know what would be cool?  A Peter Jackson's Lord of the Rings-style He-Man movie with all the cool stuff that made the He-Man toy line so legendary.  Unfortunately, Masters of the Universe was made in 1987, so we got this, a cheap, sci-fi garbage heap with a handful of recognizable characters and a teenaged Courtney Cox, but nothing that remotely resembles the cartoon or the adventures me and my best friend, Graham, created in his basement.  And yet, I didn't hate Masters of the Universe.  It probably helped that I barely paid attention to it, but it's not as bad as you've heard or you remember, it's just not a He-Man movie.  So, not terrible, but thumbs down because no Orko (Sorry, but Gwildor is in NO WAY an appropriate substitution).

29. Eddie Murphy Raw: Eddie Murphy's follow-up to his HBO special, Delirious.  I don't know.  It's dated for sure (a bit about Bill Cosby is funny-ish, because Murphy's impression is so good, but, you know, Bill Cosby...) and I can't relate to a lot of the material (i.e. an extended riff on the "fact" that all men cheat), but Eddie Murphy is a great stand-up?  Maybe?  Maybe I need to watch Delirious.  He certainly mentions it enough during Raw.

30. The Naked Kiss: Kelly, a former prostitute, moves to the tightly-knit suburban community of Grantville to make a better life for herself.  Even though she (somehow) becomes a nurse in the children's ward at the local hospital, the police chief, Griff, ain't buying Kelly's change of heart.  Griff becomes even more unhappy when Kelly begins a romantic relationship with his best friend and the most beloved man in town, J.J. Grant.  Kelly and Grant get engaged, Griff accepts that Kelly isn't a dirty whore anymore, and then something I didn't think was allowed to happen in movies made in the 60's happens.  Without getting too spoilery, someone is murdered, and the last 20 minutes of the movie is spent trying to sort all of that out.  The way it is sorted out makes absolutely no sense to me, so, please, someone I know, see this movie immediately, so we can talk about it.  And while you're at it, watch the first season of Fargo, because the same sort of thing happens at the end of that.  I tried to discuss The Naked Kiss with my friend Jonathan over burritos last weekend, but he expressed a desire to watch it, so I held off.  I need to talk about it though.  PLEASE!  SOMEBODY!  HELP!

Anyway, it's good.

31. The Witch: Right after that aforementioned Mexican dinner, Jonathan and I took in an opening night showing of The Witch.  I got to sit next to a 10-year-old girl.  Fun.

The Witch is about a Puritan family who is banished from their village in 17th century New England, and after moving in next door to an eerie forest, have their lives systematically dismantled by the forces of evil, personified by some forest-dwelling old hags and a shaggy goat named Black Phillip.  It's a creepily beautiful film that will probably appear on my year-end best of list.  It was also super disappointing.

The reviews of this thing promised a deeply disturbing experience, a film straight out of Satan's personal Blu-Ray library, so that's what I went in expecting, that's what I went in wanting.  It's been a long time since I've been, for lack of a better phrase, "fucked up" by a horror movie, and I thought The Witch would be the one to do it.  It wasn't.  I loved it though.  It is masterfully crafted and expertly acted, but it doesn't deliver enough of the dread and nightmares its herald promised.  That isn't the movie's fault though.

32. Hellraiser:Hellworld: For years I've maintained that Pet Sematary is the dumbest horror movie ever made.  Well, move over, Pet Sematary, there's a new dum-dum in town.  Hellraiser: Hellworld, the 8th film in the Hellraiser series, a franchise that descended into a sub-basement of brainlessness pretty early on, is not only full-on, unapologetically stupid, but it makes no sense whatsoever and kinda doesn't even really involve Pinhead or his Cenobite chums much at all.  It's about an angry dad, played by Lance Henriksen, who gets revenge on his dead son's friends for duh duh duh fart noise clown horn.  The only thought that kept running through my head during Hellworld's 95-minute runtime was, "Is that Henry Cavill?  That actor looks a whole lot like Henry Cavill, but, nah, it can't be.  But is it?  Maybe?  Is that Superman hanging from a rusty hook bleeding to death?  Nah.  But?"  Fun Fact: It was Henry Cavill.

33. Soaked In Bleach:  The other Kurt Cobain documentary from 2015.  This one is about how Kurt Cobain wasn't depressed and didn't kill himself with a shotgun.  It suggests that Courtney Love may have had a hand in her husband's untimely death, a theory that's been around forever and one that I first became aware of in Nick Broomfield's 1998 film Kurt & Courtney.  Like every good documentary about a conspiracy theory, I was convinced immediately.  Courtney Love belongs in jail.

34. Tangerine:  For awhile, I thought the only thing I would appreciate about this movie was the fact that it was shot on iPhones (Kinda like how the only interesting thing about Escape From Tomorrow was that it was filmed in secret at both the Disney World and Disneyland resorts.), but then Tangerine started to grow on me. What started as a "people walking around and yelling" movie turned into a funny/sad slice-o-life story about a community not often depicted on the silver screen. Tangerine features two amazing central performances and some great music. I guarantee a bunch of garbage iPhone-filmed movies will follow in its wake, so just check out the original.


35. Dope: I completely agreed with everyone's complaints about this year's Academy Awards. It was shameful. I heard a lot of people mention Creed (a movie I'd really like to see) and Straight Outta Compton (which I want to see, but I can wait), but I didn't hear anybody mention Dope. This movie is something special, a coming-of-age movie with a sense of vibrancy and fun, while also being a little bit dangerous. It reminded me of the movie Go, a film from 1999 that I absolutely loved. Dope feels like a Go for this generation. It's got a frenetic energy and a twisted sense of humor that cannot be denied. Plus, it's got the best soundtrack of the year probably. 


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